Harm's Way Transcript
Angel the Series
5x09 Episode #97 "Harm's Way"
Written by Sarah Fain and Elizabeth Craft
Directed by Vern Gillum
Originally aired January 14, 2004
PROLOGUE:
1 MONTAGE/VARIOUS
A male announcer's voice narrates a 1.5-minute montage of what appears to be a Wolfram & Hart public relations video targeted at their new employees.
PROMO AUDIO:
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Welcome to the Los Angeles branch of Wolfram & Hart.
PROMO VIDEO:
Shot of the Wolfram & Hart sign in the lobby.
Shot of the Wolfram & Hart building from the outside during the day.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
We're the oldest and most powerful law firm in the city.
PROMO VIDEO:
Shot of the lobby.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Founded in 1791 on ground deconsecrated by the blood of mass murderer Mathias Pavayne,
PROMO VIDEO:
Pan across an antique map of the California area, zooming in on Los Angeles for a close-up.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Wolfram & Hart has put roots down in this glamorous city that grow deep,
PROMO VIDEO:
View of the Los Angeles skyline at sunset.
Shot of the "HOLLYWOOD" sign.
Shot of the Santa Monica beach sign that reads: "Yacht Harbor", "Sport Fishing & Boating", and "Cafes".
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
and branches that reach right into the heart of every major corporation,
PROMO VIDEO:
Shot of the Beverly Hills sign.
Time-lapsed shot of the Los Angeles highways and skyline at sunset.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
including Yoyodyne,
PROMO VIDEO:
Shot of a skyscraper.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Weyland Yutani,
PROMO VIDEO:
Shot of a skyscraper.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
and Newscorp.
PROMO VIDEO:
Shot of a skyscraper.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
That captain of industry? We own his soul.
PROMO VIDEO:
Shot of a white, male, middle-aged executive practicing putting on a small mat in his office.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
That fabulous movie queen? She owes us her firstborn.
PROMO VIDEO:
Footage of a white, female starlet stepping out of a limousine in a satin evening gown.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
But times change, and Wolfram & Hart is changing right along with them.
PROMO VIDEO:
Vintage footage of 1940's era cars driving down the streets of Los Angeles.
Vintage footage of 1950's era cars driving down the streets of Los Angeles.
Vintage footage of a 1960's era airplane flying over Los Angeles.
Vintage footage of 1970's era cars driving down the highways of Los Angeles.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Under our new C.E.O.,
PROMO VIDEO:
View of the Los Angeles skyline at mid-day.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Angel, we're focusing less on power
PROMO VIDEO:
Shot of Angel sitting at his desk.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
and more on using that power for good.
PROMO VIDEO:
Shot of Angel signing a contract in blood at the behest of Gunn.
Shot of Angel walking in on Fred writing scientific formulas on her window.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
We have a zero-tolerance policy for killing, and that includes you, vampires.
PROMO VIDEO:
Footage of a vampire stalking a young blonde woman, freeze-framed on the vampire before he attacks, putting a red circle with a slash through it over his face.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
That better be pig's blood, mister.
PROMO VIDEO:
Shot of a Wolfram & Hart employee sipping from a coffee mug.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Yes, our esteemed president has made it clear that this is a new company for the new millennium, and he wants to work with you.
PROMO VIDEO:
Shot of Angel speaking in a conference room to a group of employees who are all huddled together in the back of the room, as far away from Angel as possible.
ANGEL
If you don't kill, we won't kill you.
PROMO VIDEO:
Shot of Angel sitting at his desk.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
That's right, no more employee sacrifices.
PROMO VIDEO:
Shot of a circle of fire burning in a field with a woman standing inside it.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
At Wolfram & Hart, you're part of a family now.
PROMO VIDEO:
Shot of Wolfram & Hart employees walking cheerily down the hallways.
Shot of Wesley speaking to an employee in his office.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
You can work your way up the ladder, and there will always be a hand to help you up it.
PROMO VIDEO:
Cheezily staged photo-op of Angel shaking a male employee's hand while looking into the camera. Angel pats the man on the shoulder.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Every life
PROMO VIDEO:
Shot of a smiling female Wolfram & Hart employee looking at her computer monitor.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
and unlife
PROMO VIDEO:
Shot of Archduke Sebassis (the horned demon from Episode 5x05 "Life of the Party").
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
is as important to our new management as their own.
PROMO VIDEO:
Shot of Lorne talking on the cell phone, with his assistant Van walking beside him.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
So go ahead, relax, and enjoy
PROMO VIDEO:
Shot of employees dancing at the company Halloween party.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
your new Wolfram & Hart family.
PROMO VIDEO:
Shot of a couple of smiling Wolfram & Hart employees walking down the hallway.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Because at our firm, everyone matters.
PROMO VIDEO:
Shot of a smiling female Wolfram & Hart employee walking through the lobby.
Shot of a smiling male Wolfram & Hart employee walking down the stairs.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
You matter.
PROMO VIDEO:
Shot of a female Wolfram & Hart employee talking on her cell phone.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Buddy, you're going places.
PROMO VIDEO:
Shot of a smiling male Wolfram & Hart employee walking off the elevator.
Shot of the Wolfram & Hart sign in the lobby.
Cut to:
2 INT. HARMONY'S BEDROOM - MORNING
Pan across the contents of a dark bedroom, stopping on a cute pink alarm/clock/radio that reads 6:59. When the time changes to 7:00, the alarm beeps and the radio starts playing. A hand reaches over and fumbles with the buttons until the beeping stops. Pan over to show Harmony waking up.
Cut to:
3 INT. HARMONY'S BATHROOM - MORNING
Harmony steps out of the shower wrapped in a pink towel. When she walks up to the sink, she looks in an empty mirror on which flowers and the text "be your best" are painted. She brushes her teeth, spits in the sink, and when she looks up again, she's in vampire face brushing her fangs.
Cut to:
4 INT. HARMONY'S BEDROOM - MORNING
Harmony brushes her hair then spritzes her neck with perfume from a pink atomizer. She holds up a pink shirt and a turquoise shirt, trying to decide between them, then throws the blue one down on the bed.
Now fully clothed, she puts on one beige open-toed pump, then looks around to find the other one is underneath her dresser. She bends casually to pick up the dresser, getting her other pump and putting it on her foot after setting the dresser back down.
Cut to:
5 INT. BASEMENT OF HARMONY'S APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING
Harmony walks off the elevator into the basement garage where she walks past an old woman in a bathrobe walking a miniature dog. Harmony smiles and waves at the woman, who doesn't notice her.
HARMONY
Morning, Mrs. Jacobi.
The dog growls as it walks past Harmony.
Cut to:
6 INT. LOBBY OF WOLFRAM & HART - DAY
Harmony walks off the elevator into the lobby of Wolfram & Hart, carrying a pink travel mug and some clothes from the dry cleaners. She walks over to her desk, puts down her coffee mug and her purse, hangs the dry cleaning on a hook in her cubicle, and takes off her coat. She grabs a white mug from her desk and walks across the lobby with it.
Cut to:
7 INT. BREAK ROOM AT WOLFRAM & HART - DAY
Harmony walks into the employee break room carrying the white mug. The room is full of other employees talking amongst themselves.
TAMIKA
(to a colleague) I should go.
Just as Harmony walks by, Tamika, a young well-dressed black woman, stands up with her coffee. Harmony accidentally bumps into her, causing Tamika to spill her coffee all over her nice clothes.
TAMIKA
Oh! Hey!
HARMONY
Sorry.
(notices two other girls talking at a nearby table)
OFFICE GIRL #1
So then, 2 A.M., my boss calls me, wants me to search her car for - get this - a stray Vicodin.
OFFICE GIRL #2
(in disbelief)
Shut up.
HARMONY
Hello, fellow grunts.
OFFICE GIRL #1
(turns slowly, glares at Harmony)
Hey.
(looks back at her friend, ignoring Harmony)
I mean, making me drop off her stool sample was one thing, but this? I'm so asking for a raise.
HARMONY
(walks to the other side of the girl, and bends down a bit, trying to insert herself into the conversation)
Yeah! You know, I was thinking I've been due for a raise, too, 'cause...
OFFICE GIRL #2
(cuts off Harmony, completely ignoring her)
Oh, did I tell you? That cute new shaman's in my department now.
HARMONY
Right.
(nods)
Nice chatting with you, too.
(turns and walks toward the refrigerator)
Bye-bye.
Harmony sets down the mug, opens the refrigerator door, and grabs a stainless steel thermos labeled "ANGEL'S. Do Not Touch." (There is another stainless steel thermos in the refrigerator covered with unicorn stickers.) Harmony opens Angel's thermos top and pours a thick red liquid from it into the white mug that reads "#1 BOSS." She opens the microwave, interrupting the cooking of something in a blue bowl. She takes the blue bowl out and puts the white mug in, pressing the buttons to heat up its contents. An irritated man walks up to her.
DAN
Hey!
HARMONY
(smiling nervously)
Morning.
DAN
You just can't...
(points to the microwave)
There are rules.
HARMONY
(sympathetic)
Oh, I know. It's so unfair. Just because my boss is your boss's boss, his needs coming first and all.
(the microwave beeps, Harmony removes the mug, smiles, and shrugs)
See ya.
(walks away)
Dan glares at Harmony as she walks out.
Cut to:
8 INT. LOBBY OF WOLFRAM & HART - DAY
Back at her desk, Harmony sets the white mug on the ledge in front of her, with the text "#1 BOSS" facing outward. Pan out to show Angel standing there, frowning, facing Harmony.
HARMONY
So, you've got the department heads at 11:00, your 1:00 with Mistress Shriva from human "I'm sorry" non-human resources got moved to 2:00. Swung by the cleaners. Zippo luck getting out the Frophla slime. Oh, and I took care of the catering for the big feuding demon clan confab, unless you have any requests.
ANGEL
Achite vong mochzinite.
(Clicks tongue)
HARMONY
Y'OK. Could you spell that?
Angel takes an earpiece from his ear, shaking his head. A language instructor's voice can be heard through the headphone:
LANGUAGE INSTRUCTOR'S VOICE
Greetings, your eminence. Let me take your staff.
Lopenghote vong.
(Clicks tongue)
Angel stops the tape and wraps up the headphone cords. Harmony hands Angel some message slips.
ANGEL
My clicks are all wrong. You figure out the catering for tomorrow?
HARMONY
Helloo! I just-
GUNN
(walks up to Angel)
Morning. Ready to do this thing?
(Gunn and Angel walk away toward Angel's office)
HARMONY
(stands, follows them)
So, about the, uh, catering? I really went above and beyond, 'cause I know this was very...
(they completely ignore her, and shut the door in her face)
(sighs)
You're welcome.
(turns, walks back to her desk)
A man in a lab coat pushes a small cart up to Harmony's desk.
RUDY
You're up today.
HARMONY
Oh, come on, Rudy. You know I've been off the human blood for months.
RUDY
Company policy. Give me the finger.
HARMONY
(just as Harmony extends her forefinger out to Rudy, the telephone rings)
Good morning. Wolfram &-
(Rudy pricks her finger with a needle attached to a readout device)
Ow!
(to phone) I'm sorry. Wrong extension. You need 529 for curses. Foiled again, huh?
(chuckles)
Hello?
(hangs up)
RUDY
(checks his readout display: "NEGATIVE")
You're clean. Have a good one.
(pushes his cart away)
A demon in a suit walks past Harmony's desk.
HARMONY
Eli, hi.
ELI
Hey... you! I just got called up for a meeting with your boss man.
HARMONY
(looks at her schedule)
Really? I didn't see any-
ELI
Don't want to count my hatchlings, but I think the honchos are finally starting to recognize my work in accounting.
(smiles)
HARMONY
Hey, good for you.
GUNN
(opens Angel's office door)
Eli, come on in.
ELI
(to Harmony) Wish me luck, kiddo.
Harmony smiles and gestures two thumbs up. Harmony sits back in her chair to catch a breath and notices Angel's white mug is still sitting on her desk. She grabs it and walks into his office.
Cut to:
9 INT. ANGEL'S OFFICE - DAY
Just as Harmony enters the office, she witnesses Angel decapitating Eli with an axe.
HARMONY
Angel, you forgot your-
(Gasp)
Eli's head rolls across the room, landing at Harmony's feet. She looks up at Angel, revolted.
ANGEL
Get that cleaned up, would you?
Fade to black.
Opening credits.
ACT I:
10 INT. LOBBY OF WOLFRAM & HART - DAY
Two men carry Eli's body out of Angel's office in a body bag. Harmony's sitting at her desk, and Angel and Gunn are leaning against it talking to her.
HARMONY
I just...don't get it. Why'd you kill Eli?
ANGEL
Didn't much like what he was doing in his off hours.
HARMONY
Well, that's not right. What Eli did on his own time-
GUNN
Is dismember virgins.
HARMONY
Oh. Well, a person's religious beliefs is no cause for-
GUNN
He did it for his own amusement.
HARMONY
Oh. Well... OK. Still, couldn't you have given him a stern warning or something first?
ANGEL
Called a zero-tolerance policy, not a "maybe this once" policy. Nobody in this office gets away with murder, not anymore.
Fred, Lorne, and Wesley walk through the lobby as Eli's body is being carried away.
LORNE
Mmm... let me guess. Position just opened up in accounting?
GUNN
Hardest part of the job, terminating an employee.
SPIKE
(walks up to the gang)
Once again, keeping corporate America safe from evil.
FRED
Spike.
GUNN
I was wondering when you'd turn up.
FRED
Where have you been? It's been days.
SPIKE
(smiles)
Out enjoying freedom from my ghostly confines, luv.
FRED
There haven't been any side effects since you recorporealized, have there?
SPIKE
Bit of a hangover, but that's to be expected after all the drinking.
(Fred giggles)
Just thought I'd swing by and say my final farewells.
WESLEY
You're leaving?
SPIKE
You catch on quick, don't you? Yeah, I thought I'd push off, seeing as how I got somebody waiting for me.
(stares at Angel, who rolls his eyes and looks away)
WESLEY
Angel, I'm not sure that's wise, given the Shanshu prophecy is still unresolved...
SPIKE
That's your problem, mate.
(to Angel) You're welcome to that heroic destiny, whether you deserve it or not. Me, I got better things to do than wait around for the 4 bloody horsemen.
(walks away)
WESLEY
Spike...
ANGEL
Let him go.
SPIKE
(turns back toward Angel)
Yeah. Here's the thing. Could use a little walkin'-around money. How 'bout a few hundred?
ANGEL
How 'bout no?
SPIKE
(nods)
Typical, you cheap sod. Right, then. Settle for some wheels.
ANGEL
If it's gonna get you out of here faster, fine. Just not the Viper.
SPIKE
Viper it is, then.
(Angel rolls his eyes, then turns to walk away)
(calling after Angel) Any message for Buffy?
ANGEL
(without looking back at Spike)
Tell her you're a moron.
LORNE
Well, bon voyage, Spikester. Don't be a stranger.
(walks away)
SPIKE
Fred... I want you to know... uh, I mean, all that work you put in trying to, you know, cure me of the ghosties...
FRED
(smiles shyly, looks down)
I didn't do anything.
SPIKE
Oh, you did. You-you believed in m... I mean, you tried. I won't forget that.
FRED
You're welcome.
(walks away)
Spike turns to go, without having even noticed Harmony, who's crying at her desk.
HARMONY
What?
(Spike turns to face her)
I don't get a good-bye just because I went crazy and tried to rip your throat out while we were having sex?
SPIKE
(smirks)
Keep it simple, Harm. It suits you.
(walks away)
Harmony whimpers.
Cut to:
11 INT. ANGEL'S CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
Angel, Fred, Gunn, Wesley, and Lorne are sitting in the conference room at the table. Harmony is sitting in a chair by the wall.
ANGEL
This is war. 2 demon clans, the Vinjis and the Sahrvin. They've been battling it out for 5 generations.
GUNN
Way back when, clans got along OK. Shared a few hundred miles of desert, traded livestock, and even partied together once in a while. Then a Vinji used the wrong fork at a Sahrvin bonding ceremony. Sahrvins took offense, and they've been slaughtering each other ever since.
FRED
You're saying this whole thing started over a fork faux pas?
GUNN
They're pretty finicky about manners.
ANGEL
But the clans have agreed to negotiate a truce, here, tomorrow.
FRED
Why now?
GUNN
Demon rights activist by the name of Tobias Dupree got involved. He's liaison to both clans. Only guy in the world they all trust, and he called us for help.
WESLEY
Etiquette aside, the Vinji and the Sahrvin are notoriously vicious. Why not let them wipe each other out?
GUNN
Hey, I got no love for these guys, but we manage to push through a peace plan and the whole demon world's gonna know we got game.
FRED
That makes sense, in a kind of gray, Machiavellian kind of way.
ANGEL
Obviously, both clans are sensitive to the smallest slight. We don't dot an "i" or cross a "t," this whole thing could explode in our faces.
WESLEY
(reading through a document)
This is a complete list of manners and customs. We should probably all memorize this. Apparently, gazing at a Vinji's ankles can lead to eye gouging.
Dan, the young man from the break room, walks up to the conference room door. Lorne notices him and waves him in.
LORNE
Come on. Dandito, come on. He gets a wee shy around the big boss. All the way in, yeah.
DAN
I, uh, finished the seating chart.
(hands Lorne a small presentation board)
LORNE
(looks over the seating chart)
All right. This kid was up all night jigsawing who's going where tomorrow. He's a real up-and-comer, this one.
FRED
(to Angel) My lab managed that upgrade to the weapons scanner like you requested.
ANGEL
Foolproof?
FRED
I'd say yes, but then some fool would just come along and sneak something past us, but it's still state of the art.
GUNN
And since none of the clan representatives speak English, I'll be doing most of the talking.
WESLEY
You?
GUNN
Yeah. Along with the law - and the Gilbert and Sullivan - also got me a few demon languages in the brain upload.
FRED
So, aside from forks, ankles, and us not knowing what they're saying, any other potential minefields?
ANGEL
All their etiquette issues go along with a healthy dose of superstition.
HARMONY
(excited, she finally pipes up)
You don't know the half of it. I've been doing a whole bunch of research on these guys, their customs and stuff? Did you know that they think poodles are wicked bad luck?
WESLEY
Harmony, I'm glad you're here.
(Harmony smiles, a touch proud)
We'll be needing lunch.
Harmony looks deflated.
GUNN
Good idea. We should order before the crush.
FRED
Not Thai again. Something lighter.
Cut to:
12 INT. BREAK ROOM AT WOLFRAM & HART - DAY
Harmony's in the break room for lunch, sipping from her pink travel mug. She's listening to the two girls she'd tried to befriend earlier talk to each other.
OFFICE GIRL #1
Burkle's always giving Mr. Gunn the eye. Heard they used to be a thing.
OFFICE GIRL #2
I don't know. Alice said she and that Knox guy are pretty friendly.
OFFICE GIRL #1
Maybe she's sleeping with both of 'em!
OFFICE GIRL #2
That's what I'd do.
(giggles)
HARMONY
Don't forget about Wesley. I get the vibe that he's, like, totally crushing over Fred.
OFFICE GIRL #1
(scoffs)
Mr. Wyndam-Pryce? Everyone knows he's-
(gasps upon seeing Dan walk up with a huge basket full of food)
Muffins!
DAN
(sets down the basket at the end of the table, placing it between the group and Harmony)
They're from Lorne. Actually from Shaq, but Lorne's declared his office a carb-free zone.
OFFICE GIRL #2
He's totally grooming you.
DAN
You think? He does call me "Dan the man."
HARMONY
Angel grooms me, too.
OFFICE GIRL #2
(whispers to her friend) Explains the haircut.
HARMONY
I'm his right arm. He's taking me places.
(her cell phone rings)
We're so connected.
(to phone) Yeah, boss.
ANGEL (O.S.)
(on the cell phone) Harmony, get the hell down here. Now! Why can't you do anything right?
HARMONY
(smiles, as not to let the others know he was mad at her)
Uh, sure. No, no trouble at all. That's what I'm here for. Bye.
(hangs up the phone, stands, and walks out)
Cut to:
13 INT. LOBBY OF WOLFRAM & HART - DAY
Angel's standing in the middle of the lobby, frowning, with his hands on his hips, waiting for Harmony.
ANGEL
Harmony! Do you wanna explain this?
HARMONY
OK, this is totally my fault. I specifically told the caterers the delivery was for tomorrow,
(pan over to show a huge camel standing in the middle of the lobby)
but I should've called to confirm. You know caterers: not the best listeners.
(elevator dings, Fred walks out, reading papers)
FRED
(startled by the camel)
Ohh!
ANGEL
Harmony, uh, got us a camel.
HARMONY
Like I said, I did a lot of research. Camel meat's a delicacy, so I thought it would be a great way to kick off the summit, 'cause of the clans being so uptight. Like... comfort food.
ANGEL
Comfort food.
HARMONY
Uh-huh! And as host, you get the honor of slicing off its hump and sticking a hot poker through its heart. And then the demon leaders rip apart its carcass with their bare hands.
(smiles, nods)
ANGEL
(Chuckles)
Are you? I don't even know h-how...
FRED
Maybe the camel was the wrong way to go.
ANGEL
Harmony, you are supposed to answer the phones, make appointments, and anticipate my needs, which does not include a petting zoo in my lobby.
HARMONY
OK, but... caterer said no returns.
(camel snorts)
ANGEL
Get it out of here!
FRED
Maybe you could go with a nice cheese platter?
(Harmony starts crying)
Or chips and dip. Chips and dip would be fine.
HARMONY
I did everything right! This is what they eat!
FRED
Angel's just feeling a little off, and he-he's not in the mood to, you know, butcher a camel.
HARMONY
(crying)
No! He hates me!
FRED
No! He'll get over it.
HARMONY
Everybody hates me.
FRED
I don't hate you. I-I mean, it's just I-I don't know you that well and-
HARMONY
(stops sniffling and smiles at Fred)
What are you doing after work?
Fred looks stuck, grimaces, and says nothing. The camel groans.
Cut to:
14 INT. BAR - NIGHT
Harmony and Fred are sitting at a table talking over drinks at an upscale bar.
HARMONY
...and the worst part is, I can't even quit, 'cause I don't have anywhere else to go.
FRED
I'm sure that's not... Really?
HARMONY
I tried being out on my own, all independent and evil. I'm just no good at it.
FRED
But, I mean, isn't that a good thing?
HARMONY
Not like everything's so great now. You heard Angel. I'm useless.
FRED
Harmony, it was one mistake. And you can't take everything Angel says so personally. He-he has a lot on his mind.
HARMONY
(sighs)
I just wish I were more like you. You know, except for the part about being all into science... and not having a lot upfront. I mean, you have 2 hot guys after you.
FRED
I do?
HARMONY
All the girls, they think it's Knox and Gunn. Course, I know it's Knox and Wesley, not that they listen. It is Knox and Wes, right?
FRED
Yeah...I mean, no.
(laughs)
I-I don't know. I-we all work together, and there's a lot of baggage, and... Why am I telling you this?
HARMONY
Because we're totally bonding! We're like gal pals! This is awesome! You can teach me about life, and I can teach you how to dress better.
FRED
Um...
(chuckles)
They are both kind of hot, aren't they? Knox and Wes? I... Wait, why is everyone at the office so interested in who I might be dating?
HARMONY
Because you're at the top. People wanna know what's happening with the bigwigs. You'd think they'd ask me, but...
FRED
Why don't they? Harmony, do you...Do you not have many friends at work?
HARMONY
I just...I don't get it. I used to be way popular in high school.
(sighs)
Just since I got vamped at my graduation, I've had trouble connecting with people.
FRED
Well, maybe you should... you know, put yourself out there more. I mean, lots of Wolfram & Hart people hang out right here. You should mingle.
Harmony looks around the bar and notices several of the girls and guys from the break room are at the bar too.
HARMONY
They're all straight. Non-vamps. I gravitate more towards the undead variety.
FRED
Well, there's your problem. The undead, they're not exactly givers. I'm sure there are tons of straight guys who would love to get to know you.
HARMONY
Well... there is one at the bar.
(Fred turns to look, but Harmony stops her)
(whispers) Don't! I think he's checking me out.
FRED
(smiles, nods)
You should go talk to him.
HARMONY
Oh, no, I couldn't. I'm hanging with my gal pal. I would never do that to you.
FRED
Oh, don't be silly. I'd be fine if-
HARMONY
OK, bye!
(stands, starts toward the bar, but stops)
Ooh, what do I say?
FRED
Oh, um, just say hi and introduce yourself. I bet he takes it from there.
HARMONY
Right. But what if he doesn't... take it?
FRED
Well, questions are always good. Ask him where he's from and what he does for a living...
HARMONY
Cover the boring stuff.
FRED
Only... maybe act like it's not. Boring.
HARMONY
I can do that.
(starts toward the bar, then turns to wave Fred off)
Well, don't watch me!
(walks up to the man at the bar)
FRED
(to herself) I'll just, um...I'll just...go.
HARMONY
(sits by the man at the bar)
Hi. I'm Harmony.
MAN AT BAR
Well, hi, Harmony. It's nice to meet-
HARMONY
Where are you from?
MAN AT BAR
U-uh, the bay area, originall-
HARMONY
Uh-huh. Interesting. What do you do for a living?
MAN AT BAR
Why don't I get you a drink? You look thirsty.
(Harmony smiles and nods coyly)
Cut to:
15 INT. HARMONY'S APARTMENT - MORNING
Pan across the contents of a dark bedroom, stopping on a cute pink alarm/clock/radio that reads 6:59. When the time changes to 7:00, the alarm beeps and the radio starts playing. A hand reaches over and fumbles with the buttons until the beeping stops. Pan over to show Harmony waking up, holding her hand to her head as if it hurts. She rolls over and finds herself facing the man from the bar. She seems surprised to see him in her bed as she gasps, sits up clutching the bed covers to her topless body, and peeks under the covers to see that she's naked. She hides her face in her hand and grimaces. She sighs, shakes her head, and looks at the man.
HARMONY
Uh... Tim? Trevor? George? Apparently you and I... you know, and I'm sure I rocked your world and all, but... I gotta go to work, so... Hello?
Harmony pushes on the man's shoulder to wake him, but he just rolls over. Zoom in to show two bloody fang marks on his neck.
HARMONY
Oops.
Fade to black.
ACT II:
16 INT. HALLWAY OF HARMONY'S APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING
Harmony peeks out her door to make sure the hallway is empty. She comes out of her apartment carrying a pastel-striped laundry bag with a body in it. She waits by the elevator but hears a dog barking nearby, so she turns toward the garbage chute. Harmony sets down her travel mug and purse and pushes the laundry bag into the garbage chute, but it's a little too large and isn't going in easily. Harmony looks up to see the old woman in a housecoat walking the little dog again. Harmony struggles to get the bag pushed down the chute, and stands in front of the chute as the old woman walks by.
HARMONY
Hi, Mrs. Jacobi.
The dog growls as they pass by Harmony. The woman doesn't acknowledge Harmony, who waves as the woman and dog get into the elevator. After the elevator door closes, Harmony turns back to the chute to shove the laundry bag into it. The bag finally goes into the chute, but the body bounces off the dumpster lid in the basement below and falls onto the pavement. Harmony peers down the chute to see what happened.
HARMONY
Oh, crapola!
Harmony picks up her pink travel mug and purse and takes the stairs down to the basement garage.
Cut to:
17 INT. BASEMENT OF HARMONY'S APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING
Harmony puts down her travel mug and purse and walks toward the pastel-striped laundry bag that failed to fall into the dumpster just as the elevator bell dings, revealing the old woman and her dog inside. Harmony bends down to pick up the bag when another bag full of garbage comes down the chute and fails to fall in the dumpster, instead bouncing off and landing on her. Harmony grimaces and easily picks up her laundry bag, tossing it lightly into the dumpster right as the old woman passes by. Harmony stands and smiles at the woman.
HARMONY
Have a nice day, Mrs. Jacobi.
The dog growls as they walk by Harmony. Harmony turns and empties the bag of garbage that fell on her back into the dumpster to cover her laundry bag.
Cut to:
18 INT. LOBBY OF WOLFRAM & HART - DAY
The elevator doors open onto the lobby of Wolfram and Hart, but Harmony is afraid to step out of the elevator. She peers cautiously around the corner to look at her desk, then nods, psyching herself up.
HARMONY
OK... just act normal.
(steps off the elevator, passes another employee, and laughs)
Hi! How's it hangin'? Love the pocket square.
Harmony settles into her desk quicker than usual. She notices Rudy, the lab technician, testing people in the lobby nearby. Harmony sinks low in her desk chair, hiding from him when Angel walks up.
ANGEL
Blood?
HARMONY
(looking at her clothes)
Where?!
ANGEL
That's what I'd like to know. Where's my blood? Harmony, I got the demon summit today, and you're late, and...
(notices her peering up over her desktop)
What are you doing?
HARMONY
Desk crunches. "Get fit while you sit." You should see my abs. You wanna? Mug o' blood, coming right up, boss.
(stands, grabs his white mug)
ANGEL
Harmony...
HARMONY
Huh?
ANGEL
I can't afford to have anything go wrong today.
HARMONY
What could go wrong?
(whimpers)
Cut to:
19 INT. BREAK ROOM AT WOLFRAM & HART - DAY
Harmony opens the microwave, interrupting the cooking of something in a blue bowl. She takes the blue bowl out and puts the white mug in, presses the buttons to heat up its contents, and starts talking to herself.
HARMONY
OK... I remember the talking. "Hi, I'm Harmony." "You look thirsty." "Well, why don't I drink a couple quarts of your blood, then, Tom...Terry..." Uhh!
(leans on the microwave)
Drinking. That's my problem. Too much drinking. I don't even remember taking him home. Damn lemon drops. I never should have- Fred! She made me talk to him! She's responsible for...
DAN
You did it again!
HARMONY
(panicked)
It's not my fault!
DAN
What?
HARMONY
Uh...
(microwave beeps, she takes the mug of blood out of the microwave)
You can't blame me because Angel gets grumpy when he's hungry.
Harmony takes the thermos covered in shiny unicorn stickers out of the refrigerator and starts drinking from it directly. Suddenly, she can't get enough... she's guzzling. Then she notices that the rest of the people in the break room are staring at her.
HARMONY
Oh...
(laughs)
Stress eating. Angel's all... about the summit, and, you know, I'm his right arm, so, the stress, and... the...
(turns away and guzzles some more)
(cell phone rings, she puts down the thermos and answers it)
Hi, boss. Uh, there was a line at the microwave? I'm coming!
Cut to:
20 INT. LOBBY OF WOLFRAM & HART - DAY
Harmony's back at her desk, talking on the phone, checking off items on the list in front of her. The list reads as follows:
To Do:
Big Demon Summit:
__Remind Security of Summit
x Arrange Transportation
x Return Camel
x Confirm Catering
HARMONY
That's right. Chips and dip. I know. I told him. He just... wildebeest. Really?
(ponders a moment, then shakes head)
No, we better just stick with the chip-dip thing. Thanks.
(hangs up phone)
OK. It's all peachy. Just get through the day and I'm home...
(stares at a woman's neck as she walks by, listening to her heart beating)
Ohh...
(telephone rings)
Angel's office. One moment, please.
(buzzes intercom)
ANGEL (O.S.)
Yeah?
HARMONY
There's a Detective Griffin for you.
ANGEL (O.S.)
Put him through.
Harmony presses buttons on the phone but doesn't hang up.
ANGEL
This is Angel.
(watching Harmony listen in)
MAN
Yeah, this is Dave Griffin, L.A.P.D. Thought you'd wanna know, we found a body this morning. Vampire attack. Looks like he was -
ANGEL
(to phone) Hold on.
(yells) Harmony? I got it!
HARMONY
Oh.
(laughs)
Right. Sorry.
(hangs up)
(peers over into Angel's office as he hangs up the phone)
Oh, God.
(Angel dials the phone again, and is off quickly)
Oh, God!
(Gunn and Wesley walk to Angel's office with determination)
(Harmony panics and waves her hands nervously)
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God!
GUNN
Do you know what this is about?
WESLEY
Perhaps one of the Vinjis set down a teacup improperly.
ANGEL
(steps outside his office, standing in front of his door)
Worse. Just got off the phone with the L.A.P.D. They found a body.
HARMONY
(from her desk)
Where? Did he say where?
ANGEL
City dump, wrapped in a laundry bag.
WESLEY
And the police called you because...
ANGEL
Apparently, we own them.
GUNN
Right. Makes sense.
WESLEY
Of course.
ANGEL
Well, that, and they found my card on the victim. It was the liaison between the feuding clans.
GUNN
Toby Dupree?
HARMONY
Toby! That was his...
(notices the others turn their attention to her)
...name. Really? Huh. You don't hear unusual names like that anymore.
ANGEL
We're gonna have to do some serious damage control.
GUNN
You think? Demon rights activist gets munched by a vamp on our watch?
HARMONY
(to herself) He told me he was an astronaut.
WESLEY
No telling how the clans are gonna take this. Superstitious as they are, they may see it as an omen or...
HARMONY
So, this cop? He doesn't have any actual real info, right?
WESLEY
It is possible that someone's trying to send a message, derail the summit.
HARMONY
Ooh! Yeah! That must be it! The derailing thing. That-that makes sense. Right?
Cut to:
21 INT. ANGEL'S OFFICE - DAY
Angel's sitting at his desk having a conference call on the speakerphone while Gunn and Wesley stand by. The demons speak their demon language, and Gunn translates.
GUNN
The Vinji clan is deeply concerned about this turn of events.
WESLEY
(to Angel) Perhaps if you say something.
ANGEL
Oh, no. I'm not ready. Look, just tell them that the summit can proceed as planned, and they shouldn't, you know, start skinning each other.
GUNN
Shta mahkleo. (Clicks tongue) Nohn padmag, vitqui. They're lookin' for vengeance.
SUBTITLE: All is well, oh, powerful one. The summit can proceed.
VINJI LEADER (O.S.)
SUBTITLE: Killer must be found! Killer must be punished!
ANGEL
Tell 'em we're on it.
GUNN
Veel wsh kpwnk. (Clicks tongue)
SUBTITLE: You have our oath.
ANGEL
Veel mahnkshay. (Clicking tongue)
SUBTITLE: Be disemboweled.
VINJI LEADER (O.S.)
SUBTITLE: Filthy man whore! How dare you! You-
GUNN
Uh, uh, han tafka mahnkchne. Baybay porro akei nah paprikay. Komgrat? (Clicks tongue)
SUBTITLE: He meant, be patient! The whore man is a novice in your tongue and makes foolish errors. We make fun of him, yes?
Irritated, Gunn presses the buttons to end the call. Angel sighs heavily.
WESLEY
What happened to you not saying anything?
ANGEL
I got caught up. Obviously a mistake.
HARMONY
Forgive and forget, I say! It's the Golden Rule.
GUNN
These guys are not gonna forgive, and they're definitely not gonna forget until we figure out-
ANGEL
Who killed Dupree. I know. Fred'll be able to tell us some more soon. Dupree's body should be in the lab by now.
HARMONY
Lab? Our lab?
(turns and exits quickly)
GUNN
That was fast.
ANGEL
Shouldn't take long to track down the vampire who did this, set things right.
Cut to:
22 INT. SCIENCE LAB - DAY
Fred is speaking into a recording device as she examines the man's body on the lab table.
FRED
...significant postmortem battering. Suggests prior relationship with the victim. Consulting coroner puts time of death at approximately 1:30 A.M., Which-
(Harmony walks up to Fred, startling her as she examines the body)
Harmony.
HARMONY
Hi! I just thought I'd pop in to see-
FRED
Angel sent you, didn't he?
HARMONY
Angel?
FRED
He's all antsy about the demon summit, so he sent you here to rush me, only he doesn't wanna seem like he sent you here to rush me, so he told you to act all... like that.
HARMONY
Oh! Yeah! Totally.
(laughs)
You know our Angel. So... what do you know? Do-do you know who did it?
FRED
The body's only been here 20 minutes.
HARMONY
Uh-huh. And don't you think it's possible that whoever did it could have blacked out and doesn't even remember doing it, so it's totally not their fault?
FRED
(shrugs)
I...I guess. Oh, hey, last night was actually... I mean, I really had...kind of a nice time.
HARMONY
Huh? Oh, yeah. Me, too.
FRED
(to her recorder) Bite marks are 17 millimeters apart, 6 millimeters deep, on the right side of the neck.
HARMONY
Well, that doesn't sound like much to go on.
FRED
(to her recorder) The size and depth of the wound indicate a female vampire.
HARMONY
Or gay!
FRED
Um...it doesn't really work like that. Anyway, if you want to hang out again sometime, we could grab some wine, jam to the Dixie Chicks.
HARMONY
Oh, gee, you know, my schedule's kind of packed right-
FRED
(looking closely at the body)
Hey!
HARMONY
What?
FRED
Something you want to tell me?
HARMONY
Tell...what?
FRED
The guy at the bar.
(stands, giggles)
I want to hear all about it.
HARMONY
Oh! That. Uh...well... loser...
(scoffs)
Big! Told me he was an astronaut.
FRED
Like anyone would believe that!
HARMONY
I know! Well, I'd better...
(exits)
Cut to:
23 INT. HALLWAY IN WOLFRAM & HART - DAY
Harmony walks down the hallway, wringing her hands, talking to herself.
HARMONY
OK, that's it. I gotta get out of here, leave the country. Maybe Mexico. Yeah, I like Mexico. Or Cancun, I hear that's...
(stops talking to herself a moment while someone passes by, then begins again)
anyway, I'll... I'll start over, change my name. Harmonita, that's kind of pre-
(stops, has an epiphany)
Bitten on the right. He was bitten on the right!
(jumping up and down with joy, Harmony reaches out to kiss the nearest person, which happens to be Rudy, the lab technician)
Oh, my God! I didn't do it!
(kisses Rudy, who pricks her finger with his needle)
Ouch!
RUDY
You sound just like my 6-year-old. He's always sayin' that...
Rudy's display beeps and flashes the red letters: "POSITIVE. Transmitting results." Harmony grabs it to read what it says. Rudy stares at her in disbelief. She shrugs and giggles, then punches him, knocking him out, and catches him in her arms.
Fade to black.
ACT III:
24 INT. HALLWAY IN WOLFRAM & HART - DAY
Harmony opens a utility closet door, and shoves the unconscious body of Rudy into the closet. She shuts the door on him and walks off down the hall, checking that her hair is still in place. Lorne starts walking down the hall toward her, and she turns around to walk away from him.
LORNE
(to cell phone) No, no. Yeah, well, I'm talkin' first-degree murder. Yeah, mine, if these demons find out we're short 4 gift bags. Hey, Lorraine, you're a lifesaver.
(hangs up)
Harmonica, Harmonica, hey, hey. You seen Danny around? I need him to-
HARMONY
Oh, no. So, just curious, you know those random blood tests? Where do they go?
LORNE
Well, the results get automatically transmitted down to the lab, I think. And then, uh, they-
(Lorne hears Rudy moaning from the closet)
Did you just hear that?
HARMONY
(shakes her head)
Hear what?
(shrugs)
Cut to:
25 INT. HALLWAY IN WOLFRAM & HART - DAY
Harmony pushes the unconscious body of Lorne into the utility closet with Rudy. She closes the door labeled "Maintenance Only", checks that the hallway is clear, then walks away.
Cut to:
26 INT. SCIENCE LAB - DAY
Harmony walks up to Fred, startling her as she's reading a printout.
FRED
Harmony!
(backs away)
HARMONY
I can explain!
FRED
(takes off her reading glasses and tries to get past Harmony)
You don't have to explain anything. I just have to get something out of my... I left my autoclave on.
HARMONY
It's not what you think!
FRED
OK, so your test came back positive. You slipped, had some human blood. Maybe it was consensual, or...
HARMONY
There was nothing! I mean, I think there was something... I don't remember exactly. I think somebody must have drugged me. I was at the bar, and then I woke up, and he was there.
FRED
Wait. He?
HARMONY
He.
(points to the body on the lab table)
Him! The guy you made me talk to!
FRED
Oh, God.
(looks at the body)
He's him?
HARMONY
I didn't kill him! I'm innocent! See, 'cause you said he was bitten on the right. I'm a right-biter.
FRED
Uh...
HARMONY
Look.
(grabs Fred's shoulders and feigns biting her)
FRED
(disgusted, recoils)
Aah!
HARMONY
See? Right-biter.
(grabs Fred to feign biting her again)
FRED
(pushes Harmony away)
Harmony, stop!
HARMONY
I lean right, which means I bite you on your...
FRED
Left. I get it. Left.
HARMONY
Right! I mean, correct. And since he was bitten on his right, he had to have been bitten by a left-biter, ergo, not me!
FRED
OK, that's a very convincing argument, Harmony, except your blood test came back positive.
HARMONY
Yeah, I know, but that's...it couldn't! It's a mistake, or... I drank it accidentally, or...
(gasps)
Somebody spiked my thermos.
FRED
Why would anyone...?
(inches toward the phone)
HARMONY
I don't know. Because - the summit! Someone wants to ruin it, or-
(notices Fred's right by the phone)
What are you doing?
FRED
(picks up the phone)
I want to believe you, Harmony. I do. I think if we just call and explain what happened to Angel, it-
HARMONY
(presses the phone toggle, effectively hanging up the line)
No! Zero tolerance policy, remember?
FRED
He can help.
HARMONY
He's not a helper. He's a chopper. He'll cut my head off before I get 2 words-
FRED
He won't!
HARMONY
(desperately)
I'm not a killer!
(Fred looks at her, disbelieving)
Well, I am, but I've been clean for 8 months... except for today, but that is different because it's not me!
FRED
Angel will listen, I promise. He'll want to hear what you have to say, and he'll understand. Don't worry. Everything will be fine. OK?
(dials the phone)
Harmony stares as Fred dials.
Cut to:
27 INT. HALLWAY IN WOLFRAM & HART - DAY
Harmony pushes Fred's unconscious body into the hall utility closet. Fred starts to come to, and Harmony puts duct tape over Fred's mouth, muffling Fred's cries. Fred is lying on top of a pile of people (Lorne and Rudy) who have their mouths and hands duct-taped. Harmony steps back to address them.
HARMONY
I'm totally sorry I have to do this, and you guys are being super understanding. It's just till I clear my name. I so owe you guys dinner.
Harmony closes the closet door and walks back down the hall talking to herself.
HARMONY
OK, OK, OK. So...I'm being set up. Somebody put blood in my blood. Human blood in my thermos. So, fingerprints. Right. Gotta get my thermos.
Cut to:
28 INT. LOBBY OF WOLFRAM & HART - DAY
The demon tribal leaders are talking to Angel and Gunn in the lobby. Harmony hides around the corner, hoping to avoid their notice.
VINJI LEADER
(Screeching)
SUBTITLE: Dupree's murderer still walks free.
ANGEL
What?
VINJI LEADER
(Speaking demonic language)
SUBTITLE: This gathering is cursed.
ANGEL
What is she saying?
GUNN
That want to walk.
Gy men khijin mogor. (Click)
SUBTITLE: We'll make it right.
GUNN
I told her...
ANGEL
I got the general idea. What do they want?
VINJI LEADER
(Click click, screech)
SUBTITLE: If you cannot offer the blood of the killer, one of your own must die.
GUNN
That ain't good.
VINJI LEADER
Aah!
ANGEL
What?
GUNN
Seems it's bad luck to get things going before we cough up a little eye for an eye. Seeing as though we don't have the actual bad guy, they're willing to accept a substitute.
ANGEL
They want a blood sacrifice? Harmony!
HARMONY
(pops out from behind the corner)
A person makes one little mistake...
ANGEL
Find Fred. I want to know what she got off the body.
HARMONY
(gulps)
Fred?
(nods)
Right. I'm on it.
(walks across the lobby)
Cut to:
29 INT. BREAK ROOM AT WOLFRAM & HART - DAY
Harmony walks into the break room while Dan is reaching into the refrigerator for the stainless steel thermos covered in unicorn stickers.
HARMONY
Aha!
(Dan turns to face her, holding the thermos)
The smoking thermos!
DAN
What?
HARMONY
Trying to get rid of the evidence?
DAN
What evidence? I was just tryin' to get to Lorne's protein snack.
HARMONY
Ha! You expect me to believe that? Go on. Admit it!
DAN
Admit what?
HARMONY
(yelling)
That you stole my thermos and filled it with human blood!
DAN
Human...what?!
HARMONY
(pushes Dan against the refrigerator)
It is so totally obvious you hate me!
(screaming)
You've probably been watching me sweat all day, laughing!
DAN
Hate you? I don't care about you enough to hate-
OFFICE GIRL #1
(steps up to Harmony)
Hey, leave him alone!
HARMONY
(vamps out, turns to the girl)
Mind your own business!
(everyone scurries to leave the break room)
(to Dan) You murdered that guy and put him in my bed!
DAN
Murdered?!
(crying)
Oh, God!
HARMONY
(clasps her hands around his throat)
You did this to me, and now you're gonna confess!
DAN
I'm-I'm-I'm sorry! I didn't - what guy? Please, I swear. Don't kill me!
Someone breaks a glass container on Dan's head, knocking him out.
HARMONY
What the...?
(turns to see Tamika standing there, un-vamps her face)
What'd you do that for?
TAMIKA
To make it look like you did.
HARMONY
Why would you want to- Hey! It was you!
(beat)
Who are you?
Fade to black.
ACT IV:
30 INT. BREAK ROOM AT WOLFRAM & HART - DAY
Tamika stalks ever closer to Harmony, who's backing up slowly.
TAMIKA
You don't remember? Think steno pool.
(Harmony shrugs)
I sat next to you.
HARMONY
(stands behind a table)
Sambuca.
TAMIKA
(hits the table)
Tamika!
HARMONY
Right!
TAMIKA
Well, you were only there for, what was it? 5 weeks?
HARMONY
More like 4 1/2.
TAMIKA
I have been there for 5 years! I type 80 words a minute. I have an exceptionally pleasant phone voice. But you're the one who sits at the best desk in the building. You're the one in the in-crowd.
HARMONY
(chuckles)
You think I'm in the in-crowd?
TAMIKA
Oh, I see you in all the important meetings. You're on the fast track. Well, that's all about to change. I have witnesses who saw you attack Danny, and when Mr. Angel hears that I saved him, you job will be mine by the end of the day.
Tamika kicks the table toward Harmony, who leaps into the air to avoid it as it shatters against the wall. Harmony vamps out.
HARMONY
You're forgetting one thing. Kinda have the advantage.
TAMIKA
(vamps out)
Kinda not.
HARMONY
Oh.
(Tamika throws the first punch, and fighting ensues)
I should've smelled you!
TAMIKA
You would've if you wore less of that tacky perfume!
The girls continue fighting with punches and kicks.
HARMONY
Chanel's not tacky!
(charges at Tamika)
TAMIKA
(grabs Harmony by the throat and pushes her back against the wall)
Saw you at that bar and I said to myself, "this is it, Tamika. This is your chance." So I slipped a roofie in your drink while you were busy slutting it up. Then I followed you back to your place with that guy and waited till you passed out, and then broke in, had myself a little snack.
HARMONY
That is just... ugh! I am so gonna kick your ass!
TAMIKA
(grabs a set of chopsticks from the countertop and rears back with them)
Dust can't kick!
Harmony kicks Tamika in the chest, sending her across the room. Harmony goes after her, but Tamika trips her, sending Harmony to the floor. Harmony sees another pair of chopsticks on the floor, unwraps them, and crawls toward Tamika, who kicks Harmony across the room. Both girls get to their feet, holding chopsticks in front of them like swords. Harmony splits her chopsticks, holding one in each hand now. Tamika follows suit. Tamika gets into a martial arts pose, as does Harmony. They fight with fists and kicks, trying to stake each other with the chopsticks. Harmony and Tamika get close to staking one another, but each blocks the other's motion, causing an impasse.
HARMONY
You're gonna tell Angel the truth!
TAMIKA
You want to know the first thing I'm gonna do when I get your desk? Smash all of those stupid, ugly-ass unicorns!
Cut to:
31 INT. HALLWAY IN WOLFRAM & HART - DAY
The girls take the fight out into the hallway with a loud crash. Harmony has Tamika in a headlock and is pulling her hair.
TAMIKA
Unh!
HARMONY
And then you're gonna tell Angel how you stole my thermos and filled it with human blood! And how you tricked me -
(Tamika steps hard on Harmony's toe, causing Harmony to lose her grip on Tamika)
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
(hops around holding her foot)
TAMIKA
My lips? Sealed. The key? Lost it!
Tamika starts kicking Harmony.
Cut to:
32 INT. ANGEL'S CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
A noise that sounds like women screeching is heard in the conference room. It's unclear whether or not it's Harmony and Tamika fighting or if it's the demon language. Focus on the demon clans meeting in the conference room. Speaking in their language, the demons are hissing and clicking angrily at each other. They are speaking with their hands outstretched in clawing motions, their hissing and growling sounds and their body language are getting progressively more aggressive. Angel and Gunn look on as the demon leaders hiss, growl, screech, and click at one another.
ANGEL
Funny how that wasn't on the tape.
GUNN
They're still demanding a-
VINJI LEADER
SUBTITLE: Whore man has failed!
SAHRVIN LEADER
SUBTITLE: We demand a sacrifice!
Suddenly, Harmony and Tamika crash through the glass wall of the conference room near the head of the table. Harmony picks Tamika up off the floor, throws her onto the table, rears back, and stakes her with a chopstick. Tamika vanishes into a cloud of dust. The demon leaders look at Harmony.
HARMONY
(to Angel) I didn't mean to do that yet.
The demon leaders look at one another, calmer now.
VINJI LEADER
Quid uab an. Tacha (Click click).
SUBTITLE: Works for me.
SAHRVIN LEADER
(nods)
Kye glau mmm.
SUBTITLE: I'm good.
The demon leaders sit down, smiling, and look at Angel.
HARMONY
(in human face now, still holding the chopsticks)
I...can explain?
The demons all turn to face Angel, who crosses his arms disapprovingly.
Cut to:
33 INT. ANGEL'S OFFICE - NIGHT
Fred, Rudy, and Lorne are sitting in Angel's office holding ice packs to their heads.
ANGEL
You should have just come to me.
Harmony hangs her head.
FRED
Gee, I wish I would have thought of telling her that.
HARMONY
I'm really, really sorry, you guys. I totally wouldn't have hit you over he head and put you in the closet if I didn't have a really good reason. It's just... I was scared, and...
(sighs)
(to Angel) I know you never wanted me as your assistant, and... OK, I made some bad choices. I mean, it's not like I have a soul. I have to try a lot harder.
Gunn walks out of the conference room, closing the door behind him.
WESLEY
How's it going in there?
GUNN
Well, so far, no heads are rolling. How 'bout in here?
FRED
Harmony could've handled it better, but she didn't kill anyone.
RUDY
(sighs)
You'll be clean in 2 days, but I'll be watchin' you.
HARMONY
I know. He won't have to be watching 'cause... I'll just pack up my desk.
(turns to leave)
ANGEL
Harmony?
(turns back to Angel)
Just bring us some coffee.
Harmony walks out, frowning.
Cut to:
34 INT. BAR - NIGHT
Harmony is back at the bar where she and Fred went, only this time she's there by herself, sitting at the bar, talking to the bartender.
HARMONY
So I save the summit by killing the skank who tried to frame me, and all I get is, "get me some coffee." You believe that?
(shakes her head, then sits up smiling)
Oh, hey, can I get another, but with one of those little umbrellas?
BARTENDER
We're out.
HARMONY
Right. Figures.
SPIKE
(walks up to Harmony)
Yeah, life's an ever-lovin' bitch, isn't it?
HARMONY
What are you doing here?
SPIKE
At the moment, hearing a bit of your story of woe.
(sits at the bar beside Harmony)
HARMONY
But...what happened to Europe? Aren't you supposed to be slayer-chasing or something?
SPIKE
I was on my way. Had a boat ticket and all. Then I put a little thinking into it. A man can't go out in a bloody blaze of glory, savin' the world, and then show up 3 months later, tumbling off a cruise ship in the south of France. I mean, I'd love to, don't get me wrong, but, uh, it's hard to top an exit like that.
HARMONY
(rolls her eyes)
Come on. Girls don't care about stuff like that. Just one look at you, and she'll forget herself, and she'll get all tingly, and it won't matter how horribly you treated her in the past and how you took her for granted, and...
SPIKE
I never took her for gr... Oh. I expect Buffy would be happy enough to see me. It's just, I gave up my life for her, the world, and if I show up now, flesh and bone, my grand finale won't hold much weight. All of it... won't matter.
HARMONY
Yeah, not mattering.
(sighs)
I know that feeling well.
SPIKE
Oh, come on, Harm, you matter to someone.
HARMONY
(looks at Spike)
I do?
SPIKE
Yeah. Girl tried to frame you, didn't she? Must have mattered to her. Everybody's talking about it.
HARMONY
You're right. That girl hated me. She wanted me dead. I matter.
Spike nods and holds up his drink in a toasting motion. Harmony sips her drink and nods, smiling.
Fade to black.
5x09 Episode #97 "Harm's Way"
Written by Sarah Fain and Elizabeth Craft
Directed by Vern Gillum
Originally aired January 14, 2004
PROLOGUE:
1 MONTAGE/VARIOUS
A male announcer's voice narrates a 1.5-minute montage of what appears to be a Wolfram & Hart public relations video targeted at their new employees.
PROMO AUDIO:
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Welcome to the Los Angeles branch of Wolfram & Hart.
PROMO VIDEO:
Shot of the Wolfram & Hart sign in the lobby.
Shot of the Wolfram & Hart building from the outside during the day.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
We're the oldest and most powerful law firm in the city.
PROMO VIDEO:
Shot of the lobby.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Founded in 1791 on ground deconsecrated by the blood of mass murderer Mathias Pavayne,
PROMO VIDEO:
Pan across an antique map of the California area, zooming in on Los Angeles for a close-up.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Wolfram & Hart has put roots down in this glamorous city that grow deep,
PROMO VIDEO:
View of the Los Angeles skyline at sunset.
Shot of the "HOLLYWOOD" sign.
Shot of the Santa Monica beach sign that reads: "Yacht Harbor", "Sport Fishing & Boating", and "Cafes".
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
and branches that reach right into the heart of every major corporation,
PROMO VIDEO:
Shot of the Beverly Hills sign.
Time-lapsed shot of the Los Angeles highways and skyline at sunset.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
including Yoyodyne,
PROMO VIDEO:
Shot of a skyscraper.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Weyland Yutani,
PROMO VIDEO:
Shot of a skyscraper.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
and Newscorp.
PROMO VIDEO:
Shot of a skyscraper.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
That captain of industry? We own his soul.
PROMO VIDEO:
Shot of a white, male, middle-aged executive practicing putting on a small mat in his office.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
That fabulous movie queen? She owes us her firstborn.
PROMO VIDEO:
Footage of a white, female starlet stepping out of a limousine in a satin evening gown.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
But times change, and Wolfram & Hart is changing right along with them.
PROMO VIDEO:
Vintage footage of 1940's era cars driving down the streets of Los Angeles.
Vintage footage of 1950's era cars driving down the streets of Los Angeles.
Vintage footage of a 1960's era airplane flying over Los Angeles.
Vintage footage of 1970's era cars driving down the highways of Los Angeles.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Under our new C.E.O.,
PROMO VIDEO:
View of the Los Angeles skyline at mid-day.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Angel, we're focusing less on power
PROMO VIDEO:
Shot of Angel sitting at his desk.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
and more on using that power for good.
PROMO VIDEO:
Shot of Angel signing a contract in blood at the behest of Gunn.
Shot of Angel walking in on Fred writing scientific formulas on her window.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
We have a zero-tolerance policy for killing, and that includes you, vampires.
PROMO VIDEO:
Footage of a vampire stalking a young blonde woman, freeze-framed on the vampire before he attacks, putting a red circle with a slash through it over his face.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
That better be pig's blood, mister.
PROMO VIDEO:
Shot of a Wolfram & Hart employee sipping from a coffee mug.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Yes, our esteemed president has made it clear that this is a new company for the new millennium, and he wants to work with you.
PROMO VIDEO:
Shot of Angel speaking in a conference room to a group of employees who are all huddled together in the back of the room, as far away from Angel as possible.
ANGEL
If you don't kill, we won't kill you.
PROMO VIDEO:
Shot of Angel sitting at his desk.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
That's right, no more employee sacrifices.
PROMO VIDEO:
Shot of a circle of fire burning in a field with a woman standing inside it.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
At Wolfram & Hart, you're part of a family now.
PROMO VIDEO:
Shot of Wolfram & Hart employees walking cheerily down the hallways.
Shot of Wesley speaking to an employee in his office.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
You can work your way up the ladder, and there will always be a hand to help you up it.
PROMO VIDEO:
Cheezily staged photo-op of Angel shaking a male employee's hand while looking into the camera. Angel pats the man on the shoulder.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Every life
PROMO VIDEO:
Shot of a smiling female Wolfram & Hart employee looking at her computer monitor.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
and unlife
PROMO VIDEO:
Shot of Archduke Sebassis (the horned demon from Episode 5x05 "Life of the Party").
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
is as important to our new management as their own.
PROMO VIDEO:
Shot of Lorne talking on the cell phone, with his assistant Van walking beside him.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
So go ahead, relax, and enjoy
PROMO VIDEO:
Shot of employees dancing at the company Halloween party.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
your new Wolfram & Hart family.
PROMO VIDEO:
Shot of a couple of smiling Wolfram & Hart employees walking down the hallway.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Because at our firm, everyone matters.
PROMO VIDEO:
Shot of a smiling female Wolfram & Hart employee walking through the lobby.
Shot of a smiling male Wolfram & Hart employee walking down the stairs.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
You matter.
PROMO VIDEO:
Shot of a female Wolfram & Hart employee talking on her cell phone.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Buddy, you're going places.
PROMO VIDEO:
Shot of a smiling male Wolfram & Hart employee walking off the elevator.
Shot of the Wolfram & Hart sign in the lobby.
Cut to:
2 INT. HARMONY'S BEDROOM - MORNING
Pan across the contents of a dark bedroom, stopping on a cute pink alarm/clock/radio that reads 6:59. When the time changes to 7:00, the alarm beeps and the radio starts playing. A hand reaches over and fumbles with the buttons until the beeping stops. Pan over to show Harmony waking up.
Cut to:
3 INT. HARMONY'S BATHROOM - MORNING
Harmony steps out of the shower wrapped in a pink towel. When she walks up to the sink, she looks in an empty mirror on which flowers and the text "be your best" are painted. She brushes her teeth, spits in the sink, and when she looks up again, she's in vampire face brushing her fangs.
Cut to:
4 INT. HARMONY'S BEDROOM - MORNING
Harmony brushes her hair then spritzes her neck with perfume from a pink atomizer. She holds up a pink shirt and a turquoise shirt, trying to decide between them, then throws the blue one down on the bed.
Now fully clothed, she puts on one beige open-toed pump, then looks around to find the other one is underneath her dresser. She bends casually to pick up the dresser, getting her other pump and putting it on her foot after setting the dresser back down.
Cut to:
5 INT. BASEMENT OF HARMONY'S APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING
Harmony walks off the elevator into the basement garage where she walks past an old woman in a bathrobe walking a miniature dog. Harmony smiles and waves at the woman, who doesn't notice her.
HARMONY
Morning, Mrs. Jacobi.
The dog growls as it walks past Harmony.
Cut to:
6 INT. LOBBY OF WOLFRAM & HART - DAY
Harmony walks off the elevator into the lobby of Wolfram & Hart, carrying a pink travel mug and some clothes from the dry cleaners. She walks over to her desk, puts down her coffee mug and her purse, hangs the dry cleaning on a hook in her cubicle, and takes off her coat. She grabs a white mug from her desk and walks across the lobby with it.
Cut to:
7 INT. BREAK ROOM AT WOLFRAM & HART - DAY
Harmony walks into the employee break room carrying the white mug. The room is full of other employees talking amongst themselves.
TAMIKA
(to a colleague) I should go.
Just as Harmony walks by, Tamika, a young well-dressed black woman, stands up with her coffee. Harmony accidentally bumps into her, causing Tamika to spill her coffee all over her nice clothes.
TAMIKA
Oh! Hey!
HARMONY
Sorry.
(notices two other girls talking at a nearby table)
OFFICE GIRL #1
So then, 2 A.M., my boss calls me, wants me to search her car for - get this - a stray Vicodin.
OFFICE GIRL #2
(in disbelief)
Shut up.
HARMONY
Hello, fellow grunts.
OFFICE GIRL #1
(turns slowly, glares at Harmony)
Hey.
(looks back at her friend, ignoring Harmony)
I mean, making me drop off her stool sample was one thing, but this? I'm so asking for a raise.
HARMONY
(walks to the other side of the girl, and bends down a bit, trying to insert herself into the conversation)
Yeah! You know, I was thinking I've been due for a raise, too, 'cause...
OFFICE GIRL #2
(cuts off Harmony, completely ignoring her)
Oh, did I tell you? That cute new shaman's in my department now.
HARMONY
Right.
(nods)
Nice chatting with you, too.
(turns and walks toward the refrigerator)
Bye-bye.
Harmony sets down the mug, opens the refrigerator door, and grabs a stainless steel thermos labeled "ANGEL'S. Do Not Touch." (There is another stainless steel thermos in the refrigerator covered with unicorn stickers.) Harmony opens Angel's thermos top and pours a thick red liquid from it into the white mug that reads "#1 BOSS." She opens the microwave, interrupting the cooking of something in a blue bowl. She takes the blue bowl out and puts the white mug in, pressing the buttons to heat up its contents. An irritated man walks up to her.
DAN
Hey!
HARMONY
(smiling nervously)
Morning.
DAN
You just can't...
(points to the microwave)
There are rules.
HARMONY
(sympathetic)
Oh, I know. It's so unfair. Just because my boss is your boss's boss, his needs coming first and all.
(the microwave beeps, Harmony removes the mug, smiles, and shrugs)
See ya.
(walks away)
Dan glares at Harmony as she walks out.
Cut to:
8 INT. LOBBY OF WOLFRAM & HART - DAY
Back at her desk, Harmony sets the white mug on the ledge in front of her, with the text "#1 BOSS" facing outward. Pan out to show Angel standing there, frowning, facing Harmony.
HARMONY
So, you've got the department heads at 11:00, your 1:00 with Mistress Shriva from human "I'm sorry" non-human resources got moved to 2:00. Swung by the cleaners. Zippo luck getting out the Frophla slime. Oh, and I took care of the catering for the big feuding demon clan confab, unless you have any requests.
ANGEL
Achite vong mochzinite.
(Clicks tongue)
HARMONY
Y'OK. Could you spell that?
Angel takes an earpiece from his ear, shaking his head. A language instructor's voice can be heard through the headphone:
LANGUAGE INSTRUCTOR'S VOICE
Greetings, your eminence. Let me take your staff.
Lopenghote vong.
(Clicks tongue)
Angel stops the tape and wraps up the headphone cords. Harmony hands Angel some message slips.
ANGEL
My clicks are all wrong. You figure out the catering for tomorrow?
HARMONY
Helloo! I just-
GUNN
(walks up to Angel)
Morning. Ready to do this thing?
(Gunn and Angel walk away toward Angel's office)
HARMONY
(stands, follows them)
So, about the, uh, catering? I really went above and beyond, 'cause I know this was very...
(they completely ignore her, and shut the door in her face)
(sighs)
You're welcome.
(turns, walks back to her desk)
A man in a lab coat pushes a small cart up to Harmony's desk.
RUDY
You're up today.
HARMONY
Oh, come on, Rudy. You know I've been off the human blood for months.
RUDY
Company policy. Give me the finger.
HARMONY
(just as Harmony extends her forefinger out to Rudy, the telephone rings)
Good morning. Wolfram &-
(Rudy pricks her finger with a needle attached to a readout device)
Ow!
(to phone) I'm sorry. Wrong extension. You need 529 for curses. Foiled again, huh?
(chuckles)
Hello?
(hangs up)
RUDY
(checks his readout display: "NEGATIVE")
You're clean. Have a good one.
(pushes his cart away)
A demon in a suit walks past Harmony's desk.
HARMONY
Eli, hi.
ELI
Hey... you! I just got called up for a meeting with your boss man.
HARMONY
(looks at her schedule)
Really? I didn't see any-
ELI
Don't want to count my hatchlings, but I think the honchos are finally starting to recognize my work in accounting.
(smiles)
HARMONY
Hey, good for you.
GUNN
(opens Angel's office door)
Eli, come on in.
ELI
(to Harmony) Wish me luck, kiddo.
Harmony smiles and gestures two thumbs up. Harmony sits back in her chair to catch a breath and notices Angel's white mug is still sitting on her desk. She grabs it and walks into his office.
Cut to:
9 INT. ANGEL'S OFFICE - DAY
Just as Harmony enters the office, she witnesses Angel decapitating Eli with an axe.
HARMONY
Angel, you forgot your-
(Gasp)
Eli's head rolls across the room, landing at Harmony's feet. She looks up at Angel, revolted.
ANGEL
Get that cleaned up, would you?
Fade to black.
Opening credits.
ACT I:
10 INT. LOBBY OF WOLFRAM & HART - DAY
Two men carry Eli's body out of Angel's office in a body bag. Harmony's sitting at her desk, and Angel and Gunn are leaning against it talking to her.
HARMONY
I just...don't get it. Why'd you kill Eli?
ANGEL
Didn't much like what he was doing in his off hours.
HARMONY
Well, that's not right. What Eli did on his own time-
GUNN
Is dismember virgins.
HARMONY
Oh. Well, a person's religious beliefs is no cause for-
GUNN
He did it for his own amusement.
HARMONY
Oh. Well... OK. Still, couldn't you have given him a stern warning or something first?
ANGEL
Called a zero-tolerance policy, not a "maybe this once" policy. Nobody in this office gets away with murder, not anymore.
Fred, Lorne, and Wesley walk through the lobby as Eli's body is being carried away.
LORNE
Mmm... let me guess. Position just opened up in accounting?
GUNN
Hardest part of the job, terminating an employee.
SPIKE
(walks up to the gang)
Once again, keeping corporate America safe from evil.
FRED
Spike.
GUNN
I was wondering when you'd turn up.
FRED
Where have you been? It's been days.
SPIKE
(smiles)
Out enjoying freedom from my ghostly confines, luv.
FRED
There haven't been any side effects since you recorporealized, have there?
SPIKE
Bit of a hangover, but that's to be expected after all the drinking.
(Fred giggles)
Just thought I'd swing by and say my final farewells.
WESLEY
You're leaving?
SPIKE
You catch on quick, don't you? Yeah, I thought I'd push off, seeing as how I got somebody waiting for me.
(stares at Angel, who rolls his eyes and looks away)
WESLEY
Angel, I'm not sure that's wise, given the Shanshu prophecy is still unresolved...
SPIKE
That's your problem, mate.
(to Angel) You're welcome to that heroic destiny, whether you deserve it or not. Me, I got better things to do than wait around for the 4 bloody horsemen.
(walks away)
WESLEY
Spike...
ANGEL
Let him go.
SPIKE
(turns back toward Angel)
Yeah. Here's the thing. Could use a little walkin'-around money. How 'bout a few hundred?
ANGEL
How 'bout no?
SPIKE
(nods)
Typical, you cheap sod. Right, then. Settle for some wheels.
ANGEL
If it's gonna get you out of here faster, fine. Just not the Viper.
SPIKE
Viper it is, then.
(Angel rolls his eyes, then turns to walk away)
(calling after Angel) Any message for Buffy?
ANGEL
(without looking back at Spike)
Tell her you're a moron.
LORNE
Well, bon voyage, Spikester. Don't be a stranger.
(walks away)
SPIKE
Fred... I want you to know... uh, I mean, all that work you put in trying to, you know, cure me of the ghosties...
FRED
(smiles shyly, looks down)
I didn't do anything.
SPIKE
Oh, you did. You-you believed in m... I mean, you tried. I won't forget that.
FRED
You're welcome.
(walks away)
Spike turns to go, without having even noticed Harmony, who's crying at her desk.
HARMONY
What?
(Spike turns to face her)
I don't get a good-bye just because I went crazy and tried to rip your throat out while we were having sex?
SPIKE
(smirks)
Keep it simple, Harm. It suits you.
(walks away)
Harmony whimpers.
Cut to:
11 INT. ANGEL'S CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
Angel, Fred, Gunn, Wesley, and Lorne are sitting in the conference room at the table. Harmony is sitting in a chair by the wall.
ANGEL
This is war. 2 demon clans, the Vinjis and the Sahrvin. They've been battling it out for 5 generations.
GUNN
Way back when, clans got along OK. Shared a few hundred miles of desert, traded livestock, and even partied together once in a while. Then a Vinji used the wrong fork at a Sahrvin bonding ceremony. Sahrvins took offense, and they've been slaughtering each other ever since.
FRED
You're saying this whole thing started over a fork faux pas?
GUNN
They're pretty finicky about manners.
ANGEL
But the clans have agreed to negotiate a truce, here, tomorrow.
FRED
Why now?
GUNN
Demon rights activist by the name of Tobias Dupree got involved. He's liaison to both clans. Only guy in the world they all trust, and he called us for help.
WESLEY
Etiquette aside, the Vinji and the Sahrvin are notoriously vicious. Why not let them wipe each other out?
GUNN
Hey, I got no love for these guys, but we manage to push through a peace plan and the whole demon world's gonna know we got game.
FRED
That makes sense, in a kind of gray, Machiavellian kind of way.
ANGEL
Obviously, both clans are sensitive to the smallest slight. We don't dot an "i" or cross a "t," this whole thing could explode in our faces.
WESLEY
(reading through a document)
This is a complete list of manners and customs. We should probably all memorize this. Apparently, gazing at a Vinji's ankles can lead to eye gouging.
Dan, the young man from the break room, walks up to the conference room door. Lorne notices him and waves him in.
LORNE
Come on. Dandito, come on. He gets a wee shy around the big boss. All the way in, yeah.
DAN
I, uh, finished the seating chart.
(hands Lorne a small presentation board)
LORNE
(looks over the seating chart)
All right. This kid was up all night jigsawing who's going where tomorrow. He's a real up-and-comer, this one.
FRED
(to Angel) My lab managed that upgrade to the weapons scanner like you requested.
ANGEL
Foolproof?
FRED
I'd say yes, but then some fool would just come along and sneak something past us, but it's still state of the art.
GUNN
And since none of the clan representatives speak English, I'll be doing most of the talking.
WESLEY
You?
GUNN
Yeah. Along with the law - and the Gilbert and Sullivan - also got me a few demon languages in the brain upload.
FRED
So, aside from forks, ankles, and us not knowing what they're saying, any other potential minefields?
ANGEL
All their etiquette issues go along with a healthy dose of superstition.
HARMONY
(excited, she finally pipes up)
You don't know the half of it. I've been doing a whole bunch of research on these guys, their customs and stuff? Did you know that they think poodles are wicked bad luck?
WESLEY
Harmony, I'm glad you're here.
(Harmony smiles, a touch proud)
We'll be needing lunch.
Harmony looks deflated.
GUNN
Good idea. We should order before the crush.
FRED
Not Thai again. Something lighter.
Cut to:
12 INT. BREAK ROOM AT WOLFRAM & HART - DAY
Harmony's in the break room for lunch, sipping from her pink travel mug. She's listening to the two girls she'd tried to befriend earlier talk to each other.
OFFICE GIRL #1
Burkle's always giving Mr. Gunn the eye. Heard they used to be a thing.
OFFICE GIRL #2
I don't know. Alice said she and that Knox guy are pretty friendly.
OFFICE GIRL #1
Maybe she's sleeping with both of 'em!
OFFICE GIRL #2
That's what I'd do.
(giggles)
HARMONY
Don't forget about Wesley. I get the vibe that he's, like, totally crushing over Fred.
OFFICE GIRL #1
(scoffs)
Mr. Wyndam-Pryce? Everyone knows he's-
(gasps upon seeing Dan walk up with a huge basket full of food)
Muffins!
DAN
(sets down the basket at the end of the table, placing it between the group and Harmony)
They're from Lorne. Actually from Shaq, but Lorne's declared his office a carb-free zone.
OFFICE GIRL #2
He's totally grooming you.
DAN
You think? He does call me "Dan the man."
HARMONY
Angel grooms me, too.
OFFICE GIRL #2
(whispers to her friend) Explains the haircut.
HARMONY
I'm his right arm. He's taking me places.
(her cell phone rings)
We're so connected.
(to phone) Yeah, boss.
ANGEL (O.S.)
(on the cell phone) Harmony, get the hell down here. Now! Why can't you do anything right?
HARMONY
(smiles, as not to let the others know he was mad at her)
Uh, sure. No, no trouble at all. That's what I'm here for. Bye.
(hangs up the phone, stands, and walks out)
Cut to:
13 INT. LOBBY OF WOLFRAM & HART - DAY
Angel's standing in the middle of the lobby, frowning, with his hands on his hips, waiting for Harmony.
ANGEL
Harmony! Do you wanna explain this?
HARMONY
OK, this is totally my fault. I specifically told the caterers the delivery was for tomorrow,
(pan over to show a huge camel standing in the middle of the lobby)
but I should've called to confirm. You know caterers: not the best listeners.
(elevator dings, Fred walks out, reading papers)
FRED
(startled by the camel)
Ohh!
ANGEL
Harmony, uh, got us a camel.
HARMONY
Like I said, I did a lot of research. Camel meat's a delicacy, so I thought it would be a great way to kick off the summit, 'cause of the clans being so uptight. Like... comfort food.
ANGEL
Comfort food.
HARMONY
Uh-huh! And as host, you get the honor of slicing off its hump and sticking a hot poker through its heart. And then the demon leaders rip apart its carcass with their bare hands.
(smiles, nods)
ANGEL
(Chuckles)
Are you? I don't even know h-how...
FRED
Maybe the camel was the wrong way to go.
ANGEL
Harmony, you are supposed to answer the phones, make appointments, and anticipate my needs, which does not include a petting zoo in my lobby.
HARMONY
OK, but... caterer said no returns.
(camel snorts)
ANGEL
Get it out of here!
FRED
Maybe you could go with a nice cheese platter?
(Harmony starts crying)
Or chips and dip. Chips and dip would be fine.
HARMONY
I did everything right! This is what they eat!
FRED
Angel's just feeling a little off, and he-he's not in the mood to, you know, butcher a camel.
HARMONY
(crying)
No! He hates me!
FRED
No! He'll get over it.
HARMONY
Everybody hates me.
FRED
I don't hate you. I-I mean, it's just I-I don't know you that well and-
HARMONY
(stops sniffling and smiles at Fred)
What are you doing after work?
Fred looks stuck, grimaces, and says nothing. The camel groans.
Cut to:
14 INT. BAR - NIGHT
Harmony and Fred are sitting at a table talking over drinks at an upscale bar.
HARMONY
...and the worst part is, I can't even quit, 'cause I don't have anywhere else to go.
FRED
I'm sure that's not... Really?
HARMONY
I tried being out on my own, all independent and evil. I'm just no good at it.
FRED
But, I mean, isn't that a good thing?
HARMONY
Not like everything's so great now. You heard Angel. I'm useless.
FRED
Harmony, it was one mistake. And you can't take everything Angel says so personally. He-he has a lot on his mind.
HARMONY
(sighs)
I just wish I were more like you. You know, except for the part about being all into science... and not having a lot upfront. I mean, you have 2 hot guys after you.
FRED
I do?
HARMONY
All the girls, they think it's Knox and Gunn. Course, I know it's Knox and Wesley, not that they listen. It is Knox and Wes, right?
FRED
Yeah...I mean, no.
(laughs)
I-I don't know. I-we all work together, and there's a lot of baggage, and... Why am I telling you this?
HARMONY
Because we're totally bonding! We're like gal pals! This is awesome! You can teach me about life, and I can teach you how to dress better.
FRED
Um...
(chuckles)
They are both kind of hot, aren't they? Knox and Wes? I... Wait, why is everyone at the office so interested in who I might be dating?
HARMONY
Because you're at the top. People wanna know what's happening with the bigwigs. You'd think they'd ask me, but...
FRED
Why don't they? Harmony, do you...Do you not have many friends at work?
HARMONY
I just...I don't get it. I used to be way popular in high school.
(sighs)
Just since I got vamped at my graduation, I've had trouble connecting with people.
FRED
Well, maybe you should... you know, put yourself out there more. I mean, lots of Wolfram & Hart people hang out right here. You should mingle.
Harmony looks around the bar and notices several of the girls and guys from the break room are at the bar too.
HARMONY
They're all straight. Non-vamps. I gravitate more towards the undead variety.
FRED
Well, there's your problem. The undead, they're not exactly givers. I'm sure there are tons of straight guys who would love to get to know you.
HARMONY
Well... there is one at the bar.
(Fred turns to look, but Harmony stops her)
(whispers) Don't! I think he's checking me out.
FRED
(smiles, nods)
You should go talk to him.
HARMONY
Oh, no, I couldn't. I'm hanging with my gal pal. I would never do that to you.
FRED
Oh, don't be silly. I'd be fine if-
HARMONY
OK, bye!
(stands, starts toward the bar, but stops)
Ooh, what do I say?
FRED
Oh, um, just say hi and introduce yourself. I bet he takes it from there.
HARMONY
Right. But what if he doesn't... take it?
FRED
Well, questions are always good. Ask him where he's from and what he does for a living...
HARMONY
Cover the boring stuff.
FRED
Only... maybe act like it's not. Boring.
HARMONY
I can do that.
(starts toward the bar, then turns to wave Fred off)
Well, don't watch me!
(walks up to the man at the bar)
FRED
(to herself) I'll just, um...I'll just...go.
HARMONY
(sits by the man at the bar)
Hi. I'm Harmony.
MAN AT BAR
Well, hi, Harmony. It's nice to meet-
HARMONY
Where are you from?
MAN AT BAR
U-uh, the bay area, originall-
HARMONY
Uh-huh. Interesting. What do you do for a living?
MAN AT BAR
Why don't I get you a drink? You look thirsty.
(Harmony smiles and nods coyly)
Cut to:
15 INT. HARMONY'S APARTMENT - MORNING
Pan across the contents of a dark bedroom, stopping on a cute pink alarm/clock/radio that reads 6:59. When the time changes to 7:00, the alarm beeps and the radio starts playing. A hand reaches over and fumbles with the buttons until the beeping stops. Pan over to show Harmony waking up, holding her hand to her head as if it hurts. She rolls over and finds herself facing the man from the bar. She seems surprised to see him in her bed as she gasps, sits up clutching the bed covers to her topless body, and peeks under the covers to see that she's naked. She hides her face in her hand and grimaces. She sighs, shakes her head, and looks at the man.
HARMONY
Uh... Tim? Trevor? George? Apparently you and I... you know, and I'm sure I rocked your world and all, but... I gotta go to work, so... Hello?
Harmony pushes on the man's shoulder to wake him, but he just rolls over. Zoom in to show two bloody fang marks on his neck.
HARMONY
Oops.
Fade to black.
ACT II:
16 INT. HALLWAY OF HARMONY'S APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING
Harmony peeks out her door to make sure the hallway is empty. She comes out of her apartment carrying a pastel-striped laundry bag with a body in it. She waits by the elevator but hears a dog barking nearby, so she turns toward the garbage chute. Harmony sets down her travel mug and purse and pushes the laundry bag into the garbage chute, but it's a little too large and isn't going in easily. Harmony looks up to see the old woman in a housecoat walking the little dog again. Harmony struggles to get the bag pushed down the chute, and stands in front of the chute as the old woman walks by.
HARMONY
Hi, Mrs. Jacobi.
The dog growls as they pass by Harmony. The woman doesn't acknowledge Harmony, who waves as the woman and dog get into the elevator. After the elevator door closes, Harmony turns back to the chute to shove the laundry bag into it. The bag finally goes into the chute, but the body bounces off the dumpster lid in the basement below and falls onto the pavement. Harmony peers down the chute to see what happened.
HARMONY
Oh, crapola!
Harmony picks up her pink travel mug and purse and takes the stairs down to the basement garage.
Cut to:
17 INT. BASEMENT OF HARMONY'S APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING
Harmony puts down her travel mug and purse and walks toward the pastel-striped laundry bag that failed to fall into the dumpster just as the elevator bell dings, revealing the old woman and her dog inside. Harmony bends down to pick up the bag when another bag full of garbage comes down the chute and fails to fall in the dumpster, instead bouncing off and landing on her. Harmony grimaces and easily picks up her laundry bag, tossing it lightly into the dumpster right as the old woman passes by. Harmony stands and smiles at the woman.
HARMONY
Have a nice day, Mrs. Jacobi.
The dog growls as they walk by Harmony. Harmony turns and empties the bag of garbage that fell on her back into the dumpster to cover her laundry bag.
Cut to:
18 INT. LOBBY OF WOLFRAM & HART - DAY
The elevator doors open onto the lobby of Wolfram and Hart, but Harmony is afraid to step out of the elevator. She peers cautiously around the corner to look at her desk, then nods, psyching herself up.
HARMONY
OK... just act normal.
(steps off the elevator, passes another employee, and laughs)
Hi! How's it hangin'? Love the pocket square.
Harmony settles into her desk quicker than usual. She notices Rudy, the lab technician, testing people in the lobby nearby. Harmony sinks low in her desk chair, hiding from him when Angel walks up.
ANGEL
Blood?
HARMONY
(looking at her clothes)
Where?!
ANGEL
That's what I'd like to know. Where's my blood? Harmony, I got the demon summit today, and you're late, and...
(notices her peering up over her desktop)
What are you doing?
HARMONY
Desk crunches. "Get fit while you sit." You should see my abs. You wanna? Mug o' blood, coming right up, boss.
(stands, grabs his white mug)
ANGEL
Harmony...
HARMONY
Huh?
ANGEL
I can't afford to have anything go wrong today.
HARMONY
What could go wrong?
(whimpers)
Cut to:
19 INT. BREAK ROOM AT WOLFRAM & HART - DAY
Harmony opens the microwave, interrupting the cooking of something in a blue bowl. She takes the blue bowl out and puts the white mug in, presses the buttons to heat up its contents, and starts talking to herself.
HARMONY
OK... I remember the talking. "Hi, I'm Harmony." "You look thirsty." "Well, why don't I drink a couple quarts of your blood, then, Tom...Terry..." Uhh!
(leans on the microwave)
Drinking. That's my problem. Too much drinking. I don't even remember taking him home. Damn lemon drops. I never should have- Fred! She made me talk to him! She's responsible for...
DAN
You did it again!
HARMONY
(panicked)
It's not my fault!
DAN
What?
HARMONY
Uh...
(microwave beeps, she takes the mug of blood out of the microwave)
You can't blame me because Angel gets grumpy when he's hungry.
Harmony takes the thermos covered in shiny unicorn stickers out of the refrigerator and starts drinking from it directly. Suddenly, she can't get enough... she's guzzling. Then she notices that the rest of the people in the break room are staring at her.
HARMONY
Oh...
(laughs)
Stress eating. Angel's all... about the summit, and, you know, I'm his right arm, so, the stress, and... the...
(turns away and guzzles some more)
(cell phone rings, she puts down the thermos and answers it)
Hi, boss. Uh, there was a line at the microwave? I'm coming!
Cut to:
20 INT. LOBBY OF WOLFRAM & HART - DAY
Harmony's back at her desk, talking on the phone, checking off items on the list in front of her. The list reads as follows:
To Do:
Big Demon Summit:
__Remind Security of Summit
x Arrange Transportation
x Return Camel
x Confirm Catering
HARMONY
That's right. Chips and dip. I know. I told him. He just... wildebeest. Really?
(ponders a moment, then shakes head)
No, we better just stick with the chip-dip thing. Thanks.
(hangs up phone)
OK. It's all peachy. Just get through the day and I'm home...
(stares at a woman's neck as she walks by, listening to her heart beating)
Ohh...
(telephone rings)
Angel's office. One moment, please.
(buzzes intercom)
ANGEL (O.S.)
Yeah?
HARMONY
There's a Detective Griffin for you.
ANGEL (O.S.)
Put him through.
Harmony presses buttons on the phone but doesn't hang up.
ANGEL
This is Angel.
(watching Harmony listen in)
MAN
Yeah, this is Dave Griffin, L.A.P.D. Thought you'd wanna know, we found a body this morning. Vampire attack. Looks like he was -
ANGEL
(to phone) Hold on.
(yells) Harmony? I got it!
HARMONY
Oh.
(laughs)
Right. Sorry.
(hangs up)
(peers over into Angel's office as he hangs up the phone)
Oh, God.
(Angel dials the phone again, and is off quickly)
Oh, God!
(Gunn and Wesley walk to Angel's office with determination)
(Harmony panics and waves her hands nervously)
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God!
GUNN
Do you know what this is about?
WESLEY
Perhaps one of the Vinjis set down a teacup improperly.
ANGEL
(steps outside his office, standing in front of his door)
Worse. Just got off the phone with the L.A.P.D. They found a body.
HARMONY
(from her desk)
Where? Did he say where?
ANGEL
City dump, wrapped in a laundry bag.
WESLEY
And the police called you because...
ANGEL
Apparently, we own them.
GUNN
Right. Makes sense.
WESLEY
Of course.
ANGEL
Well, that, and they found my card on the victim. It was the liaison between the feuding clans.
GUNN
Toby Dupree?
HARMONY
Toby! That was his...
(notices the others turn their attention to her)
...name. Really? Huh. You don't hear unusual names like that anymore.
ANGEL
We're gonna have to do some serious damage control.
GUNN
You think? Demon rights activist gets munched by a vamp on our watch?
HARMONY
(to herself) He told me he was an astronaut.
WESLEY
No telling how the clans are gonna take this. Superstitious as they are, they may see it as an omen or...
HARMONY
So, this cop? He doesn't have any actual real info, right?
WESLEY
It is possible that someone's trying to send a message, derail the summit.
HARMONY
Ooh! Yeah! That must be it! The derailing thing. That-that makes sense. Right?
Cut to:
21 INT. ANGEL'S OFFICE - DAY
Angel's sitting at his desk having a conference call on the speakerphone while Gunn and Wesley stand by. The demons speak their demon language, and Gunn translates.
GUNN
The Vinji clan is deeply concerned about this turn of events.
WESLEY
(to Angel) Perhaps if you say something.
ANGEL
Oh, no. I'm not ready. Look, just tell them that the summit can proceed as planned, and they shouldn't, you know, start skinning each other.
GUNN
Shta mahkleo. (Clicks tongue) Nohn padmag, vitqui. They're lookin' for vengeance.
SUBTITLE: All is well, oh, powerful one. The summit can proceed.
VINJI LEADER (O.S.)
SUBTITLE: Killer must be found! Killer must be punished!
ANGEL
Tell 'em we're on it.
GUNN
Veel wsh kpwnk. (Clicks tongue)
SUBTITLE: You have our oath.
ANGEL
Veel mahnkshay. (Clicking tongue)
SUBTITLE: Be disemboweled.
VINJI LEADER (O.S.)
SUBTITLE: Filthy man whore! How dare you! You-
GUNN
Uh, uh, han tafka mahnkchne. Baybay porro akei nah paprikay. Komgrat? (Clicks tongue)
SUBTITLE: He meant, be patient! The whore man is a novice in your tongue and makes foolish errors. We make fun of him, yes?
Irritated, Gunn presses the buttons to end the call. Angel sighs heavily.
WESLEY
What happened to you not saying anything?
ANGEL
I got caught up. Obviously a mistake.
HARMONY
Forgive and forget, I say! It's the Golden Rule.
GUNN
These guys are not gonna forgive, and they're definitely not gonna forget until we figure out-
ANGEL
Who killed Dupree. I know. Fred'll be able to tell us some more soon. Dupree's body should be in the lab by now.
HARMONY
Lab? Our lab?
(turns and exits quickly)
GUNN
That was fast.
ANGEL
Shouldn't take long to track down the vampire who did this, set things right.
Cut to:
22 INT. SCIENCE LAB - DAY
Fred is speaking into a recording device as she examines the man's body on the lab table.
FRED
...significant postmortem battering. Suggests prior relationship with the victim. Consulting coroner puts time of death at approximately 1:30 A.M., Which-
(Harmony walks up to Fred, startling her as she examines the body)
Harmony.
HARMONY
Hi! I just thought I'd pop in to see-
FRED
Angel sent you, didn't he?
HARMONY
Angel?
FRED
He's all antsy about the demon summit, so he sent you here to rush me, only he doesn't wanna seem like he sent you here to rush me, so he told you to act all... like that.
HARMONY
Oh! Yeah! Totally.
(laughs)
You know our Angel. So... what do you know? Do-do you know who did it?
FRED
The body's only been here 20 minutes.
HARMONY
Uh-huh. And don't you think it's possible that whoever did it could have blacked out and doesn't even remember doing it, so it's totally not their fault?
FRED
(shrugs)
I...I guess. Oh, hey, last night was actually... I mean, I really had...kind of a nice time.
HARMONY
Huh? Oh, yeah. Me, too.
FRED
(to her recorder) Bite marks are 17 millimeters apart, 6 millimeters deep, on the right side of the neck.
HARMONY
Well, that doesn't sound like much to go on.
FRED
(to her recorder) The size and depth of the wound indicate a female vampire.
HARMONY
Or gay!
FRED
Um...it doesn't really work like that. Anyway, if you want to hang out again sometime, we could grab some wine, jam to the Dixie Chicks.
HARMONY
Oh, gee, you know, my schedule's kind of packed right-
FRED
(looking closely at the body)
Hey!
HARMONY
What?
FRED
Something you want to tell me?
HARMONY
Tell...what?
FRED
The guy at the bar.
(stands, giggles)
I want to hear all about it.
HARMONY
Oh! That. Uh...well... loser...
(scoffs)
Big! Told me he was an astronaut.
FRED
Like anyone would believe that!
HARMONY
I know! Well, I'd better...
(exits)
Cut to:
23 INT. HALLWAY IN WOLFRAM & HART - DAY
Harmony walks down the hallway, wringing her hands, talking to herself.
HARMONY
OK, that's it. I gotta get out of here, leave the country. Maybe Mexico. Yeah, I like Mexico. Or Cancun, I hear that's...
(stops talking to herself a moment while someone passes by, then begins again)
anyway, I'll... I'll start over, change my name. Harmonita, that's kind of pre-
(stops, has an epiphany)
Bitten on the right. He was bitten on the right!
(jumping up and down with joy, Harmony reaches out to kiss the nearest person, which happens to be Rudy, the lab technician)
Oh, my God! I didn't do it!
(kisses Rudy, who pricks her finger with his needle)
Ouch!
RUDY
You sound just like my 6-year-old. He's always sayin' that...
Rudy's display beeps and flashes the red letters: "POSITIVE. Transmitting results." Harmony grabs it to read what it says. Rudy stares at her in disbelief. She shrugs and giggles, then punches him, knocking him out, and catches him in her arms.
Fade to black.
ACT III:
24 INT. HALLWAY IN WOLFRAM & HART - DAY
Harmony opens a utility closet door, and shoves the unconscious body of Rudy into the closet. She shuts the door on him and walks off down the hall, checking that her hair is still in place. Lorne starts walking down the hall toward her, and she turns around to walk away from him.
LORNE
(to cell phone) No, no. Yeah, well, I'm talkin' first-degree murder. Yeah, mine, if these demons find out we're short 4 gift bags. Hey, Lorraine, you're a lifesaver.
(hangs up)
Harmonica, Harmonica, hey, hey. You seen Danny around? I need him to-
HARMONY
Oh, no. So, just curious, you know those random blood tests? Where do they go?
LORNE
Well, the results get automatically transmitted down to the lab, I think. And then, uh, they-
(Lorne hears Rudy moaning from the closet)
Did you just hear that?
HARMONY
(shakes her head)
Hear what?
(shrugs)
Cut to:
25 INT. HALLWAY IN WOLFRAM & HART - DAY
Harmony pushes the unconscious body of Lorne into the utility closet with Rudy. She closes the door labeled "Maintenance Only", checks that the hallway is clear, then walks away.
Cut to:
26 INT. SCIENCE LAB - DAY
Harmony walks up to Fred, startling her as she's reading a printout.
FRED
Harmony!
(backs away)
HARMONY
I can explain!
FRED
(takes off her reading glasses and tries to get past Harmony)
You don't have to explain anything. I just have to get something out of my... I left my autoclave on.
HARMONY
It's not what you think!
FRED
OK, so your test came back positive. You slipped, had some human blood. Maybe it was consensual, or...
HARMONY
There was nothing! I mean, I think there was something... I don't remember exactly. I think somebody must have drugged me. I was at the bar, and then I woke up, and he was there.
FRED
Wait. He?
HARMONY
He.
(points to the body on the lab table)
Him! The guy you made me talk to!
FRED
Oh, God.
(looks at the body)
He's him?
HARMONY
I didn't kill him! I'm innocent! See, 'cause you said he was bitten on the right. I'm a right-biter.
FRED
Uh...
HARMONY
Look.
(grabs Fred's shoulders and feigns biting her)
FRED
(disgusted, recoils)
Aah!
HARMONY
See? Right-biter.
(grabs Fred to feign biting her again)
FRED
(pushes Harmony away)
Harmony, stop!
HARMONY
I lean right, which means I bite you on your...
FRED
Left. I get it. Left.
HARMONY
Right! I mean, correct. And since he was bitten on his right, he had to have been bitten by a left-biter, ergo, not me!
FRED
OK, that's a very convincing argument, Harmony, except your blood test came back positive.
HARMONY
Yeah, I know, but that's...it couldn't! It's a mistake, or... I drank it accidentally, or...
(gasps)
Somebody spiked my thermos.
FRED
Why would anyone...?
(inches toward the phone)
HARMONY
I don't know. Because - the summit! Someone wants to ruin it, or-
(notices Fred's right by the phone)
What are you doing?
FRED
(picks up the phone)
I want to believe you, Harmony. I do. I think if we just call and explain what happened to Angel, it-
HARMONY
(presses the phone toggle, effectively hanging up the line)
No! Zero tolerance policy, remember?
FRED
He can help.
HARMONY
He's not a helper. He's a chopper. He'll cut my head off before I get 2 words-
FRED
He won't!
HARMONY
(desperately)
I'm not a killer!
(Fred looks at her, disbelieving)
Well, I am, but I've been clean for 8 months... except for today, but that is different because it's not me!
FRED
Angel will listen, I promise. He'll want to hear what you have to say, and he'll understand. Don't worry. Everything will be fine. OK?
(dials the phone)
Harmony stares as Fred dials.
Cut to:
27 INT. HALLWAY IN WOLFRAM & HART - DAY
Harmony pushes Fred's unconscious body into the hall utility closet. Fred starts to come to, and Harmony puts duct tape over Fred's mouth, muffling Fred's cries. Fred is lying on top of a pile of people (Lorne and Rudy) who have their mouths and hands duct-taped. Harmony steps back to address them.
HARMONY
I'm totally sorry I have to do this, and you guys are being super understanding. It's just till I clear my name. I so owe you guys dinner.
Harmony closes the closet door and walks back down the hall talking to herself.
HARMONY
OK, OK, OK. So...I'm being set up. Somebody put blood in my blood. Human blood in my thermos. So, fingerprints. Right. Gotta get my thermos.
Cut to:
28 INT. LOBBY OF WOLFRAM & HART - DAY
The demon tribal leaders are talking to Angel and Gunn in the lobby. Harmony hides around the corner, hoping to avoid their notice.
VINJI LEADER
(Screeching)
SUBTITLE: Dupree's murderer still walks free.
ANGEL
What?
VINJI LEADER
(Speaking demonic language)
SUBTITLE: This gathering is cursed.
ANGEL
What is she saying?
GUNN
That want to walk.
Gy men khijin mogor. (Click)
SUBTITLE: We'll make it right.
GUNN
I told her...
ANGEL
I got the general idea. What do they want?
VINJI LEADER
(Click click, screech)
SUBTITLE: If you cannot offer the blood of the killer, one of your own must die.
GUNN
That ain't good.
VINJI LEADER
Aah!
ANGEL
What?
GUNN
Seems it's bad luck to get things going before we cough up a little eye for an eye. Seeing as though we don't have the actual bad guy, they're willing to accept a substitute.
ANGEL
They want a blood sacrifice? Harmony!
HARMONY
(pops out from behind the corner)
A person makes one little mistake...
ANGEL
Find Fred. I want to know what she got off the body.
HARMONY
(gulps)
Fred?
(nods)
Right. I'm on it.
(walks across the lobby)
Cut to:
29 INT. BREAK ROOM AT WOLFRAM & HART - DAY
Harmony walks into the break room while Dan is reaching into the refrigerator for the stainless steel thermos covered in unicorn stickers.
HARMONY
Aha!
(Dan turns to face her, holding the thermos)
The smoking thermos!
DAN
What?
HARMONY
Trying to get rid of the evidence?
DAN
What evidence? I was just tryin' to get to Lorne's protein snack.
HARMONY
Ha! You expect me to believe that? Go on. Admit it!
DAN
Admit what?
HARMONY
(yelling)
That you stole my thermos and filled it with human blood!
DAN
Human...what?!
HARMONY
(pushes Dan against the refrigerator)
It is so totally obvious you hate me!
(screaming)
You've probably been watching me sweat all day, laughing!
DAN
Hate you? I don't care about you enough to hate-
OFFICE GIRL #1
(steps up to Harmony)
Hey, leave him alone!
HARMONY
(vamps out, turns to the girl)
Mind your own business!
(everyone scurries to leave the break room)
(to Dan) You murdered that guy and put him in my bed!
DAN
Murdered?!
(crying)
Oh, God!
HARMONY
(clasps her hands around his throat)
You did this to me, and now you're gonna confess!
DAN
I'm-I'm-I'm sorry! I didn't - what guy? Please, I swear. Don't kill me!
Someone breaks a glass container on Dan's head, knocking him out.
HARMONY
What the...?
(turns to see Tamika standing there, un-vamps her face)
What'd you do that for?
TAMIKA
To make it look like you did.
HARMONY
Why would you want to- Hey! It was you!
(beat)
Who are you?
Fade to black.
ACT IV:
30 INT. BREAK ROOM AT WOLFRAM & HART - DAY
Tamika stalks ever closer to Harmony, who's backing up slowly.
TAMIKA
You don't remember? Think steno pool.
(Harmony shrugs)
I sat next to you.
HARMONY
(stands behind a table)
Sambuca.
TAMIKA
(hits the table)
Tamika!
HARMONY
Right!
TAMIKA
Well, you were only there for, what was it? 5 weeks?
HARMONY
More like 4 1/2.
TAMIKA
I have been there for 5 years! I type 80 words a minute. I have an exceptionally pleasant phone voice. But you're the one who sits at the best desk in the building. You're the one in the in-crowd.
HARMONY
(chuckles)
You think I'm in the in-crowd?
TAMIKA
Oh, I see you in all the important meetings. You're on the fast track. Well, that's all about to change. I have witnesses who saw you attack Danny, and when Mr. Angel hears that I saved him, you job will be mine by the end of the day.
Tamika kicks the table toward Harmony, who leaps into the air to avoid it as it shatters against the wall. Harmony vamps out.
HARMONY
You're forgetting one thing. Kinda have the advantage.
TAMIKA
(vamps out)
Kinda not.
HARMONY
Oh.
(Tamika throws the first punch, and fighting ensues)
I should've smelled you!
TAMIKA
You would've if you wore less of that tacky perfume!
The girls continue fighting with punches and kicks.
HARMONY
Chanel's not tacky!
(charges at Tamika)
TAMIKA
(grabs Harmony by the throat and pushes her back against the wall)
Saw you at that bar and I said to myself, "this is it, Tamika. This is your chance." So I slipped a roofie in your drink while you were busy slutting it up. Then I followed you back to your place with that guy and waited till you passed out, and then broke in, had myself a little snack.
HARMONY
That is just... ugh! I am so gonna kick your ass!
TAMIKA
(grabs a set of chopsticks from the countertop and rears back with them)
Dust can't kick!
Harmony kicks Tamika in the chest, sending her across the room. Harmony goes after her, but Tamika trips her, sending Harmony to the floor. Harmony sees another pair of chopsticks on the floor, unwraps them, and crawls toward Tamika, who kicks Harmony across the room. Both girls get to their feet, holding chopsticks in front of them like swords. Harmony splits her chopsticks, holding one in each hand now. Tamika follows suit. Tamika gets into a martial arts pose, as does Harmony. They fight with fists and kicks, trying to stake each other with the chopsticks. Harmony and Tamika get close to staking one another, but each blocks the other's motion, causing an impasse.
HARMONY
You're gonna tell Angel the truth!
TAMIKA
You want to know the first thing I'm gonna do when I get your desk? Smash all of those stupid, ugly-ass unicorns!
Cut to:
31 INT. HALLWAY IN WOLFRAM & HART - DAY
The girls take the fight out into the hallway with a loud crash. Harmony has Tamika in a headlock and is pulling her hair.
TAMIKA
Unh!
HARMONY
And then you're gonna tell Angel how you stole my thermos and filled it with human blood! And how you tricked me -
(Tamika steps hard on Harmony's toe, causing Harmony to lose her grip on Tamika)
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
(hops around holding her foot)
TAMIKA
My lips? Sealed. The key? Lost it!
Tamika starts kicking Harmony.
Cut to:
32 INT. ANGEL'S CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
A noise that sounds like women screeching is heard in the conference room. It's unclear whether or not it's Harmony and Tamika fighting or if it's the demon language. Focus on the demon clans meeting in the conference room. Speaking in their language, the demons are hissing and clicking angrily at each other. They are speaking with their hands outstretched in clawing motions, their hissing and growling sounds and their body language are getting progressively more aggressive. Angel and Gunn look on as the demon leaders hiss, growl, screech, and click at one another.
ANGEL
Funny how that wasn't on the tape.
GUNN
They're still demanding a-
VINJI LEADER
SUBTITLE: Whore man has failed!
SAHRVIN LEADER
SUBTITLE: We demand a sacrifice!
Suddenly, Harmony and Tamika crash through the glass wall of the conference room near the head of the table. Harmony picks Tamika up off the floor, throws her onto the table, rears back, and stakes her with a chopstick. Tamika vanishes into a cloud of dust. The demon leaders look at Harmony.
HARMONY
(to Angel) I didn't mean to do that yet.
The demon leaders look at one another, calmer now.
VINJI LEADER
Quid uab an. Tacha (Click click).
SUBTITLE: Works for me.
SAHRVIN LEADER
(nods)
Kye glau mmm.
SUBTITLE: I'm good.
The demon leaders sit down, smiling, and look at Angel.
HARMONY
(in human face now, still holding the chopsticks)
I...can explain?
The demons all turn to face Angel, who crosses his arms disapprovingly.
Cut to:
33 INT. ANGEL'S OFFICE - NIGHT
Fred, Rudy, and Lorne are sitting in Angel's office holding ice packs to their heads.
ANGEL
You should have just come to me.
Harmony hangs her head.
FRED
Gee, I wish I would have thought of telling her that.
HARMONY
I'm really, really sorry, you guys. I totally wouldn't have hit you over he head and put you in the closet if I didn't have a really good reason. It's just... I was scared, and...
(sighs)
(to Angel) I know you never wanted me as your assistant, and... OK, I made some bad choices. I mean, it's not like I have a soul. I have to try a lot harder.
Gunn walks out of the conference room, closing the door behind him.
WESLEY
How's it going in there?
GUNN
Well, so far, no heads are rolling. How 'bout in here?
FRED
Harmony could've handled it better, but she didn't kill anyone.
RUDY
(sighs)
You'll be clean in 2 days, but I'll be watchin' you.
HARMONY
I know. He won't have to be watching 'cause... I'll just pack up my desk.
(turns to leave)
ANGEL
Harmony?
(turns back to Angel)
Just bring us some coffee.
Harmony walks out, frowning.
Cut to:
34 INT. BAR - NIGHT
Harmony is back at the bar where she and Fred went, only this time she's there by herself, sitting at the bar, talking to the bartender.
HARMONY
So I save the summit by killing the skank who tried to frame me, and all I get is, "get me some coffee." You believe that?
(shakes her head, then sits up smiling)
Oh, hey, can I get another, but with one of those little umbrellas?
BARTENDER
We're out.
HARMONY
Right. Figures.
SPIKE
(walks up to Harmony)
Yeah, life's an ever-lovin' bitch, isn't it?
HARMONY
What are you doing here?
SPIKE
At the moment, hearing a bit of your story of woe.
(sits at the bar beside Harmony)
HARMONY
But...what happened to Europe? Aren't you supposed to be slayer-chasing or something?
SPIKE
I was on my way. Had a boat ticket and all. Then I put a little thinking into it. A man can't go out in a bloody blaze of glory, savin' the world, and then show up 3 months later, tumbling off a cruise ship in the south of France. I mean, I'd love to, don't get me wrong, but, uh, it's hard to top an exit like that.
HARMONY
(rolls her eyes)
Come on. Girls don't care about stuff like that. Just one look at you, and she'll forget herself, and she'll get all tingly, and it won't matter how horribly you treated her in the past and how you took her for granted, and...
SPIKE
I never took her for gr... Oh. I expect Buffy would be happy enough to see me. It's just, I gave up my life for her, the world, and if I show up now, flesh and bone, my grand finale won't hold much weight. All of it... won't matter.
HARMONY
Yeah, not mattering.
(sighs)
I know that feeling well.
SPIKE
Oh, come on, Harm, you matter to someone.
HARMONY
(looks at Spike)
I do?
SPIKE
Yeah. Girl tried to frame you, didn't she? Must have mattered to her. Everybody's talking about it.
HARMONY
You're right. That girl hated me. She wanted me dead. I matter.
Spike nods and holds up his drink in a toasting motion. Harmony sips her drink and nods, smiling.
Fade to black.