Life of the Party Transcript
Angel the Series
5x05 Episode #93 "Life of the Party"
Written by Ben Edlund
Directed by Bill Norton
Originally aired October 29, 2003
PROLOGUE:
1 INT. LOBBY - DAY
Close-up on Lorne's feet as he walks down the hallway talking on his cell phone. Lorne's wearing silver alligator boots and a blue suit. To his right side is another man holding another cell phone and a notepad.
LORNE
It'll be fabulous. Believe me, Jerry. Yes. It's Grapes of Wrath in outer space. Uh-huh. Oh, it's got heart. Yes, it's got laser battles.
(takes off his sunglasses)
It's got a timely message of interstellar poverty. Uh-huh. Listen, have your assistant call my assistant. We'll set something up. Good enough.
(Chuckles)
(hangs up the cell phone and tosses it to his assistant)
(talks to the other cell phone his assistant was holding)
J.C., Listen, just got off the Nextel with big "B." Yeah, intrigued, but wants to know who's playin' Tom Joad. Uh-huh. Well, I'm pretty sure that Henry Fonda's dead, sweetie. Yeah. Bring him back to life? Let me talk to my science people. OK, no promises.
(hangs up)
(to his assistant) Directors.
(walks up to Harmony's desk in the lobby)
Harmonica!
HARMONY
(smiles, clasps his hands)
Lorney-tunes!
Harmony is incredibly overdressed for a receptionist. She's wearing a pink sequined sleeveless dress. Her hair is done professionally.
LORNE
Ohh, the eyes, the hair, the dress. It's no wonder the fourth floor has a crush on you. Hey, tell me, priceless, where do I find Angel?
HARMONY
Just called. He's on his way back in from a field mission, though I wouldn't, if I were you. He sounds like he's in a mood.
LORNE
(Chuckles)
Oh, don't worry, darlin'. I've pulled the big boy out of many a brood-fest. It shouldn't be that--
(Lorne turns to see Angel walk into the lobby covered in slime)
Eww.
WESLEY
(walks up to Angel)
Angel, how did the new neural-intercept grenade work?
ANGEL
It didn't.
(hands the grenade to Wes, sighs)
WESLEY
Right. I'll take it down to Fred and have her look at it.
LORNE
Hey, Angel-heart--
(calls after Wes, who's walking away)
Hey, Wes, if you see Fred, can you have her pencil me in for later? I gotta talk to her about Henry Fonda's big comeback.
WESLEY
All right.
LORNE
(follows Angel, who's walking steadily away toward his office)
Angel, Angel. We've gotta have a confab. Es muy importante--
ANGEL
Uh, or wha--
LORNE
Uh, it's about the party? I've done all I can do for the big to-do, but we've still got a few bugs to comb out of the cootie garage.
(Angel frowns and starts to close his door)
A bridge too far? Uh, let me try it again. Uh--
ANGEL
Look, Lorne, I've been out all night, OK? I'm beat up, I'm exhausted, I'm covered head to toe in Thraxis blood, which actually kind of burns, so this is all gonna have to wait until I take a shower.
(starts to shut the door)
LORNE
You killed the Thraxis?
ANGEL
Shower.
(shuts the door in Lorne's face)
LORNE
(to his assistant) Hey, Van, look, why don't we, uh, scratch the Thraxis off the invite list, and, uh...oh, hey, you got a copy of that print ad we're gonna run this week?
VAN
Yes. Right.
(takes out a piece of paper from his files)
LORNE
(reading the paper)
What is this? "Wolfram & Hart wants to be up your alley"? Sounds like a bus station pick-up line. Change it. Second thought, burn it. Grab yourself a bagel or something, too. You look a little waxy.
Cut to:
2 INT. LORNE'S OFFICE - DAY
Lorne steps into his office and shuts the door behind him. He breathes deeply and collapses into the chair at his mirrored vanity make-up table. He rests his elbow on the vanity, rubbing his temples and moaning. Suddenly, his reflection in the mirror turns to look at him, concerned, and begins to speak.
LORNE'S REFLECTION
Ooh, ouch. That's an adult-sized bang-a-roo. Hello?
(Lorne groans)
Oh, Mr. Smiles.
(Lorne groans)
Oh, come on, you can't ignore me forever. Oh, well, fine. Looks like you're gonna have to slap a band-aid on that melon, draw a grin on that bewitching green mug, and go right back out there. On the count of 9, sunshine. 1...2...3...
(Lorne glares at his reflection)
The show stops for no demon, Lorne. 4...5...
(Lorne winces)
They're all waiting for you. 6...7... They're counting on you. 8...comin'up on 9. They're gonna eat you up with a spoon because you're so scrumptious!
LORNE
(screams)
Shut up!
(bashes the mirror with a wine bottle)
(Groans, stands, faces the door)
LORNE'S REFLECTION
(singing a slow ballad)
Don't, don't leave me this way
I can't exist
I'll surely miss
your tender kiss
so don't leave me this way
ohhhh...
A very stressed Lorne walks out the door.
Cut to:
3 INT. HALLWAY- DAY
When Lorne appears in the hallway, he's all smiles and energy again, talking on his cell phone, transitioning his reflection's song into an upbeat pop song.
LORNE
(singing)
Ohhh, baby! Oh, my heart is full of love and desire for you!
Fade to black.
Opening credits.
ACT I:
4 INT. ANGEL'S APARTMENT - DAY
A shower is running as someone enters Angel's office. The doorless shower provides a direct view of the office. Angel turns off the shower and grabs a towel when he notices Eve sitting on his bed watching him.
EVE
Hi. Uh, the door was open. Well, unlocked.
(a naked Angel walks toward her frowning; Eve smiles)
Well... I had a key.
(Angel holds out his hand; Eve gives him the key, which he throws on the table)
So, uh, wow. You take a long shower for a guy.
(Angel wraps a towel around his waist)
Were we having some gentlemen's time?
ANGEL
Gentlemen's?
EVE
I mean, I understand. You're running the whole circus now, a lot of pressure, especially with your hands-on policy. No pun intended. I'm sure you could use a release.
ANGEL
No releasing, just bathing. That's what one does after bashing open a demonic pinata full of rancid Tabasco. What do you want, Eve?
EVE
You stood me up. We had a 7:30, Angel, a meeting.
ANGEL
Oh. Right. Uh... I'll get my pants.
Cut to:
5 INT. ELEVATOR - DAY
A fully-clothed Angel and Eve, her arms crossed, walk onto the elevator.
EVE
So, how's it going, Angel?
ANGEL
Oh...
(Exhales)
I don't know how to answer that question. I�I don't know. Good. Bad.
(Sighs)
Look, I spent years doing everything I could to bring this company down. Now I'm the CEO, and I have to question every move I make because any one of them could be exactly what the senior partners want, so, no, I have no idea how it's going.
(crosses his arms)
EVE
Hey, at least you can still get your nocturnal jollies saving the downtrodden from things that go bump in the night.
ANGEL
Well, you said it yourself. Everyone needs a release.
EVE
No. I said you need a release. Not everyone bottles all this stuff up like you.
ANGEL
I don't bottle.
EVE
You bottle.
ANGEL
(in her face)
I don't bottle.
Cut to:
6 INT. LOBBY - DAY
When the elevator door opens, a huge skull is there in the doorway. Angel reflexively punches it, and the man holding the foam skull falls down to the floor, groaning. Angel looks around to see there are many people with similar costumes busily working to decorate the lobby.
ANGEL
OK, why does it look like we're having a party in here?
LORNE
Well, maybe 'cause we're having a party in here. The Wolfram & Hart Halloween Bash? Ring a bell? The biggest event on the company calendar? I sent you a small forest's worth of memos on it.
ANGEL
We're havin' it here?
LORNE
(to Eve) You see what I'm up against?
EVE
That's what our 7:30 was about, Angel. Your party.
ANGEL
My party?
LORNE
Yeah, listen. Here's the snafu in a nutshell, top cat. Uh, nobody's comin'. Well, some people are coming, but the right people, the A-list people, they seem to be giving it a miss, and if they don't show up, this shindig is gonna be a bust.
ANGEL
Good.
LORNE
(Insensed)
Good?!
ANGEL
(casually)
I wasn't too crazy about this thing to begin with. I mean, we are talking about our clients, right? Our evil clients.
(Lorne starts rubbing his head)
Not the sort of folks I really like to show a good time. I'd be a lot happier if the whole thing just kind of fell through. Then we could get back to--
LORNE
(still rubbing his head, laughs out loud)
Ha ha ha! OK! OK! You're killin' me. Can't you just feel up the big picture, Mr. Magoo? It's not about good and evil. It's about party. Party! Capital "P"! Rhymes with "me"?
(yelling now)
About to have a stroke here 'cause you're killin' me!
(calms down)
Listen. I can see that you're in a-a state, a-a mood, a snit even,
(stuffs a huge black silk flower into Angel's arm)
so what say we talk about this once you've... calmed down a bit?
ANGEL
Yeah, sure. That's fine--
LORNE
(walks away)
Great. Your office. 25 minutes.
Cut to:
7 INT. SCIENCE LABORATORY - DAY
Wesley sets the grenade on the lab desk in front of Fred.
FRED
Was Angel mad?
WESLEY
Shouldn't he be? We sent him out there with a defective piece of weaponry.
FRED
(annoyed)
Which "we" are we talking about?
WESLEY
(softly)
Fred, these techno-mystical hybrids are a complicated affair.
KNOX
(bounds up to them, joins the conversation)
Oh, I don't know. It seemed kind of simple to me. It's just a little hand-held, spell-casting robot, right? So it's either the robot or the spell that we have a problem with.
WESLEY
Well, the grenade's core enchantment looks operational, so I think we're talking about a faulty trigger mechanism.
FRED
No, wait a minute. I designed that mechanism myself.
KNOX
Yeah, that's right, and I machined it. It was beautiful work, on both counts, if I may say.
(smiles proudly, looks at Fred)
FRED
(grins at Knox)
You may.
(Both chuckle)
WESLEY
(irritated)
I agree, as a sculptural piece, but the device's trigger may not have been fine enough to actually trigger the effect.
LORNE
(walks up, cheery)
Happy Halloween, kids!
KNOX
And how do you know your spell-casters didn't screw up the payload?
WESLEY
Because I went over the work and I got that knowing feeling you get when you know something.
LORNE
(claps)
Trick or treat?
FRED
(unenthusiastically)
Hi, Lorne.
LORNE
Hi. What do you say we put away your little sci-fi toys for a little bit, huh? And maybe we could talk about something a little more important, like my monster mash?
(rubs his hands together)
FRED
Oh, yeah, your party.
LORNE
Our party, tweety bird. Which, by the way, is dying on the vine. I could really, really, really use some help from you guys� some backup?
FRED
I wasn't really planning on going.
LORNE
Wes. Do you hear this crazy talk?
WESLEY
Uh, well, I really hadn't given much thought to going myself.
LORNE
Et tu, Brutuses? Why is it so hard to get anyone to have any fun around here?
KNOX
(to Fred) You should go. It's the Halloween blowout to end all blowouts. Last year, uh--
(Laughs)
They took a bunch of cows and put them in a giant wicker effigy of Krishna, uh, doused it with sambuca, and it--
(Lorne shakes him off)
Uh, well... anyway, it-it's a hell of a good time.
FRED
I really wanna get this operational before Angel goes out again.
WESLEY
Yes. I'll stay, too. I'm sure we can work it out together.
LORNE
No. No-no-no, no, no, no, no! Wes, Fred, you're coming. Look at yourselves. You're wound tighter than Martha Stewart's swatch. Isn't there anyone else who'd, uh, fix the little boo-boos on this thing?
KNOX
I can do that. It's probably the trigger mechanism anyway.
LORNE
Great. Problem solved. I'll see you two in Angel's office, 15 minutes.
(walks out)
Cut to:
8 INT. GUNN'S OFFICE - DAY
There's a knock on the door. Lorne walks into Gunn's office where Gunn is sitting at his desk reading papers.
GUNN
Hey, Lorne.
LORNE
Hey, hey. Uh... sorry to interrupt. Not to be a pest, but I just wanted to go over a little stratego, amigo.
GUNN
Uh, sorry?
LORNE
Um, you're my big gun, Gunn. Ace-in-hole, ball-in-pocket. You're the key on my kite string.
GUNN
OK.
LORNE
We gotta turn Angel around on this whole party idea.
GUNN
We do?
LORNE
Look, I know he's the boss and everything, but you're up and coming here, and it's time for you to spread your wings, legal eagle. From now on, I want you to stake out your territory, and I want you to keep it staked.
GUNN
Stake, territory. Sure. Look, um, Lorne, I'm a little busy right now. I have a deposition to get ready for, but I will definitely get to that.
LORNE
Great. Just what I wanted to hear. Angel's office, 10 minutes.
(walks out)
Cut to:
9 INT. ANGEL'S OFFICE - DAY
The whole gang has gathered at Angel's office, except Lorne. Angel is sitting at his desk, frowning. Gunn is sitting on Angel's desk. Eve is sitting in the chair across from it. Fred is standing near the windows, as is Spike. Wesley is sitting in a chair in the corner.
SPIKE
(looking out the window at people in costume)
In my day, no self-respecting creature of the night went out on All Hallow's Eve. We left that to the posers, the blighters who had to dress up and try to be scary.
(Angel presses a button that causes the windows to fog)
Magic windows. Will the perks never end?
LORNE
(walks into the office talking on his cell phone)
Ah, perfetto, Benigni! Perfetto!
(goes back and forth not wanting to walk through Spike)
Ah, si, si, si. Grande. Ciao.
(hangs up)
What did I miss?
ANGEL
Us. Waiting.
LORNE
Oh, right. Sorry. So, uh, Angel, we just wanted to take a moment and emphasize how important this party really is to us.
GUNN
I gotta say Lorne is right. We gotta show all the big bads that the new regime is here to stay, which, for the most part, boils down to image. And image-wise, if this party doesn't kick ass, we lose face.
LORNE
And believe me, milk dud, speaking as the head of your P.R. Department, we need all the face we can get.
ANGEL
Milk dud?
LORNE
Said with affection.
ANGEL
OK, listen, I understand the whole "keeping up appearances" concept, but everyone coming to this thing is unrepentant, dyed-in-the-wool evil.
LORNE
Angel, a good host just doesn't make these sort of judgments.
ANGEL
We don't know how many of them are holding grudges against us or against each other. It's a perfect recipe for an out-of-control bloodbath.
LORNE
That's describing every good party I've ever been to. Listen, Angel, don't worry about a thing. This is my forte. And I ran Caritas for years, a nightclub with an open-door policy. The good, the bad, the hideously ugly, they all bellied up to my demon bar, but they all played nicely together while they were there.
EVE
And this is exactly the kind of ethical tightrope you've gotta walk now, Angel. Which brings up another point-- your employees.
ANGEL
Also evil.
HARMONY
(walks in with a mug, sets it on Angel's desk)
Here's your blood, bossy.
(Angel glares at her)
Ahem. Boss.
EVE
Some of them, yes, but all of them work hard for this firm, and Halloween, well, around here it's like Christmas. Simply put, this is a morale thing.
HARMONY
(scoffs)
Good luck. The morale around here stinks.
ANGEL
What?
HARMONY
Uh-huh. Everybody thinks you suck. Well, come on, boss. They're all out there, sweating through their matsudas, worried if you're gonna axe them or, you know, axe them.
ANGEL
OK, look, hey, I haven't� OK, look, I may have...killed a couple of them.
LORNE
And several clients...and maybe some potential clients? Why do you think my R.S.V.P. list is only a fifth of the size of last year's?
EVE
It's you, babe.
ANGEL
Come on, what, do they think I'm throwing this thing so I can slaughter them?
(everyone in the room looks straight at Angel)
Fine. I surrender. Go ahead, Lorne. Put on your best dog and pony. I won't get in the way.
LORNE
I don't want you to sit back and just let it happen, Angel. I need you to get out there and make it happen.
ANGEL
What does that mean?
Cut to:
10 INT. LIMOUSINE - NIGHT
Angel and Lorne are riding in a limo at night. Lorne fixes himself a drink.
LORNE
Archduke Sebassis. Bona fide nobility from the fiery down under. Commands over 40 legions. He's the living end of a pure bloodline of demonic royalty.
ANGEL
Great. Just great.
LORNE
Well, also, the very peak of the A-list mountain. He's the crown jewel of the underworld jet set. If we convince him to come, all the other glitterati will just domino in right behind him, and then...then we'll be in business.
ANGEL
This really matters to you, doesn't it?
LORNE
Well, of course. The new Wolfram & Hart...I mean, we have to--
ANGEL
No. I mean, this really matters to you. Personally.
LORNE
Yeah. You know, Angel, I- I don't have superhuman strength, and I'm not a fighter. Quantum physics makes me nauseous, and I barely made a passing grade at mystical studies, but I'm on your team. This is something I can do. I believe it has a purpose that can help you, even if you don't.
ANGEL
Well, I'm here, aren't I? I agreed to this.
LORNE
No, you, you did. You did. And I promise you won't regret it. But, hey, let's leave it that you let me do most of the talking, huh? You just kind of smile and try not to rip anybody apart. OK?
(takes a drink)
Cut to:
11 INT. SEBASSIS'S THRONE ROOM - NIGHT
Angel and Lorne are seated in chairs facing a pale demon with horns seated on a high throne. Another similar demon stands at his side.
SEBASSIS
So... this is the mighty Angel. I've been told many things about you. Bit of a restless frog, hmm? Making lots of waves in your little swamp.
ANGEL
Yeah, well, I'm just trying to keep the fly population down.
Lorne laughs.
SEBASSIS
Yes. Though I do prefer the tales of your counterpart Angelus. Ah, you had flair back then, child.
ANGEL
Well, I guess we all mellow in our old age.
SEBASSIS
Your contempt is fragrant.
Sebassis sips blue liquid from a wine glass and finishes the drink. He puts his glass down and a smaller, thinner, paler demon walks out to him. The smaller slave-like demon pulls a cork out of his arm and holds his arm out over Sebassis's glass. The blue liquid Sebassis was drinking flows from the slave's uncorked vein into the glass. Lorne witnesses this with great discomfort, although he tries to hide it.
LORNE
Uh...uh, so, your lordship, we were deeply grieved when you declined our invitation. I mean, we'd love for you to reconsider.
(slaps Angel's arm)
ANGEL
Yeah�ha. Yeah. I mean, a party just isn't a party without the archduke.
SEBASSIS
You're sure you wouldn't like some--
(taps the slave, who re-corks his vein)
ANGEL
I'm fine.
(Lorne glares at Angel)
But thanks.
SEBASSIS
Oh, come, come. We're all blood drinkers here. Ah, but that's right. You choose to drink the blood of swine. Filthy beasts.
ANGEL
Actually, that's a misconception.
LORNE
Filthy! Yes! Honestly, I don't know how he does it.
(Chuckles, sips from a glass filled with the blue liquid)
Mmm. Wow, this is--
(to the slave) You, uh...you really...you taste great.
SEBASSIS
Well... in light of this amusing chat, and of my longstanding acquaintance with you, Lorne, I will come to the gala.
LORNE
Oh, that's wonderful news, your lordship! Well, we don't wanna waste any more of your valuable time.
(stands, sets down the glass)
We'll-we'll show ourselves out.
(Angel and Lorne exit the room)
ARTODE
I still think it's a trap, my lordship.
SEBASSIS
Maybe, Artode, but I am in the mood for intrigue. So we'll go to their celebration. We'll just make sure we're properly dressed.
Gestures toward a hidden panel in his wall, magically opening it to reveal swords, axes, and other weapons inside.
Fade to black.
ACT II:
12 INT. LOBBY - NIGHT
The party has started, and there's disco music playing. A glittery disco ball shimmers in the lights (strangely almost making a smiley face). Pan out to show that Harmony is the only person dancing on the dance floor. Two lawyers are talking, standing on the sidelines drinking.
LAWYER #1
Man, this is lame. I mean, where's the ritual sacrifice? How do you get the ball rolling without a ritual sacrifice?
LORNE
(walks up to the guys)
Hey, guys, come on. You're representing our glorious firm here.
LAWYER #1
Dude, it's our night off.
LORNE
(Chuckles)
Dude, this is your night on! Now mingle. Mingle, mingle, mingle, mingle, mingle!
The two lawyers walk away. A voice calls to Lorne from across the room.
DEMON
Lorne!
(Chuckling)
LORNE
Hey there, Devlin. So, uh, what are you supposed to be?
The demon is wearing a light, smooth mask that appears to have been someone's face at one time. He's dressed in an argyle sweater vest.
DEMON
You no get? I human bean.
(Laughs)
Look. I do human bean. Ahem. I proud my honor roll student.
(Laughing)
Fred and Wesley are standing together, talking, and notice Lorne across the room.
FRED
Look at Lorne. I mean, God, he's just so good at this. He fits in with everybody.
LORNE
(faking a smile)
Oh, right, that's, uh...ah. So, tell me, that mask, uh, it is rubber, right?
DEMON
My other car a Lamborghini.
(Laughing)
LORNE
(still faking a smile, Lorne's voice cracks)
'Kay, so, uh- then, uh- well, you be good and everything.
(walks away)
FRED
(to Wes) I guess I've always hated parties. I never know what to do with myself. I just end up at the hors d'oeuvres table, trying to look occupied.
LORNE
Hey there, wallflowers!
FRED
Wallflowers?
LORNE
I need you to give me a hand, help light the fuse on this powder keg? Look at the dance floor. The only thing on it is Harmony. Hey, you keep pushing that envelope, baby!
WESLEY
I'm afraid this really isn't our element, Lorne.
FRED
Yeah. We're wallflowers.
LORNE
Oh, no, no, no, sweetie. You're the young, the beautiful, the ready-to� oh. Well, here's one problem. You're totally sober! It's Halloween. You should be 3 sheets to the wind already. Now, try and get into the spirit of things, OK?
(walks off)
Cut to:
13 INT. ANGEL'S OFFICE - NIGHT
Lorne walks into Angel's office, where Angel is sitting at his desk frowning.
LORNE
Angel. It's a graveyard out there, and all the guests wanna meet the new guy in charge.
ANGEL
Look, Lorne, I-II have things. I'm busy. I'm brooding.
LORNE
(turns behind him to see the television is on)
Oh, you're watching hockey!
ANGEL
Yeah, but my team is losing.
LORNE
Get up off your keister and get out there! I can't steer this ship of fools by my lonesome! I just can't do it! I--
(Lorne groans and rubs his temples in pain as his frustration escalates)
ANGEL
Lorne?
LORNE
(looks up, all smiles again)
Let's boogie, sweet tart.
(Claps hands)
Cut to:
14 INT. LOBBY - NIGHT
Angel and Lorne walk out to join the party. Lorne points out guests of note to Angel.
LORNE
Well, so over there we have the Britzai representatives. We can get to them later. Oh, and there's the elder of the Fell Brotherhood. Come on, let's go say hi!
Angel rolls his eyes as he goes with Lorne. Harmony is still on the dance floor, although others are dancing now too. She notices Spike standing around nearby.
HARMONY
Come on, Spikey. Come dance with me.
SPIKE
You have got to be kidding.
HARMONY
Oh, come on!
SPIKE
Listen, chippie, you can gyrate all you like. I'll go to hell before these ghost shoes touch that dance floor.
HARMONY
Ohh, blondie bear, where is your Halloween spirit?
SPIKE
Dearly departed. All this claptrap for a bit of dusty old Druid nonsense. The whole silly lot of you can get hung if you ask me.
HARMONY
What are you even doing here, then?
(goes back to the dance floor)
SPIKE
What am I doing here?
(starts to walk off, but runs into Angel and Lorne)
ANGEL
Yeah, Spike. I thought you hated these kind of things.
SPIKE
I would've thought the same of you.
LORNE
Oh, no, he's doing great. He's already not killed, like, 100 guests.
SPIKE
He doesn't have to. Party's already dead.
LORNE
Oh, really, Spike, would it kill you to be a little more positive? Hmm?
MALE VOICE
(announcing his arrival)
The Archduke Sebassis!
Sebassis walks in, and people gather around him, kneeling and kissing his hands and feet.
LORNE
(to Angel) Mmm. OK, sport. You're on, and please, for me, can you try to be nice to him? Just this one time, huh?
SEBASSIS
Yes. Fine. Sycophants, worms. Don't writhe all at once. It's sickening.
ANGEL
Archduke Sebassis!
(Sebassis holds out his hand to be kissed, and Angel shakes it instead)
Thanks so much for coming. Yes, well...
ANGEL
Really, really thrilled that you're here.
LORNE
Artode, welcome. Welcome. Love the jacket, by the way.
ARTODE
It's Pylean.
LORNE
Oh, made in Pylea. Ha. My home dimension.
ARTDOTE
Not made in, made from. I skinned it myself. Anybody you know?
LORNE
(Laughs nervously)
Well, great. Thanks for dropping by. Ha ha.
(walks away)
ANGEL
And you look just� well, I don't have to tell you how awesome you look. You know how awesome you look. He knows how awesome he looks, right?
LORNE
Angel, hey. We don't wanna be greedy with his eminence. Thank you, your lordship.
SEBASSIS
Thank you.
ANGEL
Absolutely. Really. Thrilled to have you here.
LORNE
(pulls Angel away from Sebassis)
Okey-dokey! OK, that'll do it. Thank you. Come on.
FRED
(Slurring)
Yeah, for 8 years straight, I went out dressed as Raggedy Ann.
(Chuckles drunkenly)
WESLEY
(stumbles into someone)
Ooh, sorry.
(to Fred) Sounds like fun, I suppose. We never really celebrated Halloween in England.
FRED
Oh. That's so sad.
(sees the buffet)
Look, potstickers!
HARMONY
Watch your step, guys. Somebody peed all over there.
FRED
Well, that's just-- huh. Just wrong.
WESLEY
Revolting.
LORNE
Castiglio! Hey, how's the family? There you are, Umbrigon. How are ya? Nice to see ya. Nice to see ya.
(Wearily, to the bartender)
Sea breeze, Tony.
GUNN
(talking to another man)
So, really, look, come on in next week, 'cause I'm sure we can untangle that for you, OK?
(notices Lorne)
Lorne! Looks like this thing's gonna work out.
LORNE
Yeah. Fingers crossed.
GUNN
Man, I wish I had a tenth of your energy. How do you do it?
LORNE
I'll let you in on a little secret. I had my sleep removed. Little procedure they have here at the company. Yeah, well, you know, I haven't slept a wink in, oh, about a month.
GUNN
You had Wolfram & Hart remove your sleep?
(Lorne nods)
Lorne... that's great!
LORNE
Yeah.
(Chuckles)
In and out. 20 minutes, no scarring. I'll tell ya, you ought to think about it. It would go nicely with that legal upgrade of yours.
(takes his drink from the bartender)
GUNN
Yeah. Yeah, I'll definitely look into that.
LORNE
All right. See ya later.
SEBASSIS
(to his guard, Artode) The vampire is setting his trap. Our anti-detection spells worked nicely, Artode. They won't expect us to be armed.
ARTODE
And if he tries something?
SEBASSIS
Kill them all.
ARTODE
Will you excuse me, lordship?
(walks away)
SLAVE
(on a leash, touches the decorative plants, then smells his hands, breathing quickly)
Pee-pee!
EVE
(to Angel) I have to say, I'm impressed. I saw you with Sebassis. I honestly didn't know you had it in you.
ANGEL
Yeah, well, it was an act. I think.
EVE
I picked up on that from 100 yards away. Yep. You were bangin' it out to the cheap seats.
ANGEL
Funny. I was gonna say the same thing about that dress.
LORNE
(walks up to Angel and Eve)
Oh, you two. Really. The sexual tension? Oh, with a knife you could cut it, huh? Get a room.
(walks away)
Cut to:
15 INT. ANGEL'S OFFICE - NIGHT
Angel and Eve are making out inside Angel's office, kissing passionately.
ANGEL
This seems a little sudden.
EVE
Uh-huh.
ANGEL
Mmm. (Muffled) I mean, do you even have a last name?
EVE
Do you?
Cut to:
16 INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT
Artode is in a bathroom stall when the door rattles.
ARTODE
Excuse me.
(the door shakes again)
Occupado.
(the door is ripped off, and Artode is pulled forward as his blood splatters the wall)
Gaack!
Fade to black.
ACT III:
17 INT. LOBBY - NIGHT
Back at the party, things have livened up significantly. Everyone's dancing and having a good time, including Lorne. Wesley and Fred are even dancing together.
LAWYER #1
(starting a dance line)
Congo! Whoo!
SEBASSIS
(to another demon) Find Artode.
The demon walks away briskly to find Artode and bumps into Fred along the way.
FRED
Hey, you want a piece of me, buddy? That's right. Keep walking. You walk alone! You walk alone!
WESLEY
(puts his arms around Fred's waist and pulls her away)
Careful. That thing's loaded.
FRED
So am I. I mean, wow. Wes. Wesley,
(puts her arms around Wesley's neck)
I am totally drunk-faced.
WESLEY
Because you can't hold your� what are you drinking?
FRED
Nothing.
WESLEY
You can't hold that.
FRED
Oh, yeah? Lightweight? How much have you had?
WESLEY
(holds up a beer bottle)
Including this, I've had... about 1/3 of a half of this beer.
FRED
That's weird, right?
WESLEY
Yes, I think so. I think that's weird.
FRED
There's Gunn. Let's go ask him if that's weird.
Fred and Wesley walk up to Gunn, who's facing away from them.
WESLEY
Hey. Hey, Gunn. Is something weird going on?
(Gunn turns toward Wesley without moving his hands, which are together just below his waist)
Charles, you just peed on my shoes.
GUNN
(looks down, confused)
I'll be damned.
(zips his zipper)
That's weird.
SPIKE
Hey, is this a great party or what?
FRED
OK, something is definitely wrong with this picture.
SPIKE
This might be the greatest song ever written.
(dances, moving his head, singing along)
WESLEY
Yes. We appear to be under the effect of something, a spell.
GUNN
Spike, how long have you been, you know... this?
SPIKE
It's great, isn't it? I don't know. Happened a bit after I talked with Angel and Lorne. Yeah. Lorne told me to think positively.
WESLEY
(snaps and points)
Lorne.
LORNE
Whoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo! Hey, kittens. Oh, that dance floor is smoking!
(everyone stares at him)
What?
Cut to:
18 INT. ANGEL'S OFFICE - NIGHT
Wesley, Fred, Gunn, and Spike take Lorne into Angel's office.
LORNE
Come on, guys. I'm telling you I did not do anything.
FRED
Angel? You in here? Ang--
ANGEL
(pops his head up from the floor behind the couch where he's naked with Eve)
Ohh! What?
SPIKE
Hey! Angel's getting some! Good on you, mate.
ANGEL
What's wrong with you?
GUNN
What's wrong with--What are you doing with that--
EVE
Hey. Watch it, pal.
WESLEY
He must be under the effect of Lorne� and Eve, too, presum- presumally.
FRED
(Snorts, points)
Prezoomally.
WESLEY
Lorne's doing it...something to all of us.
LORNE
I am not.
WESLEY
Everything he's told us to do, we're doing. Spike's thinking positive, Gunn is peeing all over the office.
FRED
And we're a little bit drunk.
WESLEY
Yes. But not because we drank, because Lorne told us to be drunk.
ANGEL
Lorne told you to pee all over the office?
GUNN
Lord, I hope so.
LORNE
This is crazy. I am not doing this. I would know if I was doing this. I don't even know what this is.
SPIKE
You know, I really love your desk.
EVE
I don't get it. I thought Lorne was just an empath demon.
GUNN
Territory! Wait. This morning, Lorne told me to stake out my territory.
WESLEY
Right. Territorial marking, taken a little too literally.
FRED
(to Angel and Eve who are making out naked in full view of the gang)
Hey, guys, keep it in your pants.
LORNE
Ohh. Hey, I did not tell Gunn to go water the ferns. I did not do anything.
GUNN
You had your sleep removed.
WESLEY
What?
GUNN
Yeah. He hasn't slept in a month.
WESLEY
Oh, dear. An empath demon deprived of sleep for that long...
LORNE
What does that have to do with it?
FRED
Something, apparently.
ANGEL
Lorne, why would you let them do that to you?
(Eve pulls him back to her)
LORNE
I had to do something, didn't I? I mean, you don't know what I've had to deal with. I'm the center of gravity in a town that's full of borderline disorder celebrities and powerbrokers. All the hand-holding and the ego-stroking and the 4 A.M. Jacuzzi strategy sessions...
(Wesley catches Gunn peeing in the corner)
I just couldn't keep up with it, even without sleeping.
ANGEL
Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you tell us? I would have--
LORNE
What? Fired me?
ANGEL
I would've helped you, which is what I'm gonna do now, OK?
(stands)
Ahh.
(realizes he's naked, uses a couch cushion to cover his privates)
LORNE
Well, I....OK.
ANGEL
Wes, Fred, go find Lorne's sleep and figure out a way to put it back in his head.
WESLEY
Yes, sir.
FRED
(salutes)
Done and doner.
Wesley picks Fred up by the waist as he walks out the door with her.
ANGEL
Lorne, you just stay tight and try not to, you know, talk.
LORNE
Angel, we still got a party going on. Someone has to make sure there's ice in the drinks.
ANGEL
Oh, right.
SPIKE
Ooh, ooh! Me! Me! I'm your people person.
ANGEL
Gunn, go on the floor, see if anyone else is under the Lorne effect.
GUNN
Check.
ANGEL
And stop with the--
GUNN
(holding his head down)
Do my best.
(walks out)
ANGEL
And, Eve, you stay here with me, and we'll have more sex.
EVE
I'm on it.
SPIKE
Brilliant plan. Excellent.
Cut to:
19 INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT
The bathroom stall where the demon was killed is covered in blue slime. Sebassis and his entourage are staring at the remains of their companion.
SLAVE
Icky.
Cut to:
20 INT. PSYCHE COMPONENT STORAGE FACILITY - NIGHT
Fred and Wesley walk in the room labeled "Psyche Component Storage Facility: Restricted Area".
WESLEY
Lorne's sleep should be in here... somewhere.
(walks toward the opposite wall)
FRED
(looks in refrigerator-like cabinets along the walls)
Lorne's sleep. Looking for Lorne's sleep.
(Wes starts looking in the cabinets as well)
You know, I think we have pretty interesting lives.
WESLEY
I'd say that's true, given the average--
FRED
And I'm having such a good time right now. We should do stuff like this more often.
(walks up to Wesley, puts her hands on his shoulder, leans in, smiling)
You know, just hang out like we used to. Friend stuff.
WESLEY
Absolutely. Frankly, I always... I always thought we'd be better friends than we are.
FRED
Oh, we should be. Let's be better friends than we are right now.
(hugs Wes with enthusiasm, smiling and giggling)
WESLEY
Great.
FRED
You know, share stuff, talk to each other, tell each other what we're thinking.
WESLEY
Yes, that would be...I would...
FRED
It would be nice. We could be confidantes. Confiding confidentially.
WESLEY
(Whispers in Fred's ear)
I've been wanting to do that for some time now.
FRED
(Giggling, whispers in Wesley's ear)
What do you think of Knox?
(Wes pulls back to look at her)
Cut to:
21 INT. ANGEL'S OFFICE - NIGHT
Sebassis and gang burst through Angel's office door carrying their weapons which resemble crossbows. Angel's still on the floor behind the couch with Eve. Spike and Lorne are still hanging out at Angel's desk.
SPIKE
What a fantastic entrance!
ANGEL
Sebassis?
SEBASSIS
The nerve, the raw nerve to lay a hand on one of mine!
ANGEL
What is this? Lower your weapons.
SEBASSIS
These darts are poisoned, vampire. Powerful enough to put you in a coma for a week. Enough to kill any one of them before their next heartbeat. You murdered Artode. I imagine we were to be next.
ANGEL
I didn't murder anyone.
SEBASSIS
Dress yourself, Angel. You have a public execution to attend.
ANGEL
(putting on his clothes)
Big mistake.
A woman screams from the lobby.
SEBASSIS
Move!
Cut to:
22 INT. LOBBY - NIGHT
The crowd clears from the dance floor as the woman's screams turn into horrified moans. Sebassis and gang lead Angel, Lorne, and Spike out into the lobby to investigate, where they find Devlin the "Human Bean" demon lying on the buffet table, either unconscious or dead.
LORNE
Oh, boy.
HARMONY
Yeah. Somebody really dipped his chip.
Sebassis points his poisoned arrow at Lorne, then Angel
ANGEL
OK, Sebassis, I don't know what's going on here, but we are not behind it.
SEBASSIS
Enough lies, vampire.
LORNE
OK, everybody, OK. Yes, the party's taking an unfortunate turn momentarily. So let's not...
(Sebassis cocks the weapon)
fight.
Cut to:
23 INT. PSYCHE COMPONENT STORAGE FACILITY - NIGHT
Wesley is researching through a book in the center of the room while Fred searches through the cabinets.
WESLEY
Sleep disorders, Edelmyer complex, Eldritch causes, Empaths.
FRED
Hey, they don't just do sleep here. Madeline Chu in accounting, she had her ennui removed. Hey, here it is. Lorne's sleep. Now I just have to find the delivery device.
WESLEY
This isn't good. "The effects of long-term sleeplessness on the subconscious mind of an empath can be catastrophic."
FRED
Catastrophic sounds not good.
WESLEY
Under normal conditions, Lorne has the ability to read people's destinies. But now I think he's writing them.
FRED
So, what, instead of receiving, he's transmitting?
WESLEY
And that's just phase one. "If you sever the empath from his subconscious for too long, that subconscious can"... it can manifest.
FRED
What do you mean, manifest?
Cut to:
24 INT. LOBBY - NIGHT
Sebassis is pointing his weapons at Angel.
LORNE
Wait! Please, wait. I'm doing this. It's me. I mean, it's not me. But I haven't been myself lately. Somehow, I'm making people do things and I'm controlling them.
(Sebassis points the weapon at Lorne)
Whoa.
SEBASSIS
Well, then, Pylean, you're making me kill you. Is that consistent with your theory?
Just then, a roar can be heard from the staircase that overlooks the lobby. A giant green creature dressed in a blue suit and purple shirt just like Lorne's jumps down from the balcony, landing right in front of Sebassis. The creature looks like a thick-necked, muscle-man version of Lorne. It growls menacingly at them.
HARMONY
Oh, my God!
LORNE
It's me.
Fade to black.
ACT IV:
25 INT. LOBBY - NIGHT
Resume. The hulking version of Lorne has presented itself threateningly to Sebassis in the middle of the party.
SPIKE
(smiling in admiration)
That's one bitchin' big suit.
Hulking Lorne smacks one of Sebassis's demons, knocking him down. Sebassis fires a poisoned dart into the massive creature but to no effect. Sebassis's slave unhooks his leash from Sebassis's belt and sneaks away while the fight goes on.
ANGEL
Lorne, what the hell is this?
LORNE
Stop it! Stop killing! Listen to me. Me!
(hulking Lorne smacks Lorne, knocking him down)
Wow, I must really hate myself.
Cut to:
26 INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT
Fred and Wesley are standing in front of the elevator.
WESLEY
Come on, come on, come on.
FRED
Did you press�
WESLEY
Oh.
(presses the call button)
Yeah. Come on, come on, come on.
Cut to:
27 INT. LOBBY - NIGHT
Hulking Lorne walks toward Sebassis, growling and glaring. Angel backs up, protecting Sebassis.
ANGEL
Sebassis, run.
Sebassis scurries off behind a pole so he can watch the goings on. Hulking Lorne smacks Angel, sending him across the room. Gunn tries to hit hulking Lorne over the head with a statue, but to no avail, hulking Lorne shoves Gunn across the room, where he lands next to Lorne.
LORNE
Ohh! Oh, sorry about that.
Sebassis tries to crawl away up the stairs, but hulking Lorne goes after him. Angel picks himself up and attacks hulking Lorne, punching him repeatedly, but not really hurting him. The lobby elevator doors open, and Wesley and Fred are inside but facing the wrong way. They turn around and walk into the lobby. Fred is carrying a gun-shaped device.
WESLEY
(pointing to hulking Lorne)
It's here! It's manifested!
FRED
Angel.
Hulking Lorne is beating Angel. Fred and Wesley walk up behind Lorne who's watching the fight with horror. Fred points the gun up in front of her.
GUNN
Shoot it, Fred. Now!
Fred turns and points the gun at Lorne's head as he watches the fight.
LORNE
Oh.
(Fred pulls the trigger and he collapses to the ground)
Oh. Ohh! Ohh.
HARMONY
Oh, my God! They shot Lorney-tunes.
LORNE
No. I'm OK. Just gonna rest my eyes a little bit.
Hulking Lorne stands over Angel, rears back, ready to pummel him, when he disappears in a puff of blue smoke. Lorne is snoring.
Cut to:
28 INT. LOBBY - DAY
Van, Lorne's assistant, is sleeping in the middle of the dance floor while someone sweeps around him.
LAWYER #1
Got to hand it to them. I think this is better than last year.
KNOX
(steps off the elevator, sees Fred collecting glasses)
Uh... We have people who do that.
FRED
Oh.
KNOX
I fixed our baby.
FRED
What?
KNOX
The stun grenade. I figured it out. What I can't figure out is why I said I'd do it tonight.
FRED
Yeah. A lot of us are having that kind of problem. I kind of wished you were here.
KNOX
Well, the night is still young. Well�I mean, no. It's over, actually. But... did you want to get a cup of coffee?
FRED
Actually, I could use a drink.
Cut to:
29 INT. ANGEL'S OFFICE - DAY
Wesley and Angel tuck Lorne in under a blanket on Angel's couch. Spike is sitting on Angel's desk next to Eve, who's talking on the cell phone.
WESLEY
That thing...I think it was a manifestation of Lorne's subconscious. It peeled away from his mind, using Lorne's supernatural powers to punch its way into our world.
ANGEL
"Punch" is the right word. Why was it trying to kill everyone?
WESLEY
I don't think it was. It may have just been processing the conflicts that Lorne normally deals with in his sleep, acting out on the emotional responses he has to the people around him.
ANGEL
(notices Eve hang up the phone and head to the door, he stands)
I guess Lorne makes some judgments after all.
(calls after Eve)
Eve. So I guess we should, I don't know, talk?
EVE
About what?
ANGEL
About what happened back there with us.
EVE
Angel, it's not like this is the first time I've had sex under a mystical influence. I went to U.C. Santa Cruz.
(walks out)
WESLEY
How you doing?
ANGEL
I don't know.
Wesley looks out into the lobby and sees Fred having a drink with Knox. He walks out past them, toward his office.
GUNN
(walks in)
Hey, I spoke with Sebassis' people. Explained what I could.
ANGEL
So what do we got? Lawsuit? Demon war?
GUNN
No. It seems like they enjoy a little blood sport at their social functions. Looks like we're OK.
ANGEL
We're not OK. We've been so focused on the dangers outside that we didn't see the ones within. This place is trying to change us, Gunn. We can't ever forget that.
GUNN
Pretty damn good party, though. I'll see you tomorrow...well, today, but later. Oh, and your chair.
ANGEL
What?
GUNN
Don't sit in it. I already called janitorial.
ANGEL
Why can't I--
SPIKE
You pissed in the big man's chair? That's fantastic!
GUNN
Spike, can you please turn off that warm fuzzy?
SPIKE
What, the Lorne thing? Wore off. I just think that's bloody fabulous.
ANGEL
All right, guys, good night. Let Lorne get some sleep, all right?
(to Spike)
Out.
SPIKE
All right. Just this once.
LORNE
Mmm. I'm sorry.
ANGEL
Hey, it's OK, Lorne. Just try and get some rest. Get some sleep.
LORNE
It's...it's hard. It's hard being the host of the party. Yeah.
ANGEL
Stop trying to be.
Fade to black.
5x05 Episode #93 "Life of the Party"
Written by Ben Edlund
Directed by Bill Norton
Originally aired October 29, 2003
PROLOGUE:
1 INT. LOBBY - DAY
Close-up on Lorne's feet as he walks down the hallway talking on his cell phone. Lorne's wearing silver alligator boots and a blue suit. To his right side is another man holding another cell phone and a notepad.
LORNE
It'll be fabulous. Believe me, Jerry. Yes. It's Grapes of Wrath in outer space. Uh-huh. Oh, it's got heart. Yes, it's got laser battles.
(takes off his sunglasses)
It's got a timely message of interstellar poverty. Uh-huh. Listen, have your assistant call my assistant. We'll set something up. Good enough.
(Chuckles)
(hangs up the cell phone and tosses it to his assistant)
(talks to the other cell phone his assistant was holding)
J.C., Listen, just got off the Nextel with big "B." Yeah, intrigued, but wants to know who's playin' Tom Joad. Uh-huh. Well, I'm pretty sure that Henry Fonda's dead, sweetie. Yeah. Bring him back to life? Let me talk to my science people. OK, no promises.
(hangs up)
(to his assistant) Directors.
(walks up to Harmony's desk in the lobby)
Harmonica!
HARMONY
(smiles, clasps his hands)
Lorney-tunes!
Harmony is incredibly overdressed for a receptionist. She's wearing a pink sequined sleeveless dress. Her hair is done professionally.
LORNE
Ohh, the eyes, the hair, the dress. It's no wonder the fourth floor has a crush on you. Hey, tell me, priceless, where do I find Angel?
HARMONY
Just called. He's on his way back in from a field mission, though I wouldn't, if I were you. He sounds like he's in a mood.
LORNE
(Chuckles)
Oh, don't worry, darlin'. I've pulled the big boy out of many a brood-fest. It shouldn't be that--
(Lorne turns to see Angel walk into the lobby covered in slime)
Eww.
WESLEY
(walks up to Angel)
Angel, how did the new neural-intercept grenade work?
ANGEL
It didn't.
(hands the grenade to Wes, sighs)
WESLEY
Right. I'll take it down to Fred and have her look at it.
LORNE
Hey, Angel-heart--
(calls after Wes, who's walking away)
Hey, Wes, if you see Fred, can you have her pencil me in for later? I gotta talk to her about Henry Fonda's big comeback.
WESLEY
All right.
LORNE
(follows Angel, who's walking steadily away toward his office)
Angel, Angel. We've gotta have a confab. Es muy importante--
ANGEL
Uh, or wha--
LORNE
Uh, it's about the party? I've done all I can do for the big to-do, but we've still got a few bugs to comb out of the cootie garage.
(Angel frowns and starts to close his door)
A bridge too far? Uh, let me try it again. Uh--
ANGEL
Look, Lorne, I've been out all night, OK? I'm beat up, I'm exhausted, I'm covered head to toe in Thraxis blood, which actually kind of burns, so this is all gonna have to wait until I take a shower.
(starts to shut the door)
LORNE
You killed the Thraxis?
ANGEL
Shower.
(shuts the door in Lorne's face)
LORNE
(to his assistant) Hey, Van, look, why don't we, uh, scratch the Thraxis off the invite list, and, uh...oh, hey, you got a copy of that print ad we're gonna run this week?
VAN
Yes. Right.
(takes out a piece of paper from his files)
LORNE
(reading the paper)
What is this? "Wolfram & Hart wants to be up your alley"? Sounds like a bus station pick-up line. Change it. Second thought, burn it. Grab yourself a bagel or something, too. You look a little waxy.
Cut to:
2 INT. LORNE'S OFFICE - DAY
Lorne steps into his office and shuts the door behind him. He breathes deeply and collapses into the chair at his mirrored vanity make-up table. He rests his elbow on the vanity, rubbing his temples and moaning. Suddenly, his reflection in the mirror turns to look at him, concerned, and begins to speak.
LORNE'S REFLECTION
Ooh, ouch. That's an adult-sized bang-a-roo. Hello?
(Lorne groans)
Oh, Mr. Smiles.
(Lorne groans)
Oh, come on, you can't ignore me forever. Oh, well, fine. Looks like you're gonna have to slap a band-aid on that melon, draw a grin on that bewitching green mug, and go right back out there. On the count of 9, sunshine. 1...2...3...
(Lorne glares at his reflection)
The show stops for no demon, Lorne. 4...5...
(Lorne winces)
They're all waiting for you. 6...7... They're counting on you. 8...comin'up on 9. They're gonna eat you up with a spoon because you're so scrumptious!
LORNE
(screams)
Shut up!
(bashes the mirror with a wine bottle)
(Groans, stands, faces the door)
LORNE'S REFLECTION
(singing a slow ballad)
Don't, don't leave me this way
I can't exist
I'll surely miss
your tender kiss
so don't leave me this way
ohhhh...
A very stressed Lorne walks out the door.
Cut to:
3 INT. HALLWAY- DAY
When Lorne appears in the hallway, he's all smiles and energy again, talking on his cell phone, transitioning his reflection's song into an upbeat pop song.
LORNE
(singing)
Ohhh, baby! Oh, my heart is full of love and desire for you!
Fade to black.
Opening credits.
ACT I:
4 INT. ANGEL'S APARTMENT - DAY
A shower is running as someone enters Angel's office. The doorless shower provides a direct view of the office. Angel turns off the shower and grabs a towel when he notices Eve sitting on his bed watching him.
EVE
Hi. Uh, the door was open. Well, unlocked.
(a naked Angel walks toward her frowning; Eve smiles)
Well... I had a key.
(Angel holds out his hand; Eve gives him the key, which he throws on the table)
So, uh, wow. You take a long shower for a guy.
(Angel wraps a towel around his waist)
Were we having some gentlemen's time?
ANGEL
Gentlemen's?
EVE
I mean, I understand. You're running the whole circus now, a lot of pressure, especially with your hands-on policy. No pun intended. I'm sure you could use a release.
ANGEL
No releasing, just bathing. That's what one does after bashing open a demonic pinata full of rancid Tabasco. What do you want, Eve?
EVE
You stood me up. We had a 7:30, Angel, a meeting.
ANGEL
Oh. Right. Uh... I'll get my pants.
Cut to:
5 INT. ELEVATOR - DAY
A fully-clothed Angel and Eve, her arms crossed, walk onto the elevator.
EVE
So, how's it going, Angel?
ANGEL
Oh...
(Exhales)
I don't know how to answer that question. I�I don't know. Good. Bad.
(Sighs)
Look, I spent years doing everything I could to bring this company down. Now I'm the CEO, and I have to question every move I make because any one of them could be exactly what the senior partners want, so, no, I have no idea how it's going.
(crosses his arms)
EVE
Hey, at least you can still get your nocturnal jollies saving the downtrodden from things that go bump in the night.
ANGEL
Well, you said it yourself. Everyone needs a release.
EVE
No. I said you need a release. Not everyone bottles all this stuff up like you.
ANGEL
I don't bottle.
EVE
You bottle.
ANGEL
(in her face)
I don't bottle.
Cut to:
6 INT. LOBBY - DAY
When the elevator door opens, a huge skull is there in the doorway. Angel reflexively punches it, and the man holding the foam skull falls down to the floor, groaning. Angel looks around to see there are many people with similar costumes busily working to decorate the lobby.
ANGEL
OK, why does it look like we're having a party in here?
LORNE
Well, maybe 'cause we're having a party in here. The Wolfram & Hart Halloween Bash? Ring a bell? The biggest event on the company calendar? I sent you a small forest's worth of memos on it.
ANGEL
We're havin' it here?
LORNE
(to Eve) You see what I'm up against?
EVE
That's what our 7:30 was about, Angel. Your party.
ANGEL
My party?
LORNE
Yeah, listen. Here's the snafu in a nutshell, top cat. Uh, nobody's comin'. Well, some people are coming, but the right people, the A-list people, they seem to be giving it a miss, and if they don't show up, this shindig is gonna be a bust.
ANGEL
Good.
LORNE
(Insensed)
Good?!
ANGEL
(casually)
I wasn't too crazy about this thing to begin with. I mean, we are talking about our clients, right? Our evil clients.
(Lorne starts rubbing his head)
Not the sort of folks I really like to show a good time. I'd be a lot happier if the whole thing just kind of fell through. Then we could get back to--
LORNE
(still rubbing his head, laughs out loud)
Ha ha ha! OK! OK! You're killin' me. Can't you just feel up the big picture, Mr. Magoo? It's not about good and evil. It's about party. Party! Capital "P"! Rhymes with "me"?
(yelling now)
About to have a stroke here 'cause you're killin' me!
(calms down)
Listen. I can see that you're in a-a state, a-a mood, a snit even,
(stuffs a huge black silk flower into Angel's arm)
so what say we talk about this once you've... calmed down a bit?
ANGEL
Yeah, sure. That's fine--
LORNE
(walks away)
Great. Your office. 25 minutes.
Cut to:
7 INT. SCIENCE LABORATORY - DAY
Wesley sets the grenade on the lab desk in front of Fred.
FRED
Was Angel mad?
WESLEY
Shouldn't he be? We sent him out there with a defective piece of weaponry.
FRED
(annoyed)
Which "we" are we talking about?
WESLEY
(softly)
Fred, these techno-mystical hybrids are a complicated affair.
KNOX
(bounds up to them, joins the conversation)
Oh, I don't know. It seemed kind of simple to me. It's just a little hand-held, spell-casting robot, right? So it's either the robot or the spell that we have a problem with.
WESLEY
Well, the grenade's core enchantment looks operational, so I think we're talking about a faulty trigger mechanism.
FRED
No, wait a minute. I designed that mechanism myself.
KNOX
Yeah, that's right, and I machined it. It was beautiful work, on both counts, if I may say.
(smiles proudly, looks at Fred)
FRED
(grins at Knox)
You may.
(Both chuckle)
WESLEY
(irritated)
I agree, as a sculptural piece, but the device's trigger may not have been fine enough to actually trigger the effect.
LORNE
(walks up, cheery)
Happy Halloween, kids!
KNOX
And how do you know your spell-casters didn't screw up the payload?
WESLEY
Because I went over the work and I got that knowing feeling you get when you know something.
LORNE
(claps)
Trick or treat?
FRED
(unenthusiastically)
Hi, Lorne.
LORNE
Hi. What do you say we put away your little sci-fi toys for a little bit, huh? And maybe we could talk about something a little more important, like my monster mash?
(rubs his hands together)
FRED
Oh, yeah, your party.
LORNE
Our party, tweety bird. Which, by the way, is dying on the vine. I could really, really, really use some help from you guys� some backup?
FRED
I wasn't really planning on going.
LORNE
Wes. Do you hear this crazy talk?
WESLEY
Uh, well, I really hadn't given much thought to going myself.
LORNE
Et tu, Brutuses? Why is it so hard to get anyone to have any fun around here?
KNOX
(to Fred) You should go. It's the Halloween blowout to end all blowouts. Last year, uh--
(Laughs)
They took a bunch of cows and put them in a giant wicker effigy of Krishna, uh, doused it with sambuca, and it--
(Lorne shakes him off)
Uh, well... anyway, it-it's a hell of a good time.
FRED
I really wanna get this operational before Angel goes out again.
WESLEY
Yes. I'll stay, too. I'm sure we can work it out together.
LORNE
No. No-no-no, no, no, no, no! Wes, Fred, you're coming. Look at yourselves. You're wound tighter than Martha Stewart's swatch. Isn't there anyone else who'd, uh, fix the little boo-boos on this thing?
KNOX
I can do that. It's probably the trigger mechanism anyway.
LORNE
Great. Problem solved. I'll see you two in Angel's office, 15 minutes.
(walks out)
Cut to:
8 INT. GUNN'S OFFICE - DAY
There's a knock on the door. Lorne walks into Gunn's office where Gunn is sitting at his desk reading papers.
GUNN
Hey, Lorne.
LORNE
Hey, hey. Uh... sorry to interrupt. Not to be a pest, but I just wanted to go over a little stratego, amigo.
GUNN
Uh, sorry?
LORNE
Um, you're my big gun, Gunn. Ace-in-hole, ball-in-pocket. You're the key on my kite string.
GUNN
OK.
LORNE
We gotta turn Angel around on this whole party idea.
GUNN
We do?
LORNE
Look, I know he's the boss and everything, but you're up and coming here, and it's time for you to spread your wings, legal eagle. From now on, I want you to stake out your territory, and I want you to keep it staked.
GUNN
Stake, territory. Sure. Look, um, Lorne, I'm a little busy right now. I have a deposition to get ready for, but I will definitely get to that.
LORNE
Great. Just what I wanted to hear. Angel's office, 10 minutes.
(walks out)
Cut to:
9 INT. ANGEL'S OFFICE - DAY
The whole gang has gathered at Angel's office, except Lorne. Angel is sitting at his desk, frowning. Gunn is sitting on Angel's desk. Eve is sitting in the chair across from it. Fred is standing near the windows, as is Spike. Wesley is sitting in a chair in the corner.
SPIKE
(looking out the window at people in costume)
In my day, no self-respecting creature of the night went out on All Hallow's Eve. We left that to the posers, the blighters who had to dress up and try to be scary.
(Angel presses a button that causes the windows to fog)
Magic windows. Will the perks never end?
LORNE
(walks into the office talking on his cell phone)
Ah, perfetto, Benigni! Perfetto!
(goes back and forth not wanting to walk through Spike)
Ah, si, si, si. Grande. Ciao.
(hangs up)
What did I miss?
ANGEL
Us. Waiting.
LORNE
Oh, right. Sorry. So, uh, Angel, we just wanted to take a moment and emphasize how important this party really is to us.
GUNN
I gotta say Lorne is right. We gotta show all the big bads that the new regime is here to stay, which, for the most part, boils down to image. And image-wise, if this party doesn't kick ass, we lose face.
LORNE
And believe me, milk dud, speaking as the head of your P.R. Department, we need all the face we can get.
ANGEL
Milk dud?
LORNE
Said with affection.
ANGEL
OK, listen, I understand the whole "keeping up appearances" concept, but everyone coming to this thing is unrepentant, dyed-in-the-wool evil.
LORNE
Angel, a good host just doesn't make these sort of judgments.
ANGEL
We don't know how many of them are holding grudges against us or against each other. It's a perfect recipe for an out-of-control bloodbath.
LORNE
That's describing every good party I've ever been to. Listen, Angel, don't worry about a thing. This is my forte. And I ran Caritas for years, a nightclub with an open-door policy. The good, the bad, the hideously ugly, they all bellied up to my demon bar, but they all played nicely together while they were there.
EVE
And this is exactly the kind of ethical tightrope you've gotta walk now, Angel. Which brings up another point-- your employees.
ANGEL
Also evil.
HARMONY
(walks in with a mug, sets it on Angel's desk)
Here's your blood, bossy.
(Angel glares at her)
Ahem. Boss.
EVE
Some of them, yes, but all of them work hard for this firm, and Halloween, well, around here it's like Christmas. Simply put, this is a morale thing.
HARMONY
(scoffs)
Good luck. The morale around here stinks.
ANGEL
What?
HARMONY
Uh-huh. Everybody thinks you suck. Well, come on, boss. They're all out there, sweating through their matsudas, worried if you're gonna axe them or, you know, axe them.
ANGEL
OK, look, hey, I haven't� OK, look, I may have...killed a couple of them.
LORNE
And several clients...and maybe some potential clients? Why do you think my R.S.V.P. list is only a fifth of the size of last year's?
EVE
It's you, babe.
ANGEL
Come on, what, do they think I'm throwing this thing so I can slaughter them?
(everyone in the room looks straight at Angel)
Fine. I surrender. Go ahead, Lorne. Put on your best dog and pony. I won't get in the way.
LORNE
I don't want you to sit back and just let it happen, Angel. I need you to get out there and make it happen.
ANGEL
What does that mean?
Cut to:
10 INT. LIMOUSINE - NIGHT
Angel and Lorne are riding in a limo at night. Lorne fixes himself a drink.
LORNE
Archduke Sebassis. Bona fide nobility from the fiery down under. Commands over 40 legions. He's the living end of a pure bloodline of demonic royalty.
ANGEL
Great. Just great.
LORNE
Well, also, the very peak of the A-list mountain. He's the crown jewel of the underworld jet set. If we convince him to come, all the other glitterati will just domino in right behind him, and then...then we'll be in business.
ANGEL
This really matters to you, doesn't it?
LORNE
Well, of course. The new Wolfram & Hart...I mean, we have to--
ANGEL
No. I mean, this really matters to you. Personally.
LORNE
Yeah. You know, Angel, I- I don't have superhuman strength, and I'm not a fighter. Quantum physics makes me nauseous, and I barely made a passing grade at mystical studies, but I'm on your team. This is something I can do. I believe it has a purpose that can help you, even if you don't.
ANGEL
Well, I'm here, aren't I? I agreed to this.
LORNE
No, you, you did. You did. And I promise you won't regret it. But, hey, let's leave it that you let me do most of the talking, huh? You just kind of smile and try not to rip anybody apart. OK?
(takes a drink)
Cut to:
11 INT. SEBASSIS'S THRONE ROOM - NIGHT
Angel and Lorne are seated in chairs facing a pale demon with horns seated on a high throne. Another similar demon stands at his side.
SEBASSIS
So... this is the mighty Angel. I've been told many things about you. Bit of a restless frog, hmm? Making lots of waves in your little swamp.
ANGEL
Yeah, well, I'm just trying to keep the fly population down.
Lorne laughs.
SEBASSIS
Yes. Though I do prefer the tales of your counterpart Angelus. Ah, you had flair back then, child.
ANGEL
Well, I guess we all mellow in our old age.
SEBASSIS
Your contempt is fragrant.
Sebassis sips blue liquid from a wine glass and finishes the drink. He puts his glass down and a smaller, thinner, paler demon walks out to him. The smaller slave-like demon pulls a cork out of his arm and holds his arm out over Sebassis's glass. The blue liquid Sebassis was drinking flows from the slave's uncorked vein into the glass. Lorne witnesses this with great discomfort, although he tries to hide it.
LORNE
Uh...uh, so, your lordship, we were deeply grieved when you declined our invitation. I mean, we'd love for you to reconsider.
(slaps Angel's arm)
ANGEL
Yeah�ha. Yeah. I mean, a party just isn't a party without the archduke.
SEBASSIS
You're sure you wouldn't like some--
(taps the slave, who re-corks his vein)
ANGEL
I'm fine.
(Lorne glares at Angel)
But thanks.
SEBASSIS
Oh, come, come. We're all blood drinkers here. Ah, but that's right. You choose to drink the blood of swine. Filthy beasts.
ANGEL
Actually, that's a misconception.
LORNE
Filthy! Yes! Honestly, I don't know how he does it.
(Chuckles, sips from a glass filled with the blue liquid)
Mmm. Wow, this is--
(to the slave) You, uh...you really...you taste great.
SEBASSIS
Well... in light of this amusing chat, and of my longstanding acquaintance with you, Lorne, I will come to the gala.
LORNE
Oh, that's wonderful news, your lordship! Well, we don't wanna waste any more of your valuable time.
(stands, sets down the glass)
We'll-we'll show ourselves out.
(Angel and Lorne exit the room)
ARTODE
I still think it's a trap, my lordship.
SEBASSIS
Maybe, Artode, but I am in the mood for intrigue. So we'll go to their celebration. We'll just make sure we're properly dressed.
Gestures toward a hidden panel in his wall, magically opening it to reveal swords, axes, and other weapons inside.
Fade to black.
ACT II:
12 INT. LOBBY - NIGHT
The party has started, and there's disco music playing. A glittery disco ball shimmers in the lights (strangely almost making a smiley face). Pan out to show that Harmony is the only person dancing on the dance floor. Two lawyers are talking, standing on the sidelines drinking.
LAWYER #1
Man, this is lame. I mean, where's the ritual sacrifice? How do you get the ball rolling without a ritual sacrifice?
LORNE
(walks up to the guys)
Hey, guys, come on. You're representing our glorious firm here.
LAWYER #1
Dude, it's our night off.
LORNE
(Chuckles)
Dude, this is your night on! Now mingle. Mingle, mingle, mingle, mingle, mingle!
The two lawyers walk away. A voice calls to Lorne from across the room.
DEMON
Lorne!
(Chuckling)
LORNE
Hey there, Devlin. So, uh, what are you supposed to be?
The demon is wearing a light, smooth mask that appears to have been someone's face at one time. He's dressed in an argyle sweater vest.
DEMON
You no get? I human bean.
(Laughs)
Look. I do human bean. Ahem. I proud my honor roll student.
(Laughing)
Fred and Wesley are standing together, talking, and notice Lorne across the room.
FRED
Look at Lorne. I mean, God, he's just so good at this. He fits in with everybody.
LORNE
(faking a smile)
Oh, right, that's, uh...ah. So, tell me, that mask, uh, it is rubber, right?
DEMON
My other car a Lamborghini.
(Laughing)
LORNE
(still faking a smile, Lorne's voice cracks)
'Kay, so, uh- then, uh- well, you be good and everything.
(walks away)
FRED
(to Wes) I guess I've always hated parties. I never know what to do with myself. I just end up at the hors d'oeuvres table, trying to look occupied.
LORNE
Hey there, wallflowers!
FRED
Wallflowers?
LORNE
I need you to give me a hand, help light the fuse on this powder keg? Look at the dance floor. The only thing on it is Harmony. Hey, you keep pushing that envelope, baby!
WESLEY
I'm afraid this really isn't our element, Lorne.
FRED
Yeah. We're wallflowers.
LORNE
Oh, no, no, no, sweetie. You're the young, the beautiful, the ready-to� oh. Well, here's one problem. You're totally sober! It's Halloween. You should be 3 sheets to the wind already. Now, try and get into the spirit of things, OK?
(walks off)
Cut to:
13 INT. ANGEL'S OFFICE - NIGHT
Lorne walks into Angel's office, where Angel is sitting at his desk frowning.
LORNE
Angel. It's a graveyard out there, and all the guests wanna meet the new guy in charge.
ANGEL
Look, Lorne, I-II have things. I'm busy. I'm brooding.
LORNE
(turns behind him to see the television is on)
Oh, you're watching hockey!
ANGEL
Yeah, but my team is losing.
LORNE
Get up off your keister and get out there! I can't steer this ship of fools by my lonesome! I just can't do it! I--
(Lorne groans and rubs his temples in pain as his frustration escalates)
ANGEL
Lorne?
LORNE
(looks up, all smiles again)
Let's boogie, sweet tart.
(Claps hands)
Cut to:
14 INT. LOBBY - NIGHT
Angel and Lorne walk out to join the party. Lorne points out guests of note to Angel.
LORNE
Well, so over there we have the Britzai representatives. We can get to them later. Oh, and there's the elder of the Fell Brotherhood. Come on, let's go say hi!
Angel rolls his eyes as he goes with Lorne. Harmony is still on the dance floor, although others are dancing now too. She notices Spike standing around nearby.
HARMONY
Come on, Spikey. Come dance with me.
SPIKE
You have got to be kidding.
HARMONY
Oh, come on!
SPIKE
Listen, chippie, you can gyrate all you like. I'll go to hell before these ghost shoes touch that dance floor.
HARMONY
Ohh, blondie bear, where is your Halloween spirit?
SPIKE
Dearly departed. All this claptrap for a bit of dusty old Druid nonsense. The whole silly lot of you can get hung if you ask me.
HARMONY
What are you even doing here, then?
(goes back to the dance floor)
SPIKE
What am I doing here?
(starts to walk off, but runs into Angel and Lorne)
ANGEL
Yeah, Spike. I thought you hated these kind of things.
SPIKE
I would've thought the same of you.
LORNE
Oh, no, he's doing great. He's already not killed, like, 100 guests.
SPIKE
He doesn't have to. Party's already dead.
LORNE
Oh, really, Spike, would it kill you to be a little more positive? Hmm?
MALE VOICE
(announcing his arrival)
The Archduke Sebassis!
Sebassis walks in, and people gather around him, kneeling and kissing his hands and feet.
LORNE
(to Angel) Mmm. OK, sport. You're on, and please, for me, can you try to be nice to him? Just this one time, huh?
SEBASSIS
Yes. Fine. Sycophants, worms. Don't writhe all at once. It's sickening.
ANGEL
Archduke Sebassis!
(Sebassis holds out his hand to be kissed, and Angel shakes it instead)
Thanks so much for coming. Yes, well...
ANGEL
Really, really thrilled that you're here.
LORNE
Artode, welcome. Welcome. Love the jacket, by the way.
ARTODE
It's Pylean.
LORNE
Oh, made in Pylea. Ha. My home dimension.
ARTDOTE
Not made in, made from. I skinned it myself. Anybody you know?
LORNE
(Laughs nervously)
Well, great. Thanks for dropping by. Ha ha.
(walks away)
ANGEL
And you look just� well, I don't have to tell you how awesome you look. You know how awesome you look. He knows how awesome he looks, right?
LORNE
Angel, hey. We don't wanna be greedy with his eminence. Thank you, your lordship.
SEBASSIS
Thank you.
ANGEL
Absolutely. Really. Thrilled to have you here.
LORNE
(pulls Angel away from Sebassis)
Okey-dokey! OK, that'll do it. Thank you. Come on.
FRED
(Slurring)
Yeah, for 8 years straight, I went out dressed as Raggedy Ann.
(Chuckles drunkenly)
WESLEY
(stumbles into someone)
Ooh, sorry.
(to Fred) Sounds like fun, I suppose. We never really celebrated Halloween in England.
FRED
Oh. That's so sad.
(sees the buffet)
Look, potstickers!
HARMONY
Watch your step, guys. Somebody peed all over there.
FRED
Well, that's just-- huh. Just wrong.
WESLEY
Revolting.
LORNE
Castiglio! Hey, how's the family? There you are, Umbrigon. How are ya? Nice to see ya. Nice to see ya.
(Wearily, to the bartender)
Sea breeze, Tony.
GUNN
(talking to another man)
So, really, look, come on in next week, 'cause I'm sure we can untangle that for you, OK?
(notices Lorne)
Lorne! Looks like this thing's gonna work out.
LORNE
Yeah. Fingers crossed.
GUNN
Man, I wish I had a tenth of your energy. How do you do it?
LORNE
I'll let you in on a little secret. I had my sleep removed. Little procedure they have here at the company. Yeah, well, you know, I haven't slept a wink in, oh, about a month.
GUNN
You had Wolfram & Hart remove your sleep?
(Lorne nods)
Lorne... that's great!
LORNE
Yeah.
(Chuckles)
In and out. 20 minutes, no scarring. I'll tell ya, you ought to think about it. It would go nicely with that legal upgrade of yours.
(takes his drink from the bartender)
GUNN
Yeah. Yeah, I'll definitely look into that.
LORNE
All right. See ya later.
SEBASSIS
(to his guard, Artode) The vampire is setting his trap. Our anti-detection spells worked nicely, Artode. They won't expect us to be armed.
ARTODE
And if he tries something?
SEBASSIS
Kill them all.
ARTODE
Will you excuse me, lordship?
(walks away)
SLAVE
(on a leash, touches the decorative plants, then smells his hands, breathing quickly)
Pee-pee!
EVE
(to Angel) I have to say, I'm impressed. I saw you with Sebassis. I honestly didn't know you had it in you.
ANGEL
Yeah, well, it was an act. I think.
EVE
I picked up on that from 100 yards away. Yep. You were bangin' it out to the cheap seats.
ANGEL
Funny. I was gonna say the same thing about that dress.
LORNE
(walks up to Angel and Eve)
Oh, you two. Really. The sexual tension? Oh, with a knife you could cut it, huh? Get a room.
(walks away)
Cut to:
15 INT. ANGEL'S OFFICE - NIGHT
Angel and Eve are making out inside Angel's office, kissing passionately.
ANGEL
This seems a little sudden.
EVE
Uh-huh.
ANGEL
Mmm. (Muffled) I mean, do you even have a last name?
EVE
Do you?
Cut to:
16 INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT
Artode is in a bathroom stall when the door rattles.
ARTODE
Excuse me.
(the door shakes again)
Occupado.
(the door is ripped off, and Artode is pulled forward as his blood splatters the wall)
Gaack!
Fade to black.
ACT III:
17 INT. LOBBY - NIGHT
Back at the party, things have livened up significantly. Everyone's dancing and having a good time, including Lorne. Wesley and Fred are even dancing together.
LAWYER #1
(starting a dance line)
Congo! Whoo!
SEBASSIS
(to another demon) Find Artode.
The demon walks away briskly to find Artode and bumps into Fred along the way.
FRED
Hey, you want a piece of me, buddy? That's right. Keep walking. You walk alone! You walk alone!
WESLEY
(puts his arms around Fred's waist and pulls her away)
Careful. That thing's loaded.
FRED
So am I. I mean, wow. Wes. Wesley,
(puts her arms around Wesley's neck)
I am totally drunk-faced.
WESLEY
Because you can't hold your� what are you drinking?
FRED
Nothing.
WESLEY
You can't hold that.
FRED
Oh, yeah? Lightweight? How much have you had?
WESLEY
(holds up a beer bottle)
Including this, I've had... about 1/3 of a half of this beer.
FRED
That's weird, right?
WESLEY
Yes, I think so. I think that's weird.
FRED
There's Gunn. Let's go ask him if that's weird.
Fred and Wesley walk up to Gunn, who's facing away from them.
WESLEY
Hey. Hey, Gunn. Is something weird going on?
(Gunn turns toward Wesley without moving his hands, which are together just below his waist)
Charles, you just peed on my shoes.
GUNN
(looks down, confused)
I'll be damned.
(zips his zipper)
That's weird.
SPIKE
Hey, is this a great party or what?
FRED
OK, something is definitely wrong with this picture.
SPIKE
This might be the greatest song ever written.
(dances, moving his head, singing along)
WESLEY
Yes. We appear to be under the effect of something, a spell.
GUNN
Spike, how long have you been, you know... this?
SPIKE
It's great, isn't it? I don't know. Happened a bit after I talked with Angel and Lorne. Yeah. Lorne told me to think positively.
WESLEY
(snaps and points)
Lorne.
LORNE
Whoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo! Hey, kittens. Oh, that dance floor is smoking!
(everyone stares at him)
What?
Cut to:
18 INT. ANGEL'S OFFICE - NIGHT
Wesley, Fred, Gunn, and Spike take Lorne into Angel's office.
LORNE
Come on, guys. I'm telling you I did not do anything.
FRED
Angel? You in here? Ang--
ANGEL
(pops his head up from the floor behind the couch where he's naked with Eve)
Ohh! What?
SPIKE
Hey! Angel's getting some! Good on you, mate.
ANGEL
What's wrong with you?
GUNN
What's wrong with--What are you doing with that--
EVE
Hey. Watch it, pal.
WESLEY
He must be under the effect of Lorne� and Eve, too, presum- presumally.
FRED
(Snorts, points)
Prezoomally.
WESLEY
Lorne's doing it...something to all of us.
LORNE
I am not.
WESLEY
Everything he's told us to do, we're doing. Spike's thinking positive, Gunn is peeing all over the office.
FRED
And we're a little bit drunk.
WESLEY
Yes. But not because we drank, because Lorne told us to be drunk.
ANGEL
Lorne told you to pee all over the office?
GUNN
Lord, I hope so.
LORNE
This is crazy. I am not doing this. I would know if I was doing this. I don't even know what this is.
SPIKE
You know, I really love your desk.
EVE
I don't get it. I thought Lorne was just an empath demon.
GUNN
Territory! Wait. This morning, Lorne told me to stake out my territory.
WESLEY
Right. Territorial marking, taken a little too literally.
FRED
(to Angel and Eve who are making out naked in full view of the gang)
Hey, guys, keep it in your pants.
LORNE
Ohh. Hey, I did not tell Gunn to go water the ferns. I did not do anything.
GUNN
You had your sleep removed.
WESLEY
What?
GUNN
Yeah. He hasn't slept in a month.
WESLEY
Oh, dear. An empath demon deprived of sleep for that long...
LORNE
What does that have to do with it?
FRED
Something, apparently.
ANGEL
Lorne, why would you let them do that to you?
(Eve pulls him back to her)
LORNE
I had to do something, didn't I? I mean, you don't know what I've had to deal with. I'm the center of gravity in a town that's full of borderline disorder celebrities and powerbrokers. All the hand-holding and the ego-stroking and the 4 A.M. Jacuzzi strategy sessions...
(Wesley catches Gunn peeing in the corner)
I just couldn't keep up with it, even without sleeping.
ANGEL
Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you tell us? I would have--
LORNE
What? Fired me?
ANGEL
I would've helped you, which is what I'm gonna do now, OK?
(stands)
Ahh.
(realizes he's naked, uses a couch cushion to cover his privates)
LORNE
Well, I....OK.
ANGEL
Wes, Fred, go find Lorne's sleep and figure out a way to put it back in his head.
WESLEY
Yes, sir.
FRED
(salutes)
Done and doner.
Wesley picks Fred up by the waist as he walks out the door with her.
ANGEL
Lorne, you just stay tight and try not to, you know, talk.
LORNE
Angel, we still got a party going on. Someone has to make sure there's ice in the drinks.
ANGEL
Oh, right.
SPIKE
Ooh, ooh! Me! Me! I'm your people person.
ANGEL
Gunn, go on the floor, see if anyone else is under the Lorne effect.
GUNN
Check.
ANGEL
And stop with the--
GUNN
(holding his head down)
Do my best.
(walks out)
ANGEL
And, Eve, you stay here with me, and we'll have more sex.
EVE
I'm on it.
SPIKE
Brilliant plan. Excellent.
Cut to:
19 INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT
The bathroom stall where the demon was killed is covered in blue slime. Sebassis and his entourage are staring at the remains of their companion.
SLAVE
Icky.
Cut to:
20 INT. PSYCHE COMPONENT STORAGE FACILITY - NIGHT
Fred and Wesley walk in the room labeled "Psyche Component Storage Facility: Restricted Area".
WESLEY
Lorne's sleep should be in here... somewhere.
(walks toward the opposite wall)
FRED
(looks in refrigerator-like cabinets along the walls)
Lorne's sleep. Looking for Lorne's sleep.
(Wes starts looking in the cabinets as well)
You know, I think we have pretty interesting lives.
WESLEY
I'd say that's true, given the average--
FRED
And I'm having such a good time right now. We should do stuff like this more often.
(walks up to Wesley, puts her hands on his shoulder, leans in, smiling)
You know, just hang out like we used to. Friend stuff.
WESLEY
Absolutely. Frankly, I always... I always thought we'd be better friends than we are.
FRED
Oh, we should be. Let's be better friends than we are right now.
(hugs Wes with enthusiasm, smiling and giggling)
WESLEY
Great.
FRED
You know, share stuff, talk to each other, tell each other what we're thinking.
WESLEY
Yes, that would be...I would...
FRED
It would be nice. We could be confidantes. Confiding confidentially.
WESLEY
(Whispers in Fred's ear)
I've been wanting to do that for some time now.
FRED
(Giggling, whispers in Wesley's ear)
What do you think of Knox?
(Wes pulls back to look at her)
Cut to:
21 INT. ANGEL'S OFFICE - NIGHT
Sebassis and gang burst through Angel's office door carrying their weapons which resemble crossbows. Angel's still on the floor behind the couch with Eve. Spike and Lorne are still hanging out at Angel's desk.
SPIKE
What a fantastic entrance!
ANGEL
Sebassis?
SEBASSIS
The nerve, the raw nerve to lay a hand on one of mine!
ANGEL
What is this? Lower your weapons.
SEBASSIS
These darts are poisoned, vampire. Powerful enough to put you in a coma for a week. Enough to kill any one of them before their next heartbeat. You murdered Artode. I imagine we were to be next.
ANGEL
I didn't murder anyone.
SEBASSIS
Dress yourself, Angel. You have a public execution to attend.
ANGEL
(putting on his clothes)
Big mistake.
A woman screams from the lobby.
SEBASSIS
Move!
Cut to:
22 INT. LOBBY - NIGHT
The crowd clears from the dance floor as the woman's screams turn into horrified moans. Sebassis and gang lead Angel, Lorne, and Spike out into the lobby to investigate, where they find Devlin the "Human Bean" demon lying on the buffet table, either unconscious or dead.
LORNE
Oh, boy.
HARMONY
Yeah. Somebody really dipped his chip.
Sebassis points his poisoned arrow at Lorne, then Angel
ANGEL
OK, Sebassis, I don't know what's going on here, but we are not behind it.
SEBASSIS
Enough lies, vampire.
LORNE
OK, everybody, OK. Yes, the party's taking an unfortunate turn momentarily. So let's not...
(Sebassis cocks the weapon)
fight.
Cut to:
23 INT. PSYCHE COMPONENT STORAGE FACILITY - NIGHT
Wesley is researching through a book in the center of the room while Fred searches through the cabinets.
WESLEY
Sleep disorders, Edelmyer complex, Eldritch causes, Empaths.
FRED
Hey, they don't just do sleep here. Madeline Chu in accounting, she had her ennui removed. Hey, here it is. Lorne's sleep. Now I just have to find the delivery device.
WESLEY
This isn't good. "The effects of long-term sleeplessness on the subconscious mind of an empath can be catastrophic."
FRED
Catastrophic sounds not good.
WESLEY
Under normal conditions, Lorne has the ability to read people's destinies. But now I think he's writing them.
FRED
So, what, instead of receiving, he's transmitting?
WESLEY
And that's just phase one. "If you sever the empath from his subconscious for too long, that subconscious can"... it can manifest.
FRED
What do you mean, manifest?
Cut to:
24 INT. LOBBY - NIGHT
Sebassis is pointing his weapons at Angel.
LORNE
Wait! Please, wait. I'm doing this. It's me. I mean, it's not me. But I haven't been myself lately. Somehow, I'm making people do things and I'm controlling them.
(Sebassis points the weapon at Lorne)
Whoa.
SEBASSIS
Well, then, Pylean, you're making me kill you. Is that consistent with your theory?
Just then, a roar can be heard from the staircase that overlooks the lobby. A giant green creature dressed in a blue suit and purple shirt just like Lorne's jumps down from the balcony, landing right in front of Sebassis. The creature looks like a thick-necked, muscle-man version of Lorne. It growls menacingly at them.
HARMONY
Oh, my God!
LORNE
It's me.
Fade to black.
ACT IV:
25 INT. LOBBY - NIGHT
Resume. The hulking version of Lorne has presented itself threateningly to Sebassis in the middle of the party.
SPIKE
(smiling in admiration)
That's one bitchin' big suit.
Hulking Lorne smacks one of Sebassis's demons, knocking him down. Sebassis fires a poisoned dart into the massive creature but to no effect. Sebassis's slave unhooks his leash from Sebassis's belt and sneaks away while the fight goes on.
ANGEL
Lorne, what the hell is this?
LORNE
Stop it! Stop killing! Listen to me. Me!
(hulking Lorne smacks Lorne, knocking him down)
Wow, I must really hate myself.
Cut to:
26 INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT
Fred and Wesley are standing in front of the elevator.
WESLEY
Come on, come on, come on.
FRED
Did you press�
WESLEY
Oh.
(presses the call button)
Yeah. Come on, come on, come on.
Cut to:
27 INT. LOBBY - NIGHT
Hulking Lorne walks toward Sebassis, growling and glaring. Angel backs up, protecting Sebassis.
ANGEL
Sebassis, run.
Sebassis scurries off behind a pole so he can watch the goings on. Hulking Lorne smacks Angel, sending him across the room. Gunn tries to hit hulking Lorne over the head with a statue, but to no avail, hulking Lorne shoves Gunn across the room, where he lands next to Lorne.
LORNE
Ohh! Oh, sorry about that.
Sebassis tries to crawl away up the stairs, but hulking Lorne goes after him. Angel picks himself up and attacks hulking Lorne, punching him repeatedly, but not really hurting him. The lobby elevator doors open, and Wesley and Fred are inside but facing the wrong way. They turn around and walk into the lobby. Fred is carrying a gun-shaped device.
WESLEY
(pointing to hulking Lorne)
It's here! It's manifested!
FRED
Angel.
Hulking Lorne is beating Angel. Fred and Wesley walk up behind Lorne who's watching the fight with horror. Fred points the gun up in front of her.
GUNN
Shoot it, Fred. Now!
Fred turns and points the gun at Lorne's head as he watches the fight.
LORNE
Oh.
(Fred pulls the trigger and he collapses to the ground)
Oh. Ohh! Ohh.
HARMONY
Oh, my God! They shot Lorney-tunes.
LORNE
No. I'm OK. Just gonna rest my eyes a little bit.
Hulking Lorne stands over Angel, rears back, ready to pummel him, when he disappears in a puff of blue smoke. Lorne is snoring.
Cut to:
28 INT. LOBBY - DAY
Van, Lorne's assistant, is sleeping in the middle of the dance floor while someone sweeps around him.
LAWYER #1
Got to hand it to them. I think this is better than last year.
KNOX
(steps off the elevator, sees Fred collecting glasses)
Uh... We have people who do that.
FRED
Oh.
KNOX
I fixed our baby.
FRED
What?
KNOX
The stun grenade. I figured it out. What I can't figure out is why I said I'd do it tonight.
FRED
Yeah. A lot of us are having that kind of problem. I kind of wished you were here.
KNOX
Well, the night is still young. Well�I mean, no. It's over, actually. But... did you want to get a cup of coffee?
FRED
Actually, I could use a drink.
Cut to:
29 INT. ANGEL'S OFFICE - DAY
Wesley and Angel tuck Lorne in under a blanket on Angel's couch. Spike is sitting on Angel's desk next to Eve, who's talking on the cell phone.
WESLEY
That thing...I think it was a manifestation of Lorne's subconscious. It peeled away from his mind, using Lorne's supernatural powers to punch its way into our world.
ANGEL
"Punch" is the right word. Why was it trying to kill everyone?
WESLEY
I don't think it was. It may have just been processing the conflicts that Lorne normally deals with in his sleep, acting out on the emotional responses he has to the people around him.
ANGEL
(notices Eve hang up the phone and head to the door, he stands)
I guess Lorne makes some judgments after all.
(calls after Eve)
Eve. So I guess we should, I don't know, talk?
EVE
About what?
ANGEL
About what happened back there with us.
EVE
Angel, it's not like this is the first time I've had sex under a mystical influence. I went to U.C. Santa Cruz.
(walks out)
WESLEY
How you doing?
ANGEL
I don't know.
Wesley looks out into the lobby and sees Fred having a drink with Knox. He walks out past them, toward his office.
GUNN
(walks in)
Hey, I spoke with Sebassis' people. Explained what I could.
ANGEL
So what do we got? Lawsuit? Demon war?
GUNN
No. It seems like they enjoy a little blood sport at their social functions. Looks like we're OK.
ANGEL
We're not OK. We've been so focused on the dangers outside that we didn't see the ones within. This place is trying to change us, Gunn. We can't ever forget that.
GUNN
Pretty damn good party, though. I'll see you tomorrow...well, today, but later. Oh, and your chair.
ANGEL
What?
GUNN
Don't sit in it. I already called janitorial.
ANGEL
Why can't I--
SPIKE
You pissed in the big man's chair? That's fantastic!
GUNN
Spike, can you please turn off that warm fuzzy?
SPIKE
What, the Lorne thing? Wore off. I just think that's bloody fabulous.
ANGEL
All right, guys, good night. Let Lorne get some sleep, all right?
(to Spike)
Out.
SPIKE
All right. Just this once.
LORNE
Mmm. I'm sorry.
ANGEL
Hey, it's OK, Lorne. Just try and get some rest. Get some sleep.
LORNE
It's...it's hard. It's hard being the host of the party. Yeah.
ANGEL
Stop trying to be.
Fade to black.