Selfless Transcript
Buffy Episode #127: "Selfless" Transcript
Written by Drew Goddard
Original Air Date: October 22, 2002
TEASER (RECAP SEGMENT):
GILES (V.O.)
Previously on Buffy the Vampire Slayer
1 INT. BRONZE NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT
There's a troll talking to Anya, and he seems to know her from the past.
TROLL
You seem determined to put an end to all my fun. Just like you always did when we were dating!
BUFFY
You dated a troll?
ANYA
Well, he wasn't a troll then. You know, he was just a big dumb guy.
Cut to:
2 EXT. SUNNYDALE STREET IN FRONT OF MAGIC BOX - DAY
Anya and Willow are talking.
WILLOW
Where is everyone?
ANYA
At the new high school. Buffy's got some kind of job there, Spike's insane in the basement.
Cut to:
3 INT. BASEMENT AT SUNNYDALE HIGH - DAY
Spike acting crazy in the basement, holding his hands to his ears and screaming.
Cut to:
4 INT. CAVE NEAR SUNNYDALE - NIGHT
Buffy and Xander are talking to an injured Willow.
BUFFY
Willow?
WILLOW
There you are!
BUFFY
We're really glad that you're back.
Cut to:
5 INT. BRONZE NIGHT CLUB - NIGHT
Buffy, Xander and Spike are there with Nancy, trying to find out why a worm demon is chasing Nancy.
XANDER
Did you turn this nice lady's ex into a giant worm-monster?
ANYA
(laughs) Yes.
Cut to:
6 INT. ANYA'S APARTMENT - DAY
Anya and Willow are talking after doing a demon locator spell.
WILLOW
I got the impression that you enjoyed—inflicting.
ANYA
Well, causing pain sounds really cool, I know, but turns out it's really upsetting. Didn't use to be.
Cut to:
7 INT. COFFEE SHOP- DAY
Anya and Halfrek are talking over coffee.
HALFREK
It's the talk of the order. They're calling you "Miss Softserve."
ANYA
Excuse me?
HALFREK
No deaths. No eviscerations. You're not goading women into anything inventive, and you're not delivering when it is.
ANYA
It was a glitch, and I am so back in the vengeance fold.
Fade to black.
End Recap.
The Start Of Episode
Prologue:
8 INT. BUFFY'S OLD BEDROOM AT BUFFY'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Dawn is helping Willow unpack her things. She's moving into Buffy's old room.
DAWN
My advice to you is do exactly what everyone else does all the time.
WILLOW
Got it.
DAWN
Do what everyone else does, wear what everyone else wears, say what everyone else says.
WILLOW
OK.
DAWN
People may say something to you you don't understand. Just don't be afraid to keep your mouth shut and pretend like you know what they're saying.
WILLOW
(laughs) You know, Dawn, I've been to college before.
DAWN
People may say something like "My protein window closes in an hour." Just nod and smile. Mm-hmm. Turns out it has something to do with fitness.
Buffy and Xander enter the room, carrying boxes.
BUFFY
Have you talked to her lately?
XANDER
Not since that night with the Gnarl demon. And that wasn't exactly the kind of "how have you been" kind of talk. More of the "pierce its eye with something sharp" kind of talking. I'm thinking I should call her.
BUFFY
I just don't want you to get your hopes up.
XANDER
Hopes? Oh, no, no, no, no, no. There are no hopes. Anya and I are done. I love being single. I'm a strong, successful male who is giddy at the thought of all the women I will no doubt be dating in the near future.
BUFFY
Strong, successful males say "giddy"?
XANDER
I just worry about her, that's all.
WILLOW
Anya?
XANDER
Yeah, she seems so sad.
DAWN
She should try acting like everybody else more.
WILLOW
Apparently, it's what all the kids are doing nowadays.
BUFFY
Well, I'm not sure I get the sad vibe, but there's definitely a vengeance vibe worth worrying about.
XANDER
Oh, that? No, no. I don't worry about that. She was hurt and she just turned back to what she knew when I— you know. But that's not her anymore.
BUFFY
I hope you're right.
XANDER
Well, she turned that worm guy back before any real damage happened, right? It'll just take some time. I really think she's coming around.
Cut to:
9 INT. FRAT HOUSE AT U.C. SUNNYDALE - NIGHT
A boy is dead on the ground. Pan around to show several boys have been killed, their hearts ripped out of their bodies. The place is full of dead boys. Show Anya sitting in shock, looking around at the mayhem, smeared with blood.
ANYA
What have I done?
Fade to black.
End Prologue.
Opening credits and title sequence.
ACT I:
10 INT. RUSTIC MEDIEVAL HOUSE - DAY
A long-haired brunette Anya is holding a cute brown bunny. Olaf walks in and starts talking to her in Swedish language (the dialogue shown below is subtitled). He's wearing leather and animal skins. Anya is in a dress.
TITLE CARD: Sjornjost, 880.
OLAF
Aud! Sweet, beautiful Aud! I am so hungry, I could eat a small child!
ANYA
Olaf! Are you injured? You smell of blood and musk.
OLAF
Fear not! It takes more than a band of minor trolls to bring down the mighty Olaf!
ANYA
Trolls!
OLAF
Oh! They are wretched creatures indeed. The mere thought of them makes me bend at the knee and flex! (does a muscleman pose)
ANYA
Sweetheart, please sit down. Allow me to tend to you.
OLAF
I am fine. Really. I could go for some mead, though.
ANYA
Certainly.
OLAF
(looking around the room) Is it my imagination, or do we have substantially more rabbits in this house today?
ANYA
Oh, they breed so quickly that it's—
OLAF
All this talk of breeding... it makes me want to breed!
ANYA
Honey, of course. But here—drink your mead first.
OLAF
Ah, yes. Mead.
ANYA
The rapid reproductive rate of our rabbits...has given me an idea. I can give the excess out to the townspeople, exchanging them not for goods or services, but for goodwill and the sense of accomplishment that stems from selflessly giving of yourself to others.
OLAF
Ha, ha, ha! Sweet Aud! Your logic is insane and happenstance, like that of a troll. It is no wonder that the bar matrons talk of you.
ANYA
You've been to the bar...
OLAF
(sighs) It is not my fault they don't take kindly to you. You speak your mind, and are annoying. It's one of the things I love most about you.
ANYA
Was Rannveig there?
OLAF
Bah! I've told you a thousand times; I have no interest in this Rannveig. Her hips are large and load-bearing, like a Baltic woman. Your hips are narrow, like a Baltic woman from a slightly more arid region. You are my perfect Aud. I could never want for another.
ANYA
I am sorry. I simply love you so much...I feel as though I could burst at times...I could not live without you.
OLAF
Fear not, sweet Aud, you will always be my beautiful girl.
Cut to:
11 INT. FRAT HOUSE AT U.C. SUNNYDALE - NIGHT
Blood-soaked hands are washing up at a porcelain sink. The water runs red. Anya looks up from her washing and can barely face herself in the mirror.
Cut to:
12 INT. BASEMENT AT SUNNYDALE HIGH - DAY
Spike is sitting on the floor with his back to a chain link fence that's separating one area from another. He seems rather substantially more coherent and mentally stable than he's seemed recently, and definitely more sound than he's ever seemed in the basement.
SPIKE
I don't trust what I see anymore. I don't know how to explain it, exactly. It's like I've been seeing things. (pan over to show he's talking to Buffy) Dru used to see things, you know? She'd always be staring up at the sky watching cherubs burn or the heavens bleed or some nonsense. I used to stare at her and think she'd gone completely sack of hammers. But she'd see the sky when we were inside and it'd make her so happy. She'd see showers. She'd see stars. Now I see her.
Buffy's wearing a white shirt and an open, non-judgmental face.
BUFFY
(compassionate and patient) Spike.
SPIKE
I'm in trouble, Buffy.
BUFFY
I can help you.
SPIKE
I could never ask. Not after...
BUFFY
It's different. You're different.
SPIKE
I could never ask.
BUFFY
Spike, it's me. It's you and it's me, and we'll get through this.
SPIKE
Never...
Spike's nervously got his hand behind his ear, and Buffy reached to hold his hand.
BUFFY
We'll get through this.
Pan over to show someone is coming. It's Buffy, wearing a black shirt and a scowl. Spike is still sitting huddled on the floor. Alone. He seems crazy again now.
BUFFY
Spike. (he looks up, surprised) This basement is killing you. This is the hellmouth. There is something bad down here, possibly everything bad.
SPIKE
(laughs) Can't hear you. Can't hear you.
BUFFY
You have a soul? Fine. Show me.
SPIKE
Scream Montresor all you like, pet.
BUFFY
Get up and get out of this basement.
SPIKE
I don't have anywhere else to go.
Cut to:
13 EXT. U.C. SUNNYDALE CAMPUS - DAY
Willow is talking to her professor.
WILLOW
And it's not like I've been gone for that long, and I've already done all the reading that I missed. And I can sign up for—
PROFESSOR
Willow, Willow, it's OK. We'll get you caught up in no time.
WILLOW
(smiles) Really?
PROFESSOR
What am I gonna say? No, I don't want my best student back in my class? Well, of course, I noticed that drop-off in your grades at mid-term last year, and I was concerned—
WILLOW
Yeah, that was—
PROFESSOR
But then—viola. You turned it around and aced all your finals like—boom. Magic.
WILLOW
(nervous laugh) Yeah, similar to, but, um...
PROFESSOR
Look, come see me during office hours tomorrow and we'll see about what we need to do to get you caught up, all right?
WILLOW
OK. Thanks, professor. (professor leaves, Willow spots Anya and waves) Anya! Anya!
Anya is wearing a raincoat pulled tightly over her dress to hide the bloodstains as she walks out of the fraternity house into the populated campus. Willow is happy to see a friend, but Anya is nervous and distracted.
ANYA
Willow, hi! What're you doing here?
WILLOW
Oh, I'm starting back up at school again! Yeah, I can't believe how great everyone's been. I-I was a little worried, but I already have books and homework and they even said they'd give me periodic surprise quizzes just to make up for the ones that I missed, and... Wh-what're you doing here? (confused) Walking out of the fraternity house in the middle of the day?
ANYA
Uh, um... I have a new boyfriend now. He lives here.
WILLOW
That's great.
ANYA
(avoiding eye contact) Yeah, we just had lots and lots of sex.
WILLOW
OK. This is so great. I am so happy to see you've— (Anya nervously pushes a strand of hair behind her ear, and Willow sees blood on her hand) moved on.
ANYA
Yeah, we're tremendously happy together. Now, um, if you'll excuse me, I'm late for something important.
WILLOW
Uh, OK. See you later.
Willow goes to the fraternity house to check it out.
Cut to:
14 INT. FRAT HOUSE AT U.C. SUNNYDALE - NIGHT
Willow walks into the house through huge glass-paned wooden double doors. It's the Gamma Kappa Tau house.
WILLOW
Hello? Is anybo—
She looks down and sees huge bloodstains and smudges on the floor. Looking around, the house is eerily empty. She walks in further to investigate, and there are blood stains everywhere, on the walls, door, and floor. When she opens the door to an adjacent room, what she sees horrifies her. She hears a high-pitched whimper from another room and goes to investigate. It's coming from a closet. Willow opens it to see a young woman in there crying and rocking in the fetal position. She also has blood on her clothes.
YOUNG WOMAN
(crying) I take it back. I take it back. I take it back.
WILLOW
(bends down to talk to her) It's OK. You're OK.
YOUNG WOMAN
(crying) I take it back.
WILLOW
W-what do you take back?
YOUNG WOMAN
(crying) 'S gonna be a party. Everyone's gonna be there. Everyone's bringing a date. I'll have a great time. But it was just me. And them. He broke up with me in front of them. I was a game. It was all a game.
WILLOW
It's OK. You're OK now.
YOUNG WOMAN
They laughed and they laughed and I cried and they laughed. And I yelled, "Just once, I wish you could all feel what it's like to have your hearts ripped out. Just once. I wish..." (sobs) and it came.
WILLOW
(stands) OK. Come on, what came? What did this?
YOUNG WOMAN
A spider.
WILLOW
W-where did it go?
YOUNG WOMAN
What do you mean?
WILLOW
The spider. Where is it now?
As Willow talks, we see a huge (approximately 5 foot long) spider crawling up the wall behind her.
Fade to black.
ACT II:
15 INT. FRAT HOUSE AT U.C. SUNNYDALE - NIGHT
Resume. Willow is talking to the Young Woman. The spider is on the wall behind Willow. It lunges at her, and she puts her hand up for a spell.
WILLOW
Protect!
A shield of yellow light protects Willow and the Young Woman from the spider attack. Frightened, the Young Woman starts crying again. Willow, black-eyed, snaps back at the Young Woman.
WILLOW
For God's sake, shut your whimpering mouth!
The spider is trying to get through the protective barrier, and Willow magically thrusts it out through a nearby window.
WILLOW
I'm sorry.
Cut to:
16 EXT. SJORNJOST MEDIEVAL VILLAGE - DAY
Villagers are fleeing in a mob.
VILLAGE MAN
Troll!
VILLAGE WOMAN
It's the largest troll I've ever seen!
VILLAGE MAN
Run! Hide your babies and your beadwork!
TROLL
Stop!
It's Olaf (with his hammer). He's got horns and green skin now, and so no one recognizes him.
TROLL
Stop! It is Olaf!
VILLAGE MAN
The troll is doing an Olaf impersonation!
TROLL
I am Olaf!
VILLAGE MAN
Hit him with fruits and various meats.
TROLL
Aaarrrrgh!
TROLL
I am Olaf!
The villagers chase him out of town while Anya watches. D'Hoffryn steps up beside her.
D'HOFFRYN
Impressive.
ANYA
Thank you.
D'HOFFRYN
What is that? A Woodlow Transmogriphic spell?
ANYA
Thornton's Hope.
D'HOFFRYN
Thornton's Hope. But how did you get the troll element?
ANYA
Eelsbane.
D'HOFFRYN
Eelsbane. Brilliant! What'd he do?
ANYA
Bar matron. A load-bearing bar matron.
D'HOFFRYN
Is there any other kind? (Anya starts to walk off) I'm sorry. How rude of me. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is D'Hoffryn.
ANYA
I am Aud.
D'HOFFRYN
Are you? Hmm. I'm afraid you don't see your true self. You are Anyanka. I'm a patron of a family of sorts. We're vengeance demons. I'm sure you've heard of us.
ANYA
No, I'm sorry.
D'HOFFRYN
Oh, well, that's quite—
ANYA
Oh, no, don't feel bad. I, uh, I don't talk to people much. I mean, I talk to them, but they don't talk to me. Except to say that your questions are irksome, and perhaps you should take your furs and your literal interpretations to the other side of the river.
Cut to:
17 EXT. SJORNJOST MEDIEVAL VILLAGE - DAY
Olaf is chasing the mob now.
OLAF
Come here, tiny man. You are small and toy-like.
Cut to:
18 EXT. SJORNJOST MEDIEVAL VILLAGE - DAY
Resume. Anya and D'Hoffryn are talking.
D'HOFFRYN
I get the sense that your talents are not fully appreciated here, Anyanka. We'd like you to join us.
ANYA
Why do you keep calling me that? My name is Aud.
D'HOFFRYN
Perhaps, but Anyanka is who you are.
ANYA
What would I have to do?
D'HOFFRYN
What you do best. Help wronged women punish evil men.
ANYA
Vengeance.
D'HOFFRYN
But only to those who deserve it.
ANYA
They all deserve it.
D'HOFFRYN
That's where I was going with that, yeah.
Cut to:
19 INT. BUFFY'S CUBICLE AT SUNNYDALE HIGH - DAY
Buffy's at her desk, wearing the same black shirt she wore in the basement. Buffy is clearly bored, as evidenced by her balancing a pencil holder full of pencils on her forehead. The phone rings and breaks her conversation, causing her to jump and spill the pencils. She answers the phone.
BUFFY
Hello. Willow, hey! Is everything— A spider demon? Wh— h-hold on. A-are you all right? Like how? (grabs paper to write something down) Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Wait, OK, go ahead. No, no, no, no, no. It's all good. I'll get Xander to go. But seriously, you just— Whoa. Ripped out the heart? My God. Hey, did you get that physics class you wanted?
Cut to:
20 INT. ANYA'S APARTMENT - DAY
Halfrek is sitting on couch visiting, talking to Anya.
HALFREK
This is just wonderful, Anyanka. There's even talk of having some sort of ceremony. I can't tell you how many times today I've heard "Anyanka is back to her old self again." (Anya looks troubled) Honey, what is it? What's wrong?
ANYA
It's nothing. I just— There was just so much screaming, so much blood. (Hallie smiles, imagining it) I— I'd forgotten how much damage a Grimslaw demon could do.
HALFREK
Oh, tell me about it. They can be feisty little guys and impossible to house train. I mean, once they start nesting, forget— Are you OK? Oh, did something happen?
ANYA
I-I guess I'm just a little rusty. I didn't think it would hit me like this.
HALFREK
Oh, sweetie. This is perfectly normal. It's a reflex. You'll get over it in no time, trust me.
ANYA
Oh, Hallie! I can't tell you how good it is— Thank goodness you're here.
HALFREK
Oh, sweetie. Of course.
ANYA
It's just lately, with everything that's been going on, I-I've had trouble even remembering—
Willow walks into the room.
WILLOW
(sternly, to Hallie) Get out.
HALFREK
Lemon drop, if you think I'm gonna—
WILLOW
Get out.
Halfrek looks at Anya.
ANYA
It's OK.
HALFREK
Well, OK. If you need anything, you holler.
Halfrek teleports out of the apartment with her trademark exit (see 7x14 "Older and Far Away").
WILLOW
Anya, you have to stop this.
ANYA
(picks up teacups from coffee table) Do you know what they did to her? Do you? (takes teacups into the kitchen) It was a game. They were humiliating her.
WILLOW
Anya, listen to me. You're in trouble. You know it. I'm here to help you.
ANYA
(chuckles) You're here to— Well, that's great, Willow. Flayed anybody lately, have you? How quickly they forget!
WILLOW
I haven't forgotten one second of it.
ANYA
What do you want?
WILLOW
I want to help you.
ANYA
They got what they deserved.
WILLOW
No, they—
ANYA
I am a vengeance demon! Do you understand that?
WILLOW
No.
ANYA
Try! They got what they deserved.
Cut to:
21 INT. WOODS IN SUNNYDALE - DAY
Buffy and Xander are walking through the woods on a trail, looking for the spider demon. Xander is carrying a sword, and Buffy has her battle axe.
BUFFY
Thanks for side-kicking. I didn't want to trouble Willow. Figure she's got enough to do. First day back and all.
XANDER
Are you kidding? We're doing vent work at the site. Anything's better than breathing freon for eight hours. (beat) So, did she say what this thing is?
BUFFY
Some sort of spider demony thingy. She had to go pretty quickly. I think she had to sign up for classes or something.
XANDER
Ah, yes, there is little that can distract the Willow when she's on the hunt for the mighty syllabi.
BUFFY
I don't know. I guess she was a little more nervous than she was letting on.
They stumble across a boy's body. The heart has been ripped out. Xander starts hyperventilating.
XANDER
How big did she say this thing was?
BUFFY
She didn't. But I can't imagine she'd send us out if it wasn't— The heart is completely ripped out. This is our guy.
XANDER
Or a copycat spider demon. So what's this black stuff?
There's black stringy things hanging on the nearby tree. Xander touches it.
XANDER
Aw, it's sticky!
BUFFY
Willow said it was a spider demon. Maybe it's its webbing.
XANDER
This isn't springy high-flying fun.
A noise comes from the tree above them like something's moving around in it.
BUFFY
(looking up) Xander.
XANDER
Is that it?
BUFFY
I can't tell. There is definitely something moving up there.
XANDER
Maybe we can somehow lure it.
One of the sticky black webs is shot down from the tree, landing on Xander's shoulder. He dives out of the way.
BUFFY
Xander!
The spider jumps out of the tree, knocks Buffy down to the ground, and lands on top of her. She squirms, but can't get free, as the spider demon's second mouth comes out to try and bite her face. She pushes it off, and it scurries away. She grabs her battle axe off the ground and looks up in the tree for the spider demon.
BUFFY
You OK?
XANDER
Buffy, where'd it go? I think we need more swords.
BUFFY
(still looking up into the tree) Uh-huh.
XANDER
I say we go home, pick up more swords, and some sort of spidery demon protection amulet. We come back, and—
Buffy who has never stopped tracking the spider demon in the tree, throws her battle-axe up into the treetop. The spider falls to the ground with the axe in it.
XANDER
Or—
Cut to:
22 INT. BUFFY'S HOUSE - DAY
Xander and Buffy come home covered in huge scrapes and gashes.
BUFFY
I'm more concerned with where that thing came from. If there are more of those spider demons running around, we need to know about it. We should hit the research, find out if—
Buffy and Xander walk into the living room to see Willow is waiting for them.
WILLOW
I know where it came from.
Buffy and Xander sit down beside each other on the couch, facing Willow who's in the chair.
BUFFY
How many?
WILLOW
Ten, twelve.
XANDER
When were you planning on telling us?
WILLOW
I'm telling you now.
XANDER
Great. Thank you. Willow, it's Anya. How could you let us— How could you not have told us?
BUFFY
Xander...
XANDER
How could you not have told me?
BUFFY
Xander. It's OK. She didn't tell us for a reason. She didn't tell us because she knows what I have to do. (Xander looks from Willow to Buffy) I have to kill Anya.
Fade to black.
ACT III:
23 INT. BANQUET HALL - NIGHT
Generals and such are slumped over onto their dinner plates, while Anya and Halfrek chat it up at the head of the table. There is a window behind them, showing a battle going on outside. The girls are wearing Victorian outfits with feathered hats and elaborate jewelry and sipping champagne.
TITLE CARD: St. Petersburg, 1905.
HALFREK
I swear, I'm in awe of you.
ANYA
Oh, stop.
HALFREK
Oh, I will not.
ANYA
I grant wishes. It's all inside the girl. I just bring it out.
HALFREK
Yes, I'm sure this is what she had in mind.
ANYA
Well, I don't know about her mind, but it was in her heart. Besides, Russia was ready to explode. All we did is just give it a little push.
HALFREK
What should we do with the rest of our evening? I hear they're going to raze the Winter Mansion.
ANYA
Well, I thought we'd head on down to Madame Dubasov's. No better spot for vengeance than a brothel.
HALFREK
Oh, it's always work, work, work with you.
A man comes into the room on fire, and the girls don't even flinch. They just carry on their conversations without noticing him or helping him.
ANYA
Well, of course. What else is there?
HALFREK
What else is there? Why, the whole world, for one. Darling, take a look around. There's a lot to see. There's a revolution going on outside that you are somewhat responsible for. Aren't you the teeniest bit interested?
ANYA
Well, what is there to be interested in? The worker will overthrow absolutism and lead the proletariat to a victorious communist revolution, resulting in socio-economic paradise on earth. It's common sense, really. I have better things to worry about.
HALFREK
But, Anyanka, there's a whole world out there.
ANYA
Yes, filled with wronged women who need my help.
HALFREK
Oh, but you're talking work.
ANYA
I'm talking about life. Vengeance is what I do, Halfrek. I don't need anything else. Vengeance is what I am.
Cut to:
24 INT. LIVING ROOM AT BUFFY'S HOUSE - DAY
Resume conversation about Buffy killing Anya. Xander, Willow, and Buffy are talking.
BUFFY
She's not the Anya that you knew, Xander. She's a demon.
XANDER
That doesn't mean you have to kill her.
BUFFY
Don't act like this is easy for me. You know it's not.
XANDER
There are other options.
BUFFY
I've considered them.
XANDER
When? Just now? Took you all of ten seconds to decide to kill one of your best friends?
BUFFY
The thought that it might come to this has occurred to me before. It's occurred to you, too.
XANDER
But we can change what she did. Fix it. These are mystical deaths, right? There has to be something.
WILLOW
I don't have anywhere near that kind of power. I didn't have that kind of power when— And I-I don't think I trust the power I do have.
BUFFY
(to Willow) It's OK. (turns to Xander) Xander, I know this is hard for you to hear, but it's what I have to do.
XANDER
Hard for me to hear? Buffy, you wanna kill Anya!
BUFFY
I don't want to.
XANDER
Then don't! This isn't new ground for us. When our friends go all crazy and start killing people, we help them. (looks at Willow)
WILLOW
Sitting right here.
XANDER
I'm sorry. But it's true.
BUFFY
It's different.
XANDER
Because you don't care about her the same way I do. Buffy, I still love her.
BUFFY
I know. And that's why you can't see this for what it really is. Willow was different. She's a human. Anya's a demon.
XANDER
And you're the slayer. I see now how it's all very simple.
BUFFY
It is never simple.
XANDER
(stands) No, of course not. You know, if there's a mass-murdering demon that you're, oh, say, boning, then it's all gray area.
BUFFY
Spike was harmless. He was helping.
XANDER
He had no choice.
BUFFY
And Anya did! She chose to become a demon. Twice.
XANDER
You have no idea what she's going through.
BUFFY
(stands) I don't care what she's going through!
XANDER
No, of course not. You think we haven't seen all this before? The part where you just cut us all out. Just step away from everything human and act like you're the law. If you knew what I felt—
BUFFY
I killed Angel! Do you even remember that? I would have given up everything I had to be with— I loved him more than I will ever love anything in this life. And I put a sword through his heart because I had to.
WILLOW
And that all worked out OK.
BUFFY
Do you remember cheering me on? Both of you. Do you remember giving me Willow's message? Kick his ass.
WILLOW
I never said that—
XANDER
This is different—
BUFFY
It is always different! It's always complicated. And at some point, someone has to draw the line, and that is always going to be me. You get down on me for cutting myself off, but in the end the slayer is always cut off. There's no mystical guidebook. No all-knowing council. Human rules don't apply. There's only me. I am the law.
XANDER
There has to be another way.
BUFFY
Then please find it.
Xander takes his coat and leaves. Buffy goes to the tool chest and grabs a sword. She looks at Willow, wanting her to follow, but Willow doesn't move.
WILLOW
I can't. I'm sorry.
Buffy leaves the house, sword in hand.
Cut to:
25 INT. WILLOW'S ROOM AT BUFFY'S HOUSE - DAY
Willow goes to her desk and looks frantically through the drawers. Finally, she finds what she's looking for. An amulet.
Cut to:
26 INT. BATHROOM AT BUFFY'S HOUSE - DAY
Willow pours sand on the floor in a circle while chanting in Latin and holding the amulet.
WILLOW
Beatum sit in nomine D'Hoffrynis. Fiat hoc spatium porta ad mundum Arashmaharris.
A bright flash of light, then D'Hoffryn appears, facing away from Willow.
D'HOFFRYN
(low) Behold, D'Hoffryn. Lord of Arashmahar. He that turns the air to blood and rains— (turns to Willow, speaking normally) Miss Rosenberg. How lovely to see you again. Have you done something with your hair?
WILLOW
Hello, D'Hoffryn.
D'HOFFRYN
I figured I'd be hearing from you soon. The flaying of Warren Meers? Oh, truly inspired. That was water cooler vengeance. Lloyd has a sketch of it on his wall.
WILLOW
That's not me anymore.
D'HOFFRYN
Is that right? So, I didn't feel your presence earlier today? I didn't feel a bit of the old you?
WILLOW
We need to talk about Anya.
D'HOFFRYN
(growls) Very well. Let's talk about Anyanka.
Cut to:
27 INT. FRAT HOUSE AT U.C. SUNNYDALE - NIGHT
Anya is thoughtfully touching the wall where blood spattered it. A door opens.
XANDER
I thought I might find you here. Have you forced yourself to look at the bodies yet?
ANYA
What do you want?
XANDER
I want to help you.
ANYA
(sighs, walks away) Everyone is so considerate today. I should've slaughtered people weeks ago.
XANDER
I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything I did to you. Everything I put you through.
ANYA
Thank you. All better. Thank goodness you got here in time.
XANDER
You don't understand. This isn't an intervention. Buffy's coming to kill you.
ANYA
She's coming to try.
XANDER
Did everybody have their crazy flakes today? You guys are friends. How could you talk like this?
ANYA
I have a job to do. And so does Buffy. Xander, you've always seen what you wanted to. But you knew, sooner or later, it would come to this.
XANDER
(Buffy enters, and he turns to face her) Buffy, get out of here.
BUFFY
Get out of my way, Xander.
XANDER
No. (turns back to Anya)
ANYA
(in demon face) Get out of her way, Xander.
Anya backhands Xander and he falls down out of the way. Buffy lunges at her with the sword, but Anya pushes her off. They continue to fight during the dialogue.
ANYA
This is getting to be a pattern with you, Buffy. Are there any friends of your left you haven't tried to kill? (fighting) C'mon, Buffy. Don't you have a clever retort for me? (fighting)
The fighting is fairly even, or Anya may appear to have the slight upper hand. Buffy is thrown onto the floor. She looks up at Anya.
BUFFY
Anya, I'm sorry. (stands)
ANYA
You're apologizing to me. What fight are you watching? Or is this like one of your little pop-culture references I don't get, 'cause I'm a vengeance—
Anya lunges at Buffy who presses her against the wall and stabs her in the heart with her sword. Anya groans.
Fade to black.
ACT IV:
28 INT. XANDER'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Xander is asleep in a recliner and Anya's on the couch reading. Xander's talking in his sleep.
XANDER
(asleep) I just want... happy... ending...
ANYA
Honey? Honey?
XANDER
(asleep) What? I'm awake. I'm OK.
ANYA
Honey? Was that weird? That thing earlier with the singing... and the coconuts.
XANDER
(asleep) What? No, it's fine.
Singing can be heard through the balcony window.
NEIGHBOR MAN (O.S.)
(singing) Oh, no. Mustard on my shirt.
NEIGHBOR WOMAN (O.S.)
(singing) Mustard. I'll never get it out.
NEIGHBOR MAN (O.S.)
(singing) My favorite red shirt.
NEIGHBOR WOMAN (O.S.)
(singing) Dry clean it.
NEIGHBOR MAN (O.S.)
(singing) How could you serve—
NEIGHBORS (O.S.)
(singing) Mustard.
Anya shuts the balcony door.
ANYA
Are you still hungry? Because I'd be— (looks fondly at Xander sleeping)
(singing) Mr. Xander Harris. (walks to him)
That's what he is to the world outside.
That's the name he carries with pride. (puts away his hard hat and tool box)
I'm just lately Anya.
Not very much to the world, I know.
All these years with nothing to show. (puts away his shoes)
I've boned a troll, I've wreaked some wrath,
But on the whole, I've had no path. (twirling)
I like to bowl, I'm good with math,
But who am I? (kneeling)
Now I reply that
I'm the Missis (looks at engagement ring)
I will be his Missis.
Mrs. Anya Christina Emanuella Jenkins Harris. (twirling, dancing)
What's the point of loving...
I mean except for the sweaty part. (gathers pillows)
What's the point of losing your heart?
Maybe if you're lucky
Being a pair makes you twice as tall. (gathers a blanket)
Maybe you're not losing at all. (opens blanket)
No need to cover up my heart, (spreads blanket on Xander)
Plus see above RE: sweaty part.
So maybe love is pretty smart
And so am I
I found my guy!
And I'll be Missis (sits on his lap while the recliner spins)
I will be his Missis
Mrs. Anya Lame-Ass-Made-Up-Maiden-Name Harris.
We'll never part (walks into the kitchen)
Not if we can
And if we start
Then here's my plan
I'll show him what bliss is
Welcome him with kisses
'Cause this is a Missis who misses her man
He's my Xander
And he's awfully swell
It makes financial sense as well,
Although he can be—I'll never tell—
Just stand aside
Here comes the bride (goes through the balcony door, and is suddenly in a wedding gown)
I'll be Missis.
I will be his Missis
I will be—
Cut to:
29 INT. FRAT HOUSE AT U.C. SUNNYDALE - NIGHT
Resume. Buffy has just stabbed Anya through the heart with her sword. Anya, in human face, is slumped, but hasn't fallen. Xander regains consciousness and is still on the floor. He looks over and sees Anya's condition.
XANDER
Anya!
Anya face is tear-streaked and bloody. Suddenly, she gasps for air and opens her eyes. She looks down at the sword in her chest.
ANYA
Forgotten how much swords through the chest hurt. (pulls it out) Aaahh! (breathes heavily) You know better than that, Buffy. It takes a lot more to kill a vengeance demon.
BUFFY
Oh, I'm just getting started.
Anya comes at Buffy with the sword. Buffy pushes a stool at her, knocking her off balance. She falls to the floor, dropping the sword. Anya's lying with her back on the floor. Buffy takes the sword, straddles Anya, and prepares for another thorough double-fisted stabbing of Anya. Xander pushes Buffy out of the way. They all stand up.
ANYA
Stop trying to save me, Xander!
Lightening bolts flash in the room knocking everyone down, then D'Hoffryn appears.
D'HOFFRYN
Oh, please, don't mind me. Continue with whatever it was you were doing. (walks to look in an adjacent room) Oh, breathtaking. It's like somebody slaughtered an Abercrombie and Fitch catalog. (Buffy stands and grabs her sword) Easy now. I'd be gone before you could swing. (sighs, offers a hand to Anya to help her stand) Isn't that just like a slayer. Solving all her problems by sticking things with sharp objects. I talked to your friend, Miss Rosenberg. She's a firebrand. I have high hopes for her.
XANDER
Stay away from Willow.
D'HOFFRYN
(to Anya) Oh, he's gallant, isn't he. I understand what you saw in him. (to all) Look, Miss Rosenberg seems to think Anyanka would be better suited outside the vengeance fold. I think we already know what Lady HacksAway wants. And the young man, he sees with the eyeballs of love. But I'm not sure if anyone's bothered to find out what Anyanka herself really wants.
XANDER
Her name is Anya.
D'HOFFRYN
Actually, funny historical side-bar, her original name was—
ANYA
(crying) I wanna take it back.
D'HOFFRYN
I'm sorry. What was that?
ANYA
I wanna take it back. I wanna undo what I did.
D'HOFFRYN
Hmm. You want to take it back. Must be twelve bodies in there. Such a thing—not easily done. But not impossible. You're a big girl, Anyanka. You understand how this works. The proverbial scales must balance. In order to restore the lives of the victims, the fates require a sacrifice. The life and soul of a vengeance demon.
ANYA
Do it.
XANDER
Wait!
ANYA
Stay out of this Xander.
XANDER
OK, all right. That seems smart. He just said you have to die! Perhaps there's some sort of alternate price.
ANYA
Xander, you can't help me. I'm not even sure there's a me to help. (to D'Hoffryn) I understand the price. Do it.
D'HOFFRYN
You're sure? This is your wish?
ANYA
This is my wish. Undo what I did.
D'HOFFRYN
Very well.
D'Hoffryn gestures with his hands, and a flash of light appears.
XANDER
No!
Where the flash was, Halfrek shows up, smiling sweetly.
HALFREK
Anya!
Anya looks at D'Hoffryn, realizing what's going to happen.
ANYA
Hallie!
Halfrek bursts into flames and light shoots out of her eyes. She shrieks and disappears. Anya starts to cry as D'Hoffryn berates her.
D'HOFFRYN
Who did you think you were dealing with? Did you think it would be that easy to get away?
ANYA
Why?
D'HOFFRYN
Why? Because you wished it!
ANYA
But she was yours.
D'HOFFRYN
Like you were mine? Haven't I taught you anything, Anya? Never go for the kill when you can go for the pain. (Xander starts for D'Hoffryn, but Buffy stops him) Hold him back, Slayer. Wouldn't want anyone to get hurt. I've got plenty of girls. There will always be vengeance demons. But now you, Anya, you're out. Congratulations. You're wish is granted.
ANYA
You should've killed me.
D'HOFFRYN
Oh, I wouldn't worry about that. From beneath you, it devours. Be patient. All good things in time.
In a flash, D'Hoffryn disappears. Anya looks at Xander and Buffy and walks out.
BUFFY
(to Xander) Go. I'll check on the boys.
Cut to:
30 EXT. FRAT HOUSE AT U.C. SUNNYDALE - NIGHT
Xander follows Anya outside the fraternity house.
XANDER
Anya, wait.
ANYA
Xander, please. Just go away.
XANDER
Whatever's between us—it doesn't matter. You shouldn't be alone in this.
ANYA
Yes, I should. My whole life, I've just clung to whatever came along.
XANDER
Well, speaking as a cling-ee— I kinda didn't mind.
ANYA
Thanks. For everything.
Xander nods, realizing that this is her rejecting his offer to help.
ANYA
Xander— what if I'm really nobody?
XANDER
Don't be a dope.
ANYA
I'm a dope?
XANDER
Sometimes.
ANYA
That's a start.
Xander walks away, leaving a teary-eyed Anya to deal alone.
Cut to:
Closing credits.
Written by Drew Goddard
Original Air Date: October 22, 2002
TEASER (RECAP SEGMENT):
GILES (V.O.)
Previously on Buffy the Vampire Slayer
1 INT. BRONZE NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT
There's a troll talking to Anya, and he seems to know her from the past.
TROLL
You seem determined to put an end to all my fun. Just like you always did when we were dating!
BUFFY
You dated a troll?
ANYA
Well, he wasn't a troll then. You know, he was just a big dumb guy.
Cut to:
2 EXT. SUNNYDALE STREET IN FRONT OF MAGIC BOX - DAY
Anya and Willow are talking.
WILLOW
Where is everyone?
ANYA
At the new high school. Buffy's got some kind of job there, Spike's insane in the basement.
Cut to:
3 INT. BASEMENT AT SUNNYDALE HIGH - DAY
Spike acting crazy in the basement, holding his hands to his ears and screaming.
Cut to:
4 INT. CAVE NEAR SUNNYDALE - NIGHT
Buffy and Xander are talking to an injured Willow.
BUFFY
Willow?
WILLOW
There you are!
BUFFY
We're really glad that you're back.
Cut to:
5 INT. BRONZE NIGHT CLUB - NIGHT
Buffy, Xander and Spike are there with Nancy, trying to find out why a worm demon is chasing Nancy.
XANDER
Did you turn this nice lady's ex into a giant worm-monster?
ANYA
(laughs) Yes.
Cut to:
6 INT. ANYA'S APARTMENT - DAY
Anya and Willow are talking after doing a demon locator spell.
WILLOW
I got the impression that you enjoyed—inflicting.
ANYA
Well, causing pain sounds really cool, I know, but turns out it's really upsetting. Didn't use to be.
Cut to:
7 INT. COFFEE SHOP- DAY
Anya and Halfrek are talking over coffee.
HALFREK
It's the talk of the order. They're calling you "Miss Softserve."
ANYA
Excuse me?
HALFREK
No deaths. No eviscerations. You're not goading women into anything inventive, and you're not delivering when it is.
ANYA
It was a glitch, and I am so back in the vengeance fold.
Fade to black.
End Recap.
The Start Of Episode
Prologue:
8 INT. BUFFY'S OLD BEDROOM AT BUFFY'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Dawn is helping Willow unpack her things. She's moving into Buffy's old room.
DAWN
My advice to you is do exactly what everyone else does all the time.
WILLOW
Got it.
DAWN
Do what everyone else does, wear what everyone else wears, say what everyone else says.
WILLOW
OK.
DAWN
People may say something to you you don't understand. Just don't be afraid to keep your mouth shut and pretend like you know what they're saying.
WILLOW
(laughs) You know, Dawn, I've been to college before.
DAWN
People may say something like "My protein window closes in an hour." Just nod and smile. Mm-hmm. Turns out it has something to do with fitness.
Buffy and Xander enter the room, carrying boxes.
BUFFY
Have you talked to her lately?
XANDER
Not since that night with the Gnarl demon. And that wasn't exactly the kind of "how have you been" kind of talk. More of the "pierce its eye with something sharp" kind of talking. I'm thinking I should call her.
BUFFY
I just don't want you to get your hopes up.
XANDER
Hopes? Oh, no, no, no, no, no. There are no hopes. Anya and I are done. I love being single. I'm a strong, successful male who is giddy at the thought of all the women I will no doubt be dating in the near future.
BUFFY
Strong, successful males say "giddy"?
XANDER
I just worry about her, that's all.
WILLOW
Anya?
XANDER
Yeah, she seems so sad.
DAWN
She should try acting like everybody else more.
WILLOW
Apparently, it's what all the kids are doing nowadays.
BUFFY
Well, I'm not sure I get the sad vibe, but there's definitely a vengeance vibe worth worrying about.
XANDER
Oh, that? No, no. I don't worry about that. She was hurt and she just turned back to what she knew when I— you know. But that's not her anymore.
BUFFY
I hope you're right.
XANDER
Well, she turned that worm guy back before any real damage happened, right? It'll just take some time. I really think she's coming around.
Cut to:
9 INT. FRAT HOUSE AT U.C. SUNNYDALE - NIGHT
A boy is dead on the ground. Pan around to show several boys have been killed, their hearts ripped out of their bodies. The place is full of dead boys. Show Anya sitting in shock, looking around at the mayhem, smeared with blood.
ANYA
What have I done?
Fade to black.
End Prologue.
Opening credits and title sequence.
ACT I:
10 INT. RUSTIC MEDIEVAL HOUSE - DAY
A long-haired brunette Anya is holding a cute brown bunny. Olaf walks in and starts talking to her in Swedish language (the dialogue shown below is subtitled). He's wearing leather and animal skins. Anya is in a dress.
TITLE CARD: Sjornjost, 880.
OLAF
Aud! Sweet, beautiful Aud! I am so hungry, I could eat a small child!
ANYA
Olaf! Are you injured? You smell of blood and musk.
OLAF
Fear not! It takes more than a band of minor trolls to bring down the mighty Olaf!
ANYA
Trolls!
OLAF
Oh! They are wretched creatures indeed. The mere thought of them makes me bend at the knee and flex! (does a muscleman pose)
ANYA
Sweetheart, please sit down. Allow me to tend to you.
OLAF
I am fine. Really. I could go for some mead, though.
ANYA
Certainly.
OLAF
(looking around the room) Is it my imagination, or do we have substantially more rabbits in this house today?
ANYA
Oh, they breed so quickly that it's—
OLAF
All this talk of breeding... it makes me want to breed!
ANYA
Honey, of course. But here—drink your mead first.
OLAF
Ah, yes. Mead.
ANYA
The rapid reproductive rate of our rabbits...has given me an idea. I can give the excess out to the townspeople, exchanging them not for goods or services, but for goodwill and the sense of accomplishment that stems from selflessly giving of yourself to others.
OLAF
Ha, ha, ha! Sweet Aud! Your logic is insane and happenstance, like that of a troll. It is no wonder that the bar matrons talk of you.
ANYA
You've been to the bar...
OLAF
(sighs) It is not my fault they don't take kindly to you. You speak your mind, and are annoying. It's one of the things I love most about you.
ANYA
Was Rannveig there?
OLAF
Bah! I've told you a thousand times; I have no interest in this Rannveig. Her hips are large and load-bearing, like a Baltic woman. Your hips are narrow, like a Baltic woman from a slightly more arid region. You are my perfect Aud. I could never want for another.
ANYA
I am sorry. I simply love you so much...I feel as though I could burst at times...I could not live without you.
OLAF
Fear not, sweet Aud, you will always be my beautiful girl.
Cut to:
11 INT. FRAT HOUSE AT U.C. SUNNYDALE - NIGHT
Blood-soaked hands are washing up at a porcelain sink. The water runs red. Anya looks up from her washing and can barely face herself in the mirror.
Cut to:
12 INT. BASEMENT AT SUNNYDALE HIGH - DAY
Spike is sitting on the floor with his back to a chain link fence that's separating one area from another. He seems rather substantially more coherent and mentally stable than he's seemed recently, and definitely more sound than he's ever seemed in the basement.
SPIKE
I don't trust what I see anymore. I don't know how to explain it, exactly. It's like I've been seeing things. (pan over to show he's talking to Buffy) Dru used to see things, you know? She'd always be staring up at the sky watching cherubs burn or the heavens bleed or some nonsense. I used to stare at her and think she'd gone completely sack of hammers. But she'd see the sky when we were inside and it'd make her so happy. She'd see showers. She'd see stars. Now I see her.
Buffy's wearing a white shirt and an open, non-judgmental face.
BUFFY
(compassionate and patient) Spike.
SPIKE
I'm in trouble, Buffy.
BUFFY
I can help you.
SPIKE
I could never ask. Not after...
BUFFY
It's different. You're different.
SPIKE
I could never ask.
BUFFY
Spike, it's me. It's you and it's me, and we'll get through this.
SPIKE
Never...
Spike's nervously got his hand behind his ear, and Buffy reached to hold his hand.
BUFFY
We'll get through this.
Pan over to show someone is coming. It's Buffy, wearing a black shirt and a scowl. Spike is still sitting huddled on the floor. Alone. He seems crazy again now.
BUFFY
Spike. (he looks up, surprised) This basement is killing you. This is the hellmouth. There is something bad down here, possibly everything bad.
SPIKE
(laughs) Can't hear you. Can't hear you.
BUFFY
You have a soul? Fine. Show me.
SPIKE
Scream Montresor all you like, pet.
BUFFY
Get up and get out of this basement.
SPIKE
I don't have anywhere else to go.
Cut to:
13 EXT. U.C. SUNNYDALE CAMPUS - DAY
Willow is talking to her professor.
WILLOW
And it's not like I've been gone for that long, and I've already done all the reading that I missed. And I can sign up for—
PROFESSOR
Willow, Willow, it's OK. We'll get you caught up in no time.
WILLOW
(smiles) Really?
PROFESSOR
What am I gonna say? No, I don't want my best student back in my class? Well, of course, I noticed that drop-off in your grades at mid-term last year, and I was concerned—
WILLOW
Yeah, that was—
PROFESSOR
But then—viola. You turned it around and aced all your finals like—boom. Magic.
WILLOW
(nervous laugh) Yeah, similar to, but, um...
PROFESSOR
Look, come see me during office hours tomorrow and we'll see about what we need to do to get you caught up, all right?
WILLOW
OK. Thanks, professor. (professor leaves, Willow spots Anya and waves) Anya! Anya!
Anya is wearing a raincoat pulled tightly over her dress to hide the bloodstains as she walks out of the fraternity house into the populated campus. Willow is happy to see a friend, but Anya is nervous and distracted.
ANYA
Willow, hi! What're you doing here?
WILLOW
Oh, I'm starting back up at school again! Yeah, I can't believe how great everyone's been. I-I was a little worried, but I already have books and homework and they even said they'd give me periodic surprise quizzes just to make up for the ones that I missed, and... Wh-what're you doing here? (confused) Walking out of the fraternity house in the middle of the day?
ANYA
Uh, um... I have a new boyfriend now. He lives here.
WILLOW
That's great.
ANYA
(avoiding eye contact) Yeah, we just had lots and lots of sex.
WILLOW
OK. This is so great. I am so happy to see you've— (Anya nervously pushes a strand of hair behind her ear, and Willow sees blood on her hand) moved on.
ANYA
Yeah, we're tremendously happy together. Now, um, if you'll excuse me, I'm late for something important.
WILLOW
Uh, OK. See you later.
Willow goes to the fraternity house to check it out.
Cut to:
14 INT. FRAT HOUSE AT U.C. SUNNYDALE - NIGHT
Willow walks into the house through huge glass-paned wooden double doors. It's the Gamma Kappa Tau house.
WILLOW
Hello? Is anybo—
She looks down and sees huge bloodstains and smudges on the floor. Looking around, the house is eerily empty. She walks in further to investigate, and there are blood stains everywhere, on the walls, door, and floor. When she opens the door to an adjacent room, what she sees horrifies her. She hears a high-pitched whimper from another room and goes to investigate. It's coming from a closet. Willow opens it to see a young woman in there crying and rocking in the fetal position. She also has blood on her clothes.
YOUNG WOMAN
(crying) I take it back. I take it back. I take it back.
WILLOW
(bends down to talk to her) It's OK. You're OK.
YOUNG WOMAN
(crying) I take it back.
WILLOW
W-what do you take back?
YOUNG WOMAN
(crying) 'S gonna be a party. Everyone's gonna be there. Everyone's bringing a date. I'll have a great time. But it was just me. And them. He broke up with me in front of them. I was a game. It was all a game.
WILLOW
It's OK. You're OK now.
YOUNG WOMAN
They laughed and they laughed and I cried and they laughed. And I yelled, "Just once, I wish you could all feel what it's like to have your hearts ripped out. Just once. I wish..." (sobs) and it came.
WILLOW
(stands) OK. Come on, what came? What did this?
YOUNG WOMAN
A spider.
WILLOW
W-where did it go?
YOUNG WOMAN
What do you mean?
WILLOW
The spider. Where is it now?
As Willow talks, we see a huge (approximately 5 foot long) spider crawling up the wall behind her.
Fade to black.
ACT II:
15 INT. FRAT HOUSE AT U.C. SUNNYDALE - NIGHT
Resume. Willow is talking to the Young Woman. The spider is on the wall behind Willow. It lunges at her, and she puts her hand up for a spell.
WILLOW
Protect!
A shield of yellow light protects Willow and the Young Woman from the spider attack. Frightened, the Young Woman starts crying again. Willow, black-eyed, snaps back at the Young Woman.
WILLOW
For God's sake, shut your whimpering mouth!
The spider is trying to get through the protective barrier, and Willow magically thrusts it out through a nearby window.
WILLOW
I'm sorry.
Cut to:
16 EXT. SJORNJOST MEDIEVAL VILLAGE - DAY
Villagers are fleeing in a mob.
VILLAGE MAN
Troll!
VILLAGE WOMAN
It's the largest troll I've ever seen!
VILLAGE MAN
Run! Hide your babies and your beadwork!
TROLL
Stop!
It's Olaf (with his hammer). He's got horns and green skin now, and so no one recognizes him.
TROLL
Stop! It is Olaf!
VILLAGE MAN
The troll is doing an Olaf impersonation!
TROLL
I am Olaf!
VILLAGE MAN
Hit him with fruits and various meats.
TROLL
Aaarrrrgh!
TROLL
I am Olaf!
The villagers chase him out of town while Anya watches. D'Hoffryn steps up beside her.
D'HOFFRYN
Impressive.
ANYA
Thank you.
D'HOFFRYN
What is that? A Woodlow Transmogriphic spell?
ANYA
Thornton's Hope.
D'HOFFRYN
Thornton's Hope. But how did you get the troll element?
ANYA
Eelsbane.
D'HOFFRYN
Eelsbane. Brilliant! What'd he do?
ANYA
Bar matron. A load-bearing bar matron.
D'HOFFRYN
Is there any other kind? (Anya starts to walk off) I'm sorry. How rude of me. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is D'Hoffryn.
ANYA
I am Aud.
D'HOFFRYN
Are you? Hmm. I'm afraid you don't see your true self. You are Anyanka. I'm a patron of a family of sorts. We're vengeance demons. I'm sure you've heard of us.
ANYA
No, I'm sorry.
D'HOFFRYN
Oh, well, that's quite—
ANYA
Oh, no, don't feel bad. I, uh, I don't talk to people much. I mean, I talk to them, but they don't talk to me. Except to say that your questions are irksome, and perhaps you should take your furs and your literal interpretations to the other side of the river.
Cut to:
17 EXT. SJORNJOST MEDIEVAL VILLAGE - DAY
Olaf is chasing the mob now.
OLAF
Come here, tiny man. You are small and toy-like.
Cut to:
18 EXT. SJORNJOST MEDIEVAL VILLAGE - DAY
Resume. Anya and D'Hoffryn are talking.
D'HOFFRYN
I get the sense that your talents are not fully appreciated here, Anyanka. We'd like you to join us.
ANYA
Why do you keep calling me that? My name is Aud.
D'HOFFRYN
Perhaps, but Anyanka is who you are.
ANYA
What would I have to do?
D'HOFFRYN
What you do best. Help wronged women punish evil men.
ANYA
Vengeance.
D'HOFFRYN
But only to those who deserve it.
ANYA
They all deserve it.
D'HOFFRYN
That's where I was going with that, yeah.
Cut to:
19 INT. BUFFY'S CUBICLE AT SUNNYDALE HIGH - DAY
Buffy's at her desk, wearing the same black shirt she wore in the basement. Buffy is clearly bored, as evidenced by her balancing a pencil holder full of pencils on her forehead. The phone rings and breaks her conversation, causing her to jump and spill the pencils. She answers the phone.
BUFFY
Hello. Willow, hey! Is everything— A spider demon? Wh— h-hold on. A-are you all right? Like how? (grabs paper to write something down) Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Wait, OK, go ahead. No, no, no, no, no. It's all good. I'll get Xander to go. But seriously, you just— Whoa. Ripped out the heart? My God. Hey, did you get that physics class you wanted?
Cut to:
20 INT. ANYA'S APARTMENT - DAY
Halfrek is sitting on couch visiting, talking to Anya.
HALFREK
This is just wonderful, Anyanka. There's even talk of having some sort of ceremony. I can't tell you how many times today I've heard "Anyanka is back to her old self again." (Anya looks troubled) Honey, what is it? What's wrong?
ANYA
It's nothing. I just— There was just so much screaming, so much blood. (Hallie smiles, imagining it) I— I'd forgotten how much damage a Grimslaw demon could do.
HALFREK
Oh, tell me about it. They can be feisty little guys and impossible to house train. I mean, once they start nesting, forget— Are you OK? Oh, did something happen?
ANYA
I-I guess I'm just a little rusty. I didn't think it would hit me like this.
HALFREK
Oh, sweetie. This is perfectly normal. It's a reflex. You'll get over it in no time, trust me.
ANYA
Oh, Hallie! I can't tell you how good it is— Thank goodness you're here.
HALFREK
Oh, sweetie. Of course.
ANYA
It's just lately, with everything that's been going on, I-I've had trouble even remembering—
Willow walks into the room.
WILLOW
(sternly, to Hallie) Get out.
HALFREK
Lemon drop, if you think I'm gonna—
WILLOW
Get out.
Halfrek looks at Anya.
ANYA
It's OK.
HALFREK
Well, OK. If you need anything, you holler.
Halfrek teleports out of the apartment with her trademark exit (see 7x14 "Older and Far Away").
WILLOW
Anya, you have to stop this.
ANYA
(picks up teacups from coffee table) Do you know what they did to her? Do you? (takes teacups into the kitchen) It was a game. They were humiliating her.
WILLOW
Anya, listen to me. You're in trouble. You know it. I'm here to help you.
ANYA
(chuckles) You're here to— Well, that's great, Willow. Flayed anybody lately, have you? How quickly they forget!
WILLOW
I haven't forgotten one second of it.
ANYA
What do you want?
WILLOW
I want to help you.
ANYA
They got what they deserved.
WILLOW
No, they—
ANYA
I am a vengeance demon! Do you understand that?
WILLOW
No.
ANYA
Try! They got what they deserved.
Cut to:
21 INT. WOODS IN SUNNYDALE - DAY
Buffy and Xander are walking through the woods on a trail, looking for the spider demon. Xander is carrying a sword, and Buffy has her battle axe.
BUFFY
Thanks for side-kicking. I didn't want to trouble Willow. Figure she's got enough to do. First day back and all.
XANDER
Are you kidding? We're doing vent work at the site. Anything's better than breathing freon for eight hours. (beat) So, did she say what this thing is?
BUFFY
Some sort of spider demony thingy. She had to go pretty quickly. I think she had to sign up for classes or something.
XANDER
Ah, yes, there is little that can distract the Willow when she's on the hunt for the mighty syllabi.
BUFFY
I don't know. I guess she was a little more nervous than she was letting on.
They stumble across a boy's body. The heart has been ripped out. Xander starts hyperventilating.
XANDER
How big did she say this thing was?
BUFFY
She didn't. But I can't imagine she'd send us out if it wasn't— The heart is completely ripped out. This is our guy.
XANDER
Or a copycat spider demon. So what's this black stuff?
There's black stringy things hanging on the nearby tree. Xander touches it.
XANDER
Aw, it's sticky!
BUFFY
Willow said it was a spider demon. Maybe it's its webbing.
XANDER
This isn't springy high-flying fun.
A noise comes from the tree above them like something's moving around in it.
BUFFY
(looking up) Xander.
XANDER
Is that it?
BUFFY
I can't tell. There is definitely something moving up there.
XANDER
Maybe we can somehow lure it.
One of the sticky black webs is shot down from the tree, landing on Xander's shoulder. He dives out of the way.
BUFFY
Xander!
The spider jumps out of the tree, knocks Buffy down to the ground, and lands on top of her. She squirms, but can't get free, as the spider demon's second mouth comes out to try and bite her face. She pushes it off, and it scurries away. She grabs her battle axe off the ground and looks up in the tree for the spider demon.
BUFFY
You OK?
XANDER
Buffy, where'd it go? I think we need more swords.
BUFFY
(still looking up into the tree) Uh-huh.
XANDER
I say we go home, pick up more swords, and some sort of spidery demon protection amulet. We come back, and—
Buffy who has never stopped tracking the spider demon in the tree, throws her battle-axe up into the treetop. The spider falls to the ground with the axe in it.
XANDER
Or—
Cut to:
22 INT. BUFFY'S HOUSE - DAY
Xander and Buffy come home covered in huge scrapes and gashes.
BUFFY
I'm more concerned with where that thing came from. If there are more of those spider demons running around, we need to know about it. We should hit the research, find out if—
Buffy and Xander walk into the living room to see Willow is waiting for them.
WILLOW
I know where it came from.
Buffy and Xander sit down beside each other on the couch, facing Willow who's in the chair.
BUFFY
How many?
WILLOW
Ten, twelve.
XANDER
When were you planning on telling us?
WILLOW
I'm telling you now.
XANDER
Great. Thank you. Willow, it's Anya. How could you let us— How could you not have told us?
BUFFY
Xander...
XANDER
How could you not have told me?
BUFFY
Xander. It's OK. She didn't tell us for a reason. She didn't tell us because she knows what I have to do. (Xander looks from Willow to Buffy) I have to kill Anya.
Fade to black.
ACT III:
23 INT. BANQUET HALL - NIGHT
Generals and such are slumped over onto their dinner plates, while Anya and Halfrek chat it up at the head of the table. There is a window behind them, showing a battle going on outside. The girls are wearing Victorian outfits with feathered hats and elaborate jewelry and sipping champagne.
TITLE CARD: St. Petersburg, 1905.
HALFREK
I swear, I'm in awe of you.
ANYA
Oh, stop.
HALFREK
Oh, I will not.
ANYA
I grant wishes. It's all inside the girl. I just bring it out.
HALFREK
Yes, I'm sure this is what she had in mind.
ANYA
Well, I don't know about her mind, but it was in her heart. Besides, Russia was ready to explode. All we did is just give it a little push.
HALFREK
What should we do with the rest of our evening? I hear they're going to raze the Winter Mansion.
ANYA
Well, I thought we'd head on down to Madame Dubasov's. No better spot for vengeance than a brothel.
HALFREK
Oh, it's always work, work, work with you.
A man comes into the room on fire, and the girls don't even flinch. They just carry on their conversations without noticing him or helping him.
ANYA
Well, of course. What else is there?
HALFREK
What else is there? Why, the whole world, for one. Darling, take a look around. There's a lot to see. There's a revolution going on outside that you are somewhat responsible for. Aren't you the teeniest bit interested?
ANYA
Well, what is there to be interested in? The worker will overthrow absolutism and lead the proletariat to a victorious communist revolution, resulting in socio-economic paradise on earth. It's common sense, really. I have better things to worry about.
HALFREK
But, Anyanka, there's a whole world out there.
ANYA
Yes, filled with wronged women who need my help.
HALFREK
Oh, but you're talking work.
ANYA
I'm talking about life. Vengeance is what I do, Halfrek. I don't need anything else. Vengeance is what I am.
Cut to:
24 INT. LIVING ROOM AT BUFFY'S HOUSE - DAY
Resume conversation about Buffy killing Anya. Xander, Willow, and Buffy are talking.
BUFFY
She's not the Anya that you knew, Xander. She's a demon.
XANDER
That doesn't mean you have to kill her.
BUFFY
Don't act like this is easy for me. You know it's not.
XANDER
There are other options.
BUFFY
I've considered them.
XANDER
When? Just now? Took you all of ten seconds to decide to kill one of your best friends?
BUFFY
The thought that it might come to this has occurred to me before. It's occurred to you, too.
XANDER
But we can change what she did. Fix it. These are mystical deaths, right? There has to be something.
WILLOW
I don't have anywhere near that kind of power. I didn't have that kind of power when— And I-I don't think I trust the power I do have.
BUFFY
(to Willow) It's OK. (turns to Xander) Xander, I know this is hard for you to hear, but it's what I have to do.
XANDER
Hard for me to hear? Buffy, you wanna kill Anya!
BUFFY
I don't want to.
XANDER
Then don't! This isn't new ground for us. When our friends go all crazy and start killing people, we help them. (looks at Willow)
WILLOW
Sitting right here.
XANDER
I'm sorry. But it's true.
BUFFY
It's different.
XANDER
Because you don't care about her the same way I do. Buffy, I still love her.
BUFFY
I know. And that's why you can't see this for what it really is. Willow was different. She's a human. Anya's a demon.
XANDER
And you're the slayer. I see now how it's all very simple.
BUFFY
It is never simple.
XANDER
(stands) No, of course not. You know, if there's a mass-murdering demon that you're, oh, say, boning, then it's all gray area.
BUFFY
Spike was harmless. He was helping.
XANDER
He had no choice.
BUFFY
And Anya did! She chose to become a demon. Twice.
XANDER
You have no idea what she's going through.
BUFFY
(stands) I don't care what she's going through!
XANDER
No, of course not. You think we haven't seen all this before? The part where you just cut us all out. Just step away from everything human and act like you're the law. If you knew what I felt—
BUFFY
I killed Angel! Do you even remember that? I would have given up everything I had to be with— I loved him more than I will ever love anything in this life. And I put a sword through his heart because I had to.
WILLOW
And that all worked out OK.
BUFFY
Do you remember cheering me on? Both of you. Do you remember giving me Willow's message? Kick his ass.
WILLOW
I never said that—
XANDER
This is different—
BUFFY
It is always different! It's always complicated. And at some point, someone has to draw the line, and that is always going to be me. You get down on me for cutting myself off, but in the end the slayer is always cut off. There's no mystical guidebook. No all-knowing council. Human rules don't apply. There's only me. I am the law.
XANDER
There has to be another way.
BUFFY
Then please find it.
Xander takes his coat and leaves. Buffy goes to the tool chest and grabs a sword. She looks at Willow, wanting her to follow, but Willow doesn't move.
WILLOW
I can't. I'm sorry.
Buffy leaves the house, sword in hand.
Cut to:
25 INT. WILLOW'S ROOM AT BUFFY'S HOUSE - DAY
Willow goes to her desk and looks frantically through the drawers. Finally, she finds what she's looking for. An amulet.
Cut to:
26 INT. BATHROOM AT BUFFY'S HOUSE - DAY
Willow pours sand on the floor in a circle while chanting in Latin and holding the amulet.
WILLOW
Beatum sit in nomine D'Hoffrynis. Fiat hoc spatium porta ad mundum Arashmaharris.
A bright flash of light, then D'Hoffryn appears, facing away from Willow.
D'HOFFRYN
(low) Behold, D'Hoffryn. Lord of Arashmahar. He that turns the air to blood and rains— (turns to Willow, speaking normally) Miss Rosenberg. How lovely to see you again. Have you done something with your hair?
WILLOW
Hello, D'Hoffryn.
D'HOFFRYN
I figured I'd be hearing from you soon. The flaying of Warren Meers? Oh, truly inspired. That was water cooler vengeance. Lloyd has a sketch of it on his wall.
WILLOW
That's not me anymore.
D'HOFFRYN
Is that right? So, I didn't feel your presence earlier today? I didn't feel a bit of the old you?
WILLOW
We need to talk about Anya.
D'HOFFRYN
(growls) Very well. Let's talk about Anyanka.
Cut to:
27 INT. FRAT HOUSE AT U.C. SUNNYDALE - NIGHT
Anya is thoughtfully touching the wall where blood spattered it. A door opens.
XANDER
I thought I might find you here. Have you forced yourself to look at the bodies yet?
ANYA
What do you want?
XANDER
I want to help you.
ANYA
(sighs, walks away) Everyone is so considerate today. I should've slaughtered people weeks ago.
XANDER
I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything I did to you. Everything I put you through.
ANYA
Thank you. All better. Thank goodness you got here in time.
XANDER
You don't understand. This isn't an intervention. Buffy's coming to kill you.
ANYA
She's coming to try.
XANDER
Did everybody have their crazy flakes today? You guys are friends. How could you talk like this?
ANYA
I have a job to do. And so does Buffy. Xander, you've always seen what you wanted to. But you knew, sooner or later, it would come to this.
XANDER
(Buffy enters, and he turns to face her) Buffy, get out of here.
BUFFY
Get out of my way, Xander.
XANDER
No. (turns back to Anya)
ANYA
(in demon face) Get out of her way, Xander.
Anya backhands Xander and he falls down out of the way. Buffy lunges at her with the sword, but Anya pushes her off. They continue to fight during the dialogue.
ANYA
This is getting to be a pattern with you, Buffy. Are there any friends of your left you haven't tried to kill? (fighting) C'mon, Buffy. Don't you have a clever retort for me? (fighting)
The fighting is fairly even, or Anya may appear to have the slight upper hand. Buffy is thrown onto the floor. She looks up at Anya.
BUFFY
Anya, I'm sorry. (stands)
ANYA
You're apologizing to me. What fight are you watching? Or is this like one of your little pop-culture references I don't get, 'cause I'm a vengeance—
Anya lunges at Buffy who presses her against the wall and stabs her in the heart with her sword. Anya groans.
Fade to black.
ACT IV:
28 INT. XANDER'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Xander is asleep in a recliner and Anya's on the couch reading. Xander's talking in his sleep.
XANDER
(asleep) I just want... happy... ending...
ANYA
Honey? Honey?
XANDER
(asleep) What? I'm awake. I'm OK.
ANYA
Honey? Was that weird? That thing earlier with the singing... and the coconuts.
XANDER
(asleep) What? No, it's fine.
Singing can be heard through the balcony window.
NEIGHBOR MAN (O.S.)
(singing) Oh, no. Mustard on my shirt.
NEIGHBOR WOMAN (O.S.)
(singing) Mustard. I'll never get it out.
NEIGHBOR MAN (O.S.)
(singing) My favorite red shirt.
NEIGHBOR WOMAN (O.S.)
(singing) Dry clean it.
NEIGHBOR MAN (O.S.)
(singing) How could you serve—
NEIGHBORS (O.S.)
(singing) Mustard.
Anya shuts the balcony door.
ANYA
Are you still hungry? Because I'd be— (looks fondly at Xander sleeping)
(singing) Mr. Xander Harris. (walks to him)
That's what he is to the world outside.
That's the name he carries with pride. (puts away his hard hat and tool box)
I'm just lately Anya.
Not very much to the world, I know.
All these years with nothing to show. (puts away his shoes)
I've boned a troll, I've wreaked some wrath,
But on the whole, I've had no path. (twirling)
I like to bowl, I'm good with math,
But who am I? (kneeling)
Now I reply that
I'm the Missis (looks at engagement ring)
I will be his Missis.
Mrs. Anya Christina Emanuella Jenkins Harris. (twirling, dancing)
What's the point of loving...
I mean except for the sweaty part. (gathers pillows)
What's the point of losing your heart?
Maybe if you're lucky
Being a pair makes you twice as tall. (gathers a blanket)
Maybe you're not losing at all. (opens blanket)
No need to cover up my heart, (spreads blanket on Xander)
Plus see above RE: sweaty part.
So maybe love is pretty smart
And so am I
I found my guy!
And I'll be Missis (sits on his lap while the recliner spins)
I will be his Missis
Mrs. Anya Lame-Ass-Made-Up-Maiden-Name Harris.
We'll never part (walks into the kitchen)
Not if we can
And if we start
Then here's my plan
I'll show him what bliss is
Welcome him with kisses
'Cause this is a Missis who misses her man
He's my Xander
And he's awfully swell
It makes financial sense as well,
Although he can be—I'll never tell—
Just stand aside
Here comes the bride (goes through the balcony door, and is suddenly in a wedding gown)
I'll be Missis.
I will be his Missis
I will be—
Cut to:
29 INT. FRAT HOUSE AT U.C. SUNNYDALE - NIGHT
Resume. Buffy has just stabbed Anya through the heart with her sword. Anya, in human face, is slumped, but hasn't fallen. Xander regains consciousness and is still on the floor. He looks over and sees Anya's condition.
XANDER
Anya!
Anya face is tear-streaked and bloody. Suddenly, she gasps for air and opens her eyes. She looks down at the sword in her chest.
ANYA
Forgotten how much swords through the chest hurt. (pulls it out) Aaahh! (breathes heavily) You know better than that, Buffy. It takes a lot more to kill a vengeance demon.
BUFFY
Oh, I'm just getting started.
Anya comes at Buffy with the sword. Buffy pushes a stool at her, knocking her off balance. She falls to the floor, dropping the sword. Anya's lying with her back on the floor. Buffy takes the sword, straddles Anya, and prepares for another thorough double-fisted stabbing of Anya. Xander pushes Buffy out of the way. They all stand up.
ANYA
Stop trying to save me, Xander!
Lightening bolts flash in the room knocking everyone down, then D'Hoffryn appears.
D'HOFFRYN
Oh, please, don't mind me. Continue with whatever it was you were doing. (walks to look in an adjacent room) Oh, breathtaking. It's like somebody slaughtered an Abercrombie and Fitch catalog. (Buffy stands and grabs her sword) Easy now. I'd be gone before you could swing. (sighs, offers a hand to Anya to help her stand) Isn't that just like a slayer. Solving all her problems by sticking things with sharp objects. I talked to your friend, Miss Rosenberg. She's a firebrand. I have high hopes for her.
XANDER
Stay away from Willow.
D'HOFFRYN
(to Anya) Oh, he's gallant, isn't he. I understand what you saw in him. (to all) Look, Miss Rosenberg seems to think Anyanka would be better suited outside the vengeance fold. I think we already know what Lady HacksAway wants. And the young man, he sees with the eyeballs of love. But I'm not sure if anyone's bothered to find out what Anyanka herself really wants.
XANDER
Her name is Anya.
D'HOFFRYN
Actually, funny historical side-bar, her original name was—
ANYA
(crying) I wanna take it back.
D'HOFFRYN
I'm sorry. What was that?
ANYA
I wanna take it back. I wanna undo what I did.
D'HOFFRYN
Hmm. You want to take it back. Must be twelve bodies in there. Such a thing—not easily done. But not impossible. You're a big girl, Anyanka. You understand how this works. The proverbial scales must balance. In order to restore the lives of the victims, the fates require a sacrifice. The life and soul of a vengeance demon.
ANYA
Do it.
XANDER
Wait!
ANYA
Stay out of this Xander.
XANDER
OK, all right. That seems smart. He just said you have to die! Perhaps there's some sort of alternate price.
ANYA
Xander, you can't help me. I'm not even sure there's a me to help. (to D'Hoffryn) I understand the price. Do it.
D'HOFFRYN
You're sure? This is your wish?
ANYA
This is my wish. Undo what I did.
D'HOFFRYN
Very well.
D'Hoffryn gestures with his hands, and a flash of light appears.
XANDER
No!
Where the flash was, Halfrek shows up, smiling sweetly.
HALFREK
Anya!
Anya looks at D'Hoffryn, realizing what's going to happen.
ANYA
Hallie!
Halfrek bursts into flames and light shoots out of her eyes. She shrieks and disappears. Anya starts to cry as D'Hoffryn berates her.
D'HOFFRYN
Who did you think you were dealing with? Did you think it would be that easy to get away?
ANYA
Why?
D'HOFFRYN
Why? Because you wished it!
ANYA
But she was yours.
D'HOFFRYN
Like you were mine? Haven't I taught you anything, Anya? Never go for the kill when you can go for the pain. (Xander starts for D'Hoffryn, but Buffy stops him) Hold him back, Slayer. Wouldn't want anyone to get hurt. I've got plenty of girls. There will always be vengeance demons. But now you, Anya, you're out. Congratulations. You're wish is granted.
ANYA
You should've killed me.
D'HOFFRYN
Oh, I wouldn't worry about that. From beneath you, it devours. Be patient. All good things in time.
In a flash, D'Hoffryn disappears. Anya looks at Xander and Buffy and walks out.
BUFFY
(to Xander) Go. I'll check on the boys.
Cut to:
30 EXT. FRAT HOUSE AT U.C. SUNNYDALE - NIGHT
Xander follows Anya outside the fraternity house.
XANDER
Anya, wait.
ANYA
Xander, please. Just go away.
XANDER
Whatever's between us—it doesn't matter. You shouldn't be alone in this.
ANYA
Yes, I should. My whole life, I've just clung to whatever came along.
XANDER
Well, speaking as a cling-ee— I kinda didn't mind.
ANYA
Thanks. For everything.
Xander nods, realizing that this is her rejecting his offer to help.
ANYA
Xander— what if I'm really nobody?
XANDER
Don't be a dope.
ANYA
I'm a dope?
XANDER
Sometimes.
ANYA
That's a start.
Xander walks away, leaving a teary-eyed Anya to deal alone.
Cut to:
Closing credits.